I did not choose to have schizophrenia. It instead has been thrust upon me. This illness has taken years from my life. All from my early twenties until recently I've been in recovery. Whether I was in a hospital, jail, group home or at my parents I was living a "partial life." As opposed to a full and happy life mine was mired by adversity by illness.
The difficult part of having an illness like schizophrenia is that no one can give you the answers to your questions. They can nudge you to go out and find the answers yourself; it is still you who must come to terms with who you are and the circumstances that you have encountered.
The answers I've found include the realization and acceptance of my symptoms. It is however, the case that many answers I have come to find came through growth and personal fulfillment. The type of growth that can only come from facing adversity holds many answers. Schizophrenia mostly has taught me to never give up.
There was one question answered that made me know I could never give up. That was that my life was worth the effort needed to recover from my illness. Learning this lesson has given me new life. I now see the challenges in my life at face value. I know my life is well worth the effort of overcoming any obstacle.
Monday, December 31, 2012
The Ego and The Critic
Yesterday I was unhappy with 2 pieces of writing I tried to put together. One was a poem. It was the first of the 2. I intended to write the poem about a couple of boys; one who hated the rain and the other who didn't mind. The rain was meant to be symbolic of typical trials and tribulations of life. I stopped to re-read the poem shortly after I began and didn't like it. I decided to give up on it and return later.
The other of the 2 pieces I worked on yesterday was on not judging ourselves unfairly. It was to be an article for this blog. I intended to point out that I would not judge another person by their appearance or social standing. As in my experience I have met many people of whom I was taken back when I got to know them. They seemingly did not fit the perception I would have thought they would.
The lesson of not judging a book by its cover is one I believe we are all familiar with. However, many of us, myself included, judge ourselves by this unfair standard. I attach much of my self worth to what I am doing. I can sometimes see myself as lazy even though I would not make this asessment of another person.
This second piece of writing did not seem to meet my standards either. It was getting to be a little later in the morning by this time. I had taken time to do some reading in addition to the writing I had done. I had also poked around town more than once. I had plans for the afternoon to go on a hike and do some laundry. I thought to wait until after the community meal to spread out my activities throughout the day.
I unfortunately and somewhat ironically fell into a late morning slump. I say ironically because just as I was attempting to get across in the article of not judging yourself unfairly, I was down on myself. The feelings I was experiencing peaked at the noon hour. I chose to just lay down and pull my wool hat over my eyes.
I actually fell asleep which I often will not do when I lay down. I woke up at about 2:00 p.m. and felt great. I immediately wrote not caring how my work came out. I just kept my pen moving and was relieved to get my feelings down on paper. What I wrote became a rough draft for this article. After I wrote I did my laundry and carried on throughout the rest of the day.
This morning I looked back on what I wrote yesterday and can see it is not so bad. I even like the opening to the poem I started. There are parts of my article on self-criticism in this piece you are reading. What seemed to be insufficient at the time now appears much differently. I had to take time away from tasks I put in front of me to change my frame of mind. When I did it felt good to write. And I liked what I had written too. I just had to let go.
The other of the 2 pieces I worked on yesterday was on not judging ourselves unfairly. It was to be an article for this blog. I intended to point out that I would not judge another person by their appearance or social standing. As in my experience I have met many people of whom I was taken back when I got to know them. They seemingly did not fit the perception I would have thought they would.
The lesson of not judging a book by its cover is one I believe we are all familiar with. However, many of us, myself included, judge ourselves by this unfair standard. I attach much of my self worth to what I am doing. I can sometimes see myself as lazy even though I would not make this asessment of another person.
This second piece of writing did not seem to meet my standards either. It was getting to be a little later in the morning by this time. I had taken time to do some reading in addition to the writing I had done. I had also poked around town more than once. I had plans for the afternoon to go on a hike and do some laundry. I thought to wait until after the community meal to spread out my activities throughout the day.
I unfortunately and somewhat ironically fell into a late morning slump. I say ironically because just as I was attempting to get across in the article of not judging yourself unfairly, I was down on myself. The feelings I was experiencing peaked at the noon hour. I chose to just lay down and pull my wool hat over my eyes.
I actually fell asleep which I often will not do when I lay down. I woke up at about 2:00 p.m. and felt great. I immediately wrote not caring how my work came out. I just kept my pen moving and was relieved to get my feelings down on paper. What I wrote became a rough draft for this article. After I wrote I did my laundry and carried on throughout the rest of the day.
This morning I looked back on what I wrote yesterday and can see it is not so bad. I even like the opening to the poem I started. There are parts of my article on self-criticism in this piece you are reading. What seemed to be insufficient at the time now appears much differently. I had to take time away from tasks I put in front of me to change my frame of mind. When I did it felt good to write. And I liked what I had written too. I just had to let go.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Balance and Individuality
I am a task oriented person. It pleases me very much to complete something. In fact I believe that I could stand a little better by being more comfortable with myself. I mean that in times that I do not necessarily need to get anything done I could enjoy just relaxing. If I were to listen to music or read any non-fiction it would be great. It is just a matter of finding a good healthy balance that makes each of us happy.
We need at times to really drag ourselves out of bed to take on the days responsibilities. Life isn't all work however. It is important to be kind to ourselves. While we feel good about ourselves to be independent and responsible we also need to take each day at face value. As opposed to being caught up in the past or the future.
I say to know yourself well. It is important that we not try to fit ourselves into another person's mold. I know myself that I am most happy to be active and productive. And so I make an effort to be these things. I will sometimes force myself to do things that I don't necessarily feel like doing. I always feel great when it is done. There are many who fit a different mold than I. This does not make them any better or worse. We are all called upon differently and our lives should be lived accordingly.
We need at times to really drag ourselves out of bed to take on the days responsibilities. Life isn't all work however. It is important to be kind to ourselves. While we feel good about ourselves to be independent and responsible we also need to take each day at face value. As opposed to being caught up in the past or the future.
I say to know yourself well. It is important that we not try to fit ourselves into another person's mold. I know myself that I am most happy to be active and productive. And so I make an effort to be these things. I will sometimes force myself to do things that I don't necessarily feel like doing. I always feel great when it is done. There are many who fit a different mold than I. This does not make them any better or worse. We are all called upon differently and our lives should be lived accordingly.
Friday, December 28, 2012
2013
Now that Christmas is behind us we can look towards the new year. I believe that for me this new year will mark a new beginning. It will be my first year as a fully recovered schizophrenic. I have done a lot of work on my recovery and as a result can focus my efforts in this new year on being happy and fulfilled.
I have a new lot on life. I think there are going to be many positive experiences in 2013. And although 2012 has definitely been a banner year there is still room for improvement. In my attempt at making 2013 maybe my best year yet I will seek to continue doing what has worked for me in 2012. I will first and foremost continue writing.
I will in 2013 be able to shift my attention away from coping with schizophrenia to flourishing as a writer, peer, advocate and citizen. In 2013 I will begin speaking publicly which has always been a dream of mine. My first speaking event is already scheduled for January 16th. I am also going to take time to be with friends and family in 2013.
I have learned a lot in my journey to recovery. The most important lesson I've learned is to not take things for granted. This means to me to live each moment as with reverence. It is when we learn to see what we have as a gift and privilege that we will not allow all that life presents its self to be to pass us by.
I have a new lot on life. I think there are going to be many positive experiences in 2013. And although 2012 has definitely been a banner year there is still room for improvement. In my attempt at making 2013 maybe my best year yet I will seek to continue doing what has worked for me in 2012. I will first and foremost continue writing.
I will in 2013 be able to shift my attention away from coping with schizophrenia to flourishing as a writer, peer, advocate and citizen. In 2013 I will begin speaking publicly which has always been a dream of mine. My first speaking event is already scheduled for January 16th. I am also going to take time to be with friends and family in 2013.
I have learned a lot in my journey to recovery. The most important lesson I've learned is to not take things for granted. This means to me to live each moment as with reverence. It is when we learn to see what we have as a gift and privilege that we will not allow all that life presents its self to be to pass us by.
Live And Be Happy
I have had many experiences in my life. I have traveled to numerous places and had all kinds of work. In all my adventures I have continued to forge a deeper awareness of self. I have come to understand how I work, what motivates me and what gives me pleasure or enjoyment. Whether it be from mistakes or triumphs I have come to know myself.
I believe we must do many wrong things to see the opportunity presented when the right thing comes our way. Whether it be the existence of a guiding force that permeates all humanity or something more intrinsic. When we deviate from our purpose we are pulled even harder towards personal fulfillment. It is as if there were a rubber band tied to both our souls and to our destiny. When we neglect our soul when we deviate from our path this rubber band becomes taught.
It is this way that we are guided towards personal fulfillment. We do not necessarily live to attain personal fulfillment. We can tug to hard at the rubber band if we do not nourish our souls. If we choose to ignore the voice inside us that tells us what we are doing is right or wrong the rubber band can even snap.
If we are both patient and hopeful we can live with purpose. We need to grow and learn through life experience first. This way we will know and understand what draws us in allowing us to flourish and be happy. We can know how far to stretch the rubber band as well. As we likely will not live in a linear fashion we may need to temporarily stray from our intended purpose. If we know ourselves well enough and we nourish our souls we will return to what we are compelled to do. We will live and be happy.
I believe we must do many wrong things to see the opportunity presented when the right thing comes our way. Whether it be the existence of a guiding force that permeates all humanity or something more intrinsic. When we deviate from our purpose we are pulled even harder towards personal fulfillment. It is as if there were a rubber band tied to both our souls and to our destiny. When we neglect our soul when we deviate from our path this rubber band becomes taught.
It is this way that we are guided towards personal fulfillment. We do not necessarily live to attain personal fulfillment. We can tug to hard at the rubber band if we do not nourish our souls. If we choose to ignore the voice inside us that tells us what we are doing is right or wrong the rubber band can even snap.
If we are both patient and hopeful we can live with purpose. We need to grow and learn through life experience first. This way we will know and understand what draws us in allowing us to flourish and be happy. We can know how far to stretch the rubber band as well. As we likely will not live in a linear fashion we may need to temporarily stray from our intended purpose. If we know ourselves well enough and we nourish our souls we will return to what we are compelled to do. We will live and be happy.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Great Escape
I went snow shoeing this afternoon. I enjoyed taking in the wintery mountain landscape very much. The storm that has past through (Euclid) has dropped nearly 10 inches of snow. Trees bowed under the weight of the heavy snow. I even had to duck the branches that hung over the trail I was hiking.
Out on the mountainside I enjoyed the peacefulness of the wilderness. I was by myself so I had nothing to distract me from the surroundings. I was totally immersed. I had thoughts of times past spent on mountainsides in the winter. And I thought of all that has transpired since the days when I was a skier. The time I took for the hike provided a great escape.
I realize that in the years since I left skiing much has not changed. There is still nothing more peaceful than being in the woods during winter. I have myself not changed in many ways. I am at my root still the same person I have ever been. It seems to me that as we grow we whittle away at our negative characteristics and yet never get rid of them all together. We do in the process allow for our better attributes to flourish. We can not change who we are we can only change how enact ourselves in our lives, communities and relationships.
Out on the mountainside I enjoyed the peacefulness of the wilderness. I was by myself so I had nothing to distract me from the surroundings. I was totally immersed. I had thoughts of times past spent on mountainsides in the winter. And I thought of all that has transpired since the days when I was a skier. The time I took for the hike provided a great escape.
I realize that in the years since I left skiing much has not changed. There is still nothing more peaceful than being in the woods during winter. I have myself not changed in many ways. I am at my root still the same person I have ever been. It seems to me that as we grow we whittle away at our negative characteristics and yet never get rid of them all together. We do in the process allow for our better attributes to flourish. We can not change who we are we can only change how enact ourselves in our lives, communities and relationships.
Honesty and Assertiveness
We have to practice honesty and assertiveness. When someone asks something of us we feel we shouldn't do we can say no. We can also express frustrations we have with others. An important lesson I have learned is to not bottle everything up. In the past I have been very passive in regards to sharing my feelings or expressing anger.
We are often reprimanded or punished for expressing anger when we are children. And many of us learn as we grow up to hide our emotions. It can be difficult to comfortably express to others how we truly feel. However, the benefits of openness, assertiveness and honesty are plenty.
In practicing honesty and assertiveness we learn to accept much of what we may otherwise push down deep inside. When we feel like we are free to express ourselves to others we will see that most often we will not be judged for doing so. In fact we may often even receive positive reinforcement for our honesty. In turn we will learn to be honest with ourselves.
In a person's journey to recovery they should learn to be assertive. A person already burdened with a mental illness really should not bear the weight of emotional exile. We don't always need to please everybody. And if we can take time to consider our own best interests and wishes we can be happier with ourselves. We may even become more confident.
We are often reprimanded or punished for expressing anger when we are children. And many of us learn as we grow up to hide our emotions. It can be difficult to comfortably express to others how we truly feel. However, the benefits of openness, assertiveness and honesty are plenty.
In practicing honesty and assertiveness we learn to accept much of what we may otherwise push down deep inside. When we feel like we are free to express ourselves to others we will see that most often we will not be judged for doing so. In fact we may often even receive positive reinforcement for our honesty. In turn we will learn to be honest with ourselves.
In a person's journey to recovery they should learn to be assertive. A person already burdened with a mental illness really should not bear the weight of emotional exile. We don't always need to please everybody. And if we can take time to consider our own best interests and wishes we can be happier with ourselves. We may even become more confident.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Glad To Be Home
Its good to be home. I now call Brattleboro my home. When I strolled in on the downtown area today I felt really good. It was nice to visit my folks in the town where I grew up. I am however very happy to be back.
Brattleboro offers more social engagement for me than the town I grew up in. It is still small enough to have an intimate and familiar community. In town I have chess friends and writer friends. I have some friends that are just friends. I have lived here in Brattleboro for over a year now.
Staying here in this community is a priority for me. It ranks above getting work as a peer specialist. Working as a peer is my ideal occupation. And even still I feel I must stay in Brattleboro at least for now. I'm doing really well dealing with my illness right now. Living in a community that fits me well is definitely an attributing factor.
Brattleboro offers more social engagement for me than the town I grew up in. It is still small enough to have an intimate and familiar community. In town I have chess friends and writer friends. I have some friends that are just friends. I have lived here in Brattleboro for over a year now.
Staying here in this community is a priority for me. It ranks above getting work as a peer specialist. Working as a peer is my ideal occupation. And even still I feel I must stay in Brattleboro at least for now. I'm doing really well dealing with my illness right now. Living in a community that fits me well is definitely an attributing factor.
Holding My Head High
I'm getting to be more and more open with people in my community about my experiences with schizophrenia. On occasion someone will ask me what I do for work or what brought me to Brattleboro. Each of these questions can easily lead into my disclosing that I have schizophrenia.
In times past when I was asked what brought me to Brattleboro, I would say I had friends in town. If someone asked me what type of work I was looking for I would say whatever I can get. I am really working on developing a career as a peer specialist. I wouldn't say that because I was unsure of what people would think of me given my circumstances.
Stigma by definition is a mark of disgrace a stain or defect, degeneration or disease. Having a disability is no mark of disgrace of defect. We do not need to see our illness as something to hide. It is often much easier to see good character in another person than it is in ourselves. Those whom you interact with will more often than not see the good character in you as you share your story. They will know that you are courageous to carry on despite your circumstances.
As I said earlier I'm getting to be more open about my experiences with schizophrenia. I have come to a place of inner knowing. I am able to see now that I'm not responsible for my circumstances. I understand my illness and know that I'm not lazy. I finally know that I can hold my head up high. I have come a long way down a rocky and narrow path.
In times past when I was asked what brought me to Brattleboro, I would say I had friends in town. If someone asked me what type of work I was looking for I would say whatever I can get. I am really working on developing a career as a peer specialist. I wouldn't say that because I was unsure of what people would think of me given my circumstances.
Stigma by definition is a mark of disgrace a stain or defect, degeneration or disease. Having a disability is no mark of disgrace of defect. We do not need to see our illness as something to hide. It is often much easier to see good character in another person than it is in ourselves. Those whom you interact with will more often than not see the good character in you as you share your story. They will know that you are courageous to carry on despite your circumstances.
As I said earlier I'm getting to be more open about my experiences with schizophrenia. I have come to a place of inner knowing. I am able to see now that I'm not responsible for my circumstances. I understand my illness and know that I'm not lazy. I finally know that I can hold my head up high. I have come a long way down a rocky and narrow path.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Beautiful Perspective
It is my hope that my writing offer a positive perspective on mental illness. I want all my readers to know that I am happy. My life isn't perfect. I'm impoverished and without a significant other. Nobody's life is perfect. I feel blessed to be living just as I am.
I have friends and family with whom I share my struggles and triumphs. I love the work I am doing as a writer. My life isn't necessarily easy. I have times that I'm down. I want to get across that I don't believe a good life and an easy life are necessarily the same. It is sometimes those who were most challenged by life that have the most beautiful perspective.
I have friends and family with whom I share my struggles and triumphs. I love the work I am doing as a writer. My life isn't necessarily easy. I have times that I'm down. I want to get across that I don't believe a good life and an easy life are necessarily the same. It is sometimes those who were most challenged by life that have the most beautiful perspective.
Merry Christmas
I have many fond memories of Christmas' gone by. I can remember the times we traveled off to my grandparent's in Long Island. I even remember some Christmas' spent at my great grandmother's. There are a few gifts I've received that stick out in my mind. My mom's dad bought me a tool box when I was very young. I remember that well. I remember my family's tradition of having a designated Santa to distribute gifts every year.
It seems with every passing year I come to view this season a little differently. As a kid I always eagerly awaited receiving presents Christmas morning. As I grew into being an adult the idea of gift giving was foremost in my perception of this holiday. It's not the gifts we remember best from this time of year. And I now see that Christmas is about forging stronger relationships with those who love you most. Merry Christmas everyone.
It seems with every passing year I come to view this season a little differently. As a kid I always eagerly awaited receiving presents Christmas morning. As I grew into being an adult the idea of gift giving was foremost in my perception of this holiday. It's not the gifts we remember best from this time of year. And I now see that Christmas is about forging stronger relationships with those who love you most. Merry Christmas everyone.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Whisper Wind
here I sit, whisper wind
tell me your story
beginning to end
how far you've come
and all the places you've been
here I'll stay, I'll sit, I'll listen
as the day will pass
and nightfall settle in
I will not move or make noise
I will just sit
maintaining patience, maintaining poise
little by little
your wise words sneak in
I unconsciously know the message you teach
before you even begin
but I want to hear your voice
be present and hear your speech
from the dawn of day
to fading evening light
you can speak to me softly
or with all of your might
your message may be clear
believe that I am sincere
when I say
you are the reason I sit here
all day and all night
tell me your story
beginning to end
how far you've come
and all the places you've been
here I'll stay, I'll sit, I'll listen
as the day will pass
and nightfall settle in
I will not move or make noise
I will just sit
maintaining patience, maintaining poise
little by little
your wise words sneak in
I unconsciously know the message you teach
before you even begin
but I want to hear your voice
be present and hear your speech
from the dawn of day
to fading evening light
you can speak to me softly
or with all of your might
your message may be clear
believe that I am sincere
when I say
you are the reason I sit here
all day and all night
Sunday, December 23, 2012
WOW 200!
I have now published 200 articles. I had no idea I had all that inside me when I began. In the process of writing all that I have in the last 6 months I have learned quite a bit. I learned about all the matters and subjects I have researched. I've also learned quite a bit on how to write. However, most importantly I've learned that I have something to say.
This something I have inside me brings some people to this blog on a daily basis. It is something that people have told me makes a difference in their lives. I am happy to have discovered my voice; it pleases me very much to share with all of you my story of recovery.
This something I have inside me brings some people to this blog on a daily basis. It is something that people have told me makes a difference in their lives. I am happy to have discovered my voice; it pleases me very much to share with all of you my story of recovery.
Answers Within
In my younger years I set out to be a ski instructor. There are positions within the ski industry that ski instructors fill that are quite profitable. If you are dedicated you could make a good life for yourself teaching skiing. I eventually walked away from skiing. I didn't leave teaching skiing because I was switching careers. I left due to my bout with schizophrenia.
It has now been 10 years since I left teaching. I have traveled far and wide to put all the challenges of dealing with schizophrenia behind me. I've been to Castleton, VT. I lived in a group home there for over 2 years. Just prior to leaving Castleton I went all the way out to Colorado. In Colorado I learned a new trade. Having this under my belt I was able to get a job in Miami, Fl.
In going to these places and doing all that I have I have learned something. I've learned that I am unique. As I am unique I will never find what I need to recover from schizophrenia from going to far off places. However, in all these travels I discovered little by little what I have to offer the world. I know what I need to be happy and I understand my own needs in general much better than if I hadn't ventured out on this journey.
In the end the big questions we all have have answers that can only come from within. We need to open our eyes to see how we can take part in our lives so that we can be happy. We need to see what is rewarding to us and also know what is harmful. If we overlook what is available to us from within we will not be able to nourish our souls. And without nourishment much of what can bring us joy in life will slip away. The battle of the good and bad within us can be won if we know ourselves and recognize our unique and wonderful gifts.
It has now been 10 years since I left teaching. I have traveled far and wide to put all the challenges of dealing with schizophrenia behind me. I've been to Castleton, VT. I lived in a group home there for over 2 years. Just prior to leaving Castleton I went all the way out to Colorado. In Colorado I learned a new trade. Having this under my belt I was able to get a job in Miami, Fl.
In going to these places and doing all that I have I have learned something. I've learned that I am unique. As I am unique I will never find what I need to recover from schizophrenia from going to far off places. However, in all these travels I discovered little by little what I have to offer the world. I know what I need to be happy and I understand my own needs in general much better than if I hadn't ventured out on this journey.
In the end the big questions we all have have answers that can only come from within. We need to open our eyes to see how we can take part in our lives so that we can be happy. We need to see what is rewarding to us and also know what is harmful. If we overlook what is available to us from within we will not be able to nourish our souls. And without nourishment much of what can bring us joy in life will slip away. The battle of the good and bad within us can be won if we know ourselves and recognize our unique and wonderful gifts.
Breaking The Mold
I can remember a time when I lived each day begrudgingly dealing with schizophrenia. I would wait in anticipation of when I could go to sleep. Each night my life would disappear. I had little else that I looked forward to. I could not have conceived living a more inspired and purposeful life from having experiences with schizophrenia. This is now my reality.
I am living each day like it is a new day. I'm looking forward to getting up each morning instead of going to bed each night. I love what I do. It was a long road to get here but it was worth while. I am happy that I not only have made a recovery but am making a new life for myself.
I have had help getting to this place in my life. I believe a turning point for me was when Liz told me she thought I would make a good peer specialist. Liz is the peer coordinator at my former group home (Meadowview.) She said it once and I thought little of it. She said it again and I stopped and thought about it. She encouraged me to pursue this type of career.
I am now trying to develop a career as a peer specialist. I am currently writing as my primary peer mentoring work. I am also a speaker. This is not exactly what I believe Liz envisioned when she told me to pursue this career. Its great work that I think is important. I like writing and have always dreamed of speaking publicly. I am doing something that is meaningful and rewarding to me instead of living as I perceive I ought to. I am breaking the mold.
I am living each day like it is a new day. I'm looking forward to getting up each morning instead of going to bed each night. I love what I do. It was a long road to get here but it was worth while. I am happy that I not only have made a recovery but am making a new life for myself.
I have had help getting to this place in my life. I believe a turning point for me was when Liz told me she thought I would make a good peer specialist. Liz is the peer coordinator at my former group home (Meadowview.) She said it once and I thought little of it. She said it again and I stopped and thought about it. She encouraged me to pursue this type of career.
I am now trying to develop a career as a peer specialist. I am currently writing as my primary peer mentoring work. I am also a speaker. This is not exactly what I believe Liz envisioned when she told me to pursue this career. Its great work that I think is important. I like writing and have always dreamed of speaking publicly. I am doing something that is meaningful and rewarding to me instead of living as I perceive I ought to. I am breaking the mold.
Tweet
I've begun tweeting to improve the experience I provide to all of you, my readers. You will now be able to comment on anything from my blog on my twitter page. I am hoping that there will be discussions and that Breathe will be interactive. I will be tweeting mostly things that are relevant to articles. I look forward to seeing what all of you have to say about my posts. And will share with you my thoughts on any conversation that may come up. You may find my twitter page by searching matti_salminen, note the underline in between my first and last name. Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Good In My Life
I was feeling very good about life in general today. I have realized recently that I'm doing exactly what I would like to be doing in writing. I know that for this I am very fortunate. I was also happy today to see someone I know send me a friend request on facebook. I know this is a small thing but it brought me happiness. Possibly because of my already especially good mood.
Its not everyday I feel this good about things. On certain days I can feel down right awful. In fact just last weekend I was pretty miserable. Not really much has changed in that time, except my perspective. I was reminded by a friend a few days ago of how much I like writing.
Today I am so happy that I will make a point to remind myself of this tomorrow and the next day. I just might start a new trend in my life. I am going to take to heart that if not everyday some days will be good, just like this one. I will know just a little better the next time I'm down that there are good things in my life. And that there is more good is in store for me.
Its not everyday I feel this good about things. On certain days I can feel down right awful. In fact just last weekend I was pretty miserable. Not really much has changed in that time, except my perspective. I was reminded by a friend a few days ago of how much I like writing.
Today I am so happy that I will make a point to remind myself of this tomorrow and the next day. I just might start a new trend in my life. I am going to take to heart that if not everyday some days will be good, just like this one. I will know just a little better the next time I'm down that there are good things in my life. And that there is more good is in store for me.
Resolve Our Pain
A mental illness will harm you on an emotional level. It is not just by virtue that I have a disability that my life is affected by schizophrenia. Recovery is the act of saying to yourself "I will no longer allow my illness to dictate my life, I will move on." It may take years of saying this to ourselves before it becomes reality. We must heal to resume a normal and productive life.
The time we spent in recovery is not wasted. Our recovery can serve us to see the world in a new light. It can be empowering. The trying experience of having a mental illness can teach us many valuable lessons. Although we might not wish a thing like a mental illness on anyone else. It is part of our experience and is thus worthwhile.
All the individual pieces of a person's experience are necessary. We are all unique and wonderful in our own way. All of what we have done, seen and experienced is part of us. Those of us whose lives have been affected by mental illness needed this experience to be whole. We need to see ourselves in a new light that has emerged from tragedy to fully heal the wounds or our illnesses. It is this way that we can resolve the matters that have affected our lives and move on.
The time we spent in recovery is not wasted. Our recovery can serve us to see the world in a new light. It can be empowering. The trying experience of having a mental illness can teach us many valuable lessons. Although we might not wish a thing like a mental illness on anyone else. It is part of our experience and is thus worthwhile.
All the individual pieces of a person's experience are necessary. We are all unique and wonderful in our own way. All of what we have done, seen and experienced is part of us. Those of us whose lives have been affected by mental illness needed this experience to be whole. We need to see ourselves in a new light that has emerged from tragedy to fully heal the wounds or our illnesses. It is this way that we can resolve the matters that have affected our lives and move on.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Whole-Self Acceptance
We have to be able to accept our circumstances and shortcomings to see exactly what we have to offer the world. The type of serenity that comes from accepting what is and what has been is quite liberating. It frees us to see what is possible. As opposed to holding on to regret which spawns negativity and a general lack of ambition.
We can only experience wholeness with acceptance. We are without acceptance a work in progress. I can say that in my recovery that I have to realize that I am beautiful just the way I am. We are all unique and deserve our own acceptance of our entire being. We must have love for ourselves.
Once we are able to have love for ourselves we can much better enact our hearts in the world. We no longer hide behind a veil of ambiguity. The ambiguity I speak of is one in which we seek superficiality instead of openness and giving. We must lay down a foundation before we can construct a beautiful home for all to see.
We can only experience wholeness with acceptance. We are without acceptance a work in progress. I can say that in my recovery that I have to realize that I am beautiful just the way I am. We are all unique and deserve our own acceptance of our entire being. We must have love for ourselves.
Once we are able to have love for ourselves we can much better enact our hearts in the world. We no longer hide behind a veil of ambiguity. The ambiguity I speak of is one in which we seek superficiality instead of openness and giving. We must lay down a foundation before we can construct a beautiful home for all to see.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Seed of Recovery
As a young adult I tried very hard at being a good worker. I took pride in putting effort into any task an employer might have asked of me. And I enjoyed the challenge of maintaining a fast pace doing physical labor. I was happy in this time to be working and was respected by my peers.
I can remember specifically being a mover. I was roughly 19 when I had this job. I moved office furniture and much of it was quite heavy. I was scrawny but I put all the effort I had into my work. It was a good job all in all. I liked my co-workers and it paid pretty well. We even got paid for drive time. Having this job taught me what hard work was. I feel like it still benefits me today.
The work I have had to put into my recovery has been tremendous. It is however much different than the physical labor I did in my adolescence. It is not really demanding of your muscles like moving office furniture. It instead is emotionally demanding. The effort I've put into my recovery has spanned years. I have had to endure many setbacks.
I have had times in my recovery that I have appeared to be unmotivated. I can remember when my parents garage was being torn down. Friends and neighbors came out to tackle this project but I needed prompting to get out there and help. I can also remember a time in which my dad asked me to help him paint a spot on the house. I took frequent cigarette breaks and he was visibly frustrated.
I still know that what I was doing in that stage of my recovery was important. I was mending emotional scars. These scars are just like any injury or wound suffered by our bodies. We need to slowly rehabilitate to function at a normal level. The emotional scars left by schizophrenia on my person have taken years to mend. I now can see that I wasn't lazy in those times that I appeared unmotivated, I was just hurt.
I am proud of the effort I have put into my recovery. I know I have done my very best that I could, just like I did moving office furniture. The challenges of life still lay ahead of me. I have planted the seed I need to have a beautiful and flourishing "plant" sprout up out of the the earth. This seed of recovery will lead me to making an effort towards a life filled with happiness and health.
I can remember specifically being a mover. I was roughly 19 when I had this job. I moved office furniture and much of it was quite heavy. I was scrawny but I put all the effort I had into my work. It was a good job all in all. I liked my co-workers and it paid pretty well. We even got paid for drive time. Having this job taught me what hard work was. I feel like it still benefits me today.
The work I have had to put into my recovery has been tremendous. It is however much different than the physical labor I did in my adolescence. It is not really demanding of your muscles like moving office furniture. It instead is emotionally demanding. The effort I've put into my recovery has spanned years. I have had to endure many setbacks.
I have had times in my recovery that I have appeared to be unmotivated. I can remember when my parents garage was being torn down. Friends and neighbors came out to tackle this project but I needed prompting to get out there and help. I can also remember a time in which my dad asked me to help him paint a spot on the house. I took frequent cigarette breaks and he was visibly frustrated.
I still know that what I was doing in that stage of my recovery was important. I was mending emotional scars. These scars are just like any injury or wound suffered by our bodies. We need to slowly rehabilitate to function at a normal level. The emotional scars left by schizophrenia on my person have taken years to mend. I now can see that I wasn't lazy in those times that I appeared unmotivated, I was just hurt.
I am proud of the effort I have put into my recovery. I know I have done my very best that I could, just like I did moving office furniture. The challenges of life still lay ahead of me. I have planted the seed I need to have a beautiful and flourishing "plant" sprout up out of the the earth. This seed of recovery will lead me to making an effort towards a life filled with happiness and health.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Small Chunks
I'm a very strong willed person, maybe to a fault. I have at times in my life failed to see that I was in need. I can remember a time that I was living in California. My lease on an apartment ran up before I could find another place. The town I was in was a resort town. And so much of what was available was too expensive. This was despite that I was working two jobs.
So after I left my apartment I lived in a storage unit. This was during the winter and it was quite cold at night. I never even considered cutting my losses and heading home. I let my basic needs fall to the wayside not out of pride but short sightedness. I didn't see this as a hardship at the time. I only thought I would soon have another place and all would be well.
I am a different persona now. I have learned to express myself and to recognize when things are difficult for me. I now actively seek support from friends, family and mental health professionals on a daily basis. The difficulty that life presents its self to be is most manageable in small chunks. It took me a long time to learn that and was a hard lesson indeed.
So after I left my apartment I lived in a storage unit. This was during the winter and it was quite cold at night. I never even considered cutting my losses and heading home. I let my basic needs fall to the wayside not out of pride but short sightedness. I didn't see this as a hardship at the time. I only thought I would soon have another place and all would be well.
I am a different persona now. I have learned to express myself and to recognize when things are difficult for me. I now actively seek support from friends, family and mental health professionals on a daily basis. The difficulty that life presents its self to be is most manageable in small chunks. It took me a long time to learn that and was a hard lesson indeed.
Happy On My Bike
Over the years since I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia my view of recovery has changed. This is in part due to being more educated on what recovery is. It is also from growing older and having more experience to draw from. I am now in my early 30's. And I was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 27.
In the early years after my diagnosis I knew very little more about dealing with my illness other than to exercise. I envisioned recovery as resuming a normal life. This normal life in my eyes was to have a 9 to 5 and a more or less fruitful and productive life.
As I thought of exercise as being so crucial to recovery I began doing 100 mile bike rides. It took 3 months to get in shape to ride 100 miles in a day. I began riding 100 miles once a month as was recommended on the internet. I loved riding in that time in my life.
I look back on my recovery process now and see that enjoying biking was just as important as the exercise I got. Its good to exercise and have physical health. All the experts will tell you of the mind body connection. However, recovery is about piecing together a broken life. We need to have happiness. And I found a source of happiness in biking. It helped me through a hard time in my life.
In the early years after my diagnosis I knew very little more about dealing with my illness other than to exercise. I envisioned recovery as resuming a normal life. This normal life in my eyes was to have a 9 to 5 and a more or less fruitful and productive life.
As I thought of exercise as being so crucial to recovery I began doing 100 mile bike rides. It took 3 months to get in shape to ride 100 miles in a day. I began riding 100 miles once a month as was recommended on the internet. I loved riding in that time in my life.
I look back on my recovery process now and see that enjoying biking was just as important as the exercise I got. Its good to exercise and have physical health. All the experts will tell you of the mind body connection. However, recovery is about piecing together a broken life. We need to have happiness. And I found a source of happiness in biking. It helped me through a hard time in my life.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
To Accept and Adapt
There are certain things in our lives that we can not change. We can however, learn to live with these things. Whether it be a mental illness or past mistakes, we can move beyond obstacles in our paths. We can choose to accept them and then adapt as well.
I have made many steps in my recovery. These steps in time can add up to being miracles. I can't get rid of my illness, but I can live with it. I can infact live just as well as anyone else. If you knew me years ago you would know how miraculous this is.
The challenge in life is often not to be able to change our circumstances. It can instead be to accept them and then choose to do our best in spite of these circumstances. So when you find yourself in a situation that can not be changed, be patient. As long as you don't give up you can achieve what it is that you need to. You may even come out of your struggles having gained more than you had lost.
I have made many steps in my recovery. These steps in time can add up to being miracles. I can't get rid of my illness, but I can live with it. I can infact live just as well as anyone else. If you knew me years ago you would know how miraculous this is.
The challenge in life is often not to be able to change our circumstances. It can instead be to accept them and then choose to do our best in spite of these circumstances. So when you find yourself in a situation that can not be changed, be patient. As long as you don't give up you can achieve what it is that you need to. You may even come out of your struggles having gained more than you had lost.
New Day
I have recently been feeling unmotivated. I think because it is such a daunting task to have a place in this world. I have been discouraged. I feel as though I can only go so far in this world from effort alone. I am just smart enough and motivated enough to keep going but not to get any where.
This morning in writing I have realized that much of the work that I need to do is not in attempting to be smarter or stronger. It is not done inwardly at all. Life is hard in and of its self and to treat each day as if it were new is it own work. This work is appreciated by others. And if I can not have the place in this world I desire from sheer determination, I can still love myself and my life.
In treating each day as if it were new I can move forward just as well as if I worked towards being more educated. The world rewards those who choose to savor life. They are rewarded with a sense of purpose and belonging. We need sometimes to be reminded that our significance in our society is that we have a light inside us. This light is fueled by a life lived for each moment of each and every day.
This morning in writing I have realized that much of the work that I need to do is not in attempting to be smarter or stronger. It is not done inwardly at all. Life is hard in and of its self and to treat each day as if it were new is it own work. This work is appreciated by others. And if I can not have the place in this world I desire from sheer determination, I can still love myself and my life.
In treating each day as if it were new I can move forward just as well as if I worked towards being more educated. The world rewards those who choose to savor life. They are rewarded with a sense of purpose and belonging. We need sometimes to be reminded that our significance in our society is that we have a light inside us. This light is fueled by a life lived for each moment of each and every day.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Learning Together
This blog is now over 5 months old. It has evolved a great deal in that time. As this blog developed into what it is today I have grown. This pursuit of publishing my stories and wisdom on the internet has shaped me into a new person. I have developed a fondness of writing and now realize I can make a difference.
I believe the concept of this blog is still changing. The focus of recovery will remain. However, the manner in which I get my ideas across is not yet fully evolved. I started the blog by writing exercise and nutrition articles. I tapped into what I knew on these subjects fairly quickly. The focus of the blog shifted away from exercise and nutrition to be focused on my personal story of recovery.
I have now written most of my recovery story within this blog. Similarly to when I felt I had tapped into my knowledge of exercise and nutrition the focus of this blog is presently shifting. I am not absolutely sure of where this project will take me.
I will test the waters of my writing process. I have ideas for sources of inspiration beyond the daily events that influence my views and feelings. I am looking forward to this phase in my writing. I believe as when I shifted away from exercise and nutrition that in proceeding into new territory I will grow. All of you my readers and I will learn together from this process.
I believe the concept of this blog is still changing. The focus of recovery will remain. However, the manner in which I get my ideas across is not yet fully evolved. I started the blog by writing exercise and nutrition articles. I tapped into what I knew on these subjects fairly quickly. The focus of the blog shifted away from exercise and nutrition to be focused on my personal story of recovery.
I have now written most of my recovery story within this blog. Similarly to when I felt I had tapped into my knowledge of exercise and nutrition the focus of this blog is presently shifting. I am not absolutely sure of where this project will take me.
I will test the waters of my writing process. I have ideas for sources of inspiration beyond the daily events that influence my views and feelings. I am looking forward to this phase in my writing. I believe as when I shifted away from exercise and nutrition that in proceeding into new territory I will grow. All of you my readers and I will learn together from this process.
Trip To NYC
In 2003 or 2004 I took a trip to New York City. The purpose of this trip was to sell poetry I had written. I was very delusional at the time. I believed that I had been a famous artist in my early adulthood. I thought I had been a singer, rapper, painter, actor and film director. I thought to sell my poetry to one of my fans instead of getting it published.
I went to New York with my notebook in hand. I thought for sure that I would be noticed once I was in the city. I thought for sure that one of my fans would come to see me and then I would sell my book of poetry. And so when I was in the city I went to Time Square and waited. I stood there all day and nobody came.
This is just one of many stories in which a little doubt in regards to my delusions was cast. It was hard for me to accept that many beliefs I held were false. And so it took a while for it to sink in.
I no longer am delusional. I have won that battle. I am symptom free and ready to move on to the challenges life presents beyond that of my affliction, schizophrenia. There are days that I feel I am doing very well and there are days I feel like I could be doing better. Just like anyone else I have much room for improvement. I am proud of my recovery and the person I've become.
I went to New York with my notebook in hand. I thought for sure that I would be noticed once I was in the city. I thought for sure that one of my fans would come to see me and then I would sell my book of poetry. And so when I was in the city I went to Time Square and waited. I stood there all day and nobody came.
This is just one of many stories in which a little doubt in regards to my delusions was cast. It was hard for me to accept that many beliefs I held were false. And so it took a while for it to sink in.
I no longer am delusional. I have won that battle. I am symptom free and ready to move on to the challenges life presents beyond that of my affliction, schizophrenia. There are days that I feel I am doing very well and there are days I feel like I could be doing better. Just like anyone else I have much room for improvement. I am proud of my recovery and the person I've become.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Helping Ourselves
There are many times in a life in which a decision must be made. Are we to go left or right, slow down or speed up. In times like these we must draw upon our wisdom; but more than that we have to demonstrate good character.
We have to use tremendous will power to persevere in life. If we have good fortune we will reap the benefits or fruits or our labor. However, in many instances we can become lost. It can seem as though no matter which way we turn it leads to a dead end. We can then only determine what we ourselves need to carry on.
We need to at times make sure that we ourselves come first. If times are trying we need to know ourselves well enough to slow down. And in times that we are unsure of how to proceed we need to heed the conviction in our hearts. Our character may determine how we implement ourselves in our own lives. It can help us to help ourselves as well as others.
We have to use tremendous will power to persevere in life. If we have good fortune we will reap the benefits or fruits or our labor. However, in many instances we can become lost. It can seem as though no matter which way we turn it leads to a dead end. We can then only determine what we ourselves need to carry on.
We need to at times make sure that we ourselves come first. If times are trying we need to know ourselves well enough to slow down. And in times that we are unsure of how to proceed we need to heed the conviction in our hearts. Our character may determine how we implement ourselves in our own lives. It can help us to help ourselves as well as others.
Carrying On
One of the hardest parts of having a mental illness is that it is unseen. I believe my disability is perceived differently than a physical ailment by many. In cases that a person who is physically debilitated is seen as courageous I might be called lazy.
The fact that a mental illness is not visible is a source of stigma. People have preconceived notions of what mental illness is. And as they can not actually see for themselves the debilitating effects of the illness they simply do not understand. We ourselves as mental health consumers have our illnesses thrust upon us often without being educated on what we are dealing with. Just like anyone else we have preconceived notions of what the effects of our illnesses might be.
I had feelings of guilt around symptomatic behavior for a long time. I did not understand that I was severely debilitated by my illness. And even now I think I take for granted that I am courageously moving forward in my recovery. The expectations that are put on the mentally ill are emotionally taxing and unfair.
I want all my readers to know that a mental illness can be just as debilitating as any physical ailment. It should be treated as such. If you are a mental health consumer you must not feel guilty for your circumstances. You are persistent to take on the challenge of a mental illness. You have not given up. You instead choose to carry on in the face of adversity and should be applauded.
The fact that a mental illness is not visible is a source of stigma. People have preconceived notions of what mental illness is. And as they can not actually see for themselves the debilitating effects of the illness they simply do not understand. We ourselves as mental health consumers have our illnesses thrust upon us often without being educated on what we are dealing with. Just like anyone else we have preconceived notions of what the effects of our illnesses might be.
I had feelings of guilt around symptomatic behavior for a long time. I did not understand that I was severely debilitated by my illness. And even now I think I take for granted that I am courageously moving forward in my recovery. The expectations that are put on the mentally ill are emotionally taxing and unfair.
I want all my readers to know that a mental illness can be just as debilitating as any physical ailment. It should be treated as such. If you are a mental health consumer you must not feel guilty for your circumstances. You are persistent to take on the challenge of a mental illness. You have not given up. You instead choose to carry on in the face of adversity and should be applauded.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Nurture Your Soul
We all have the ability to move forward in our lives. We can put hard times behind us, grow and learn. It may seem as though the obstacles in our paths are too much to handle. If we allow ourselves time enough our challenges will be diminished. They will appear to not be so overwhelming.
It is often just as difficult to believe we can triumph over our challenges as it is to make actually happen. We must in these times of self doubt remember to take it day by day. The personal strength you have inside you will never run out as long as you take time to nurture your soul.
It is often just as difficult to believe we can triumph over our challenges as it is to make actually happen. We must in these times of self doubt remember to take it day by day. The personal strength you have inside you will never run out as long as you take time to nurture your soul.
Nature Of Life
I am reminded today to accept myself just as I am. I know that I am working towards the life I want. And I deserve to feel good about that. I can afford to relax sometimes or enjoy a sunny day. I can let go of the expectations I have for how I live my life and the person I will be.
It seems with all the effort I make it is often to just set the bar even higher. I will reach a goal and before long try to move on to the next task. It is good that I am motivated to move forward. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of things I accomplish. I could however, choose to allow myself the freedom to be myself. And see that this its self is an accomplishment.
I now live in my own apartment in a town I like. This is a long awaited victory on my road to recovery. I can choose to remember how hard I've already worked to be where I am. I can accept that my life will not unfold exactly how I intend it to. There are many things I aspire towards that will not come easily or in the time I would like. That is the nature of life.
It seems with all the effort I make it is often to just set the bar even higher. I will reach a goal and before long try to move on to the next task. It is good that I am motivated to move forward. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of things I accomplish. I could however, choose to allow myself the freedom to be myself. And see that this its self is an accomplishment.
I now live in my own apartment in a town I like. This is a long awaited victory on my road to recovery. I can choose to remember how hard I've already worked to be where I am. I can accept that my life will not unfold exactly how I intend it to. There are many things I aspire towards that will not come easily or in the time I would like. That is the nature of life.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Not My Illness
I have schizophrenia but I am not my illness. And just the same there is more to my recovery than taking pills. I have been hurt deeply by my mental illness and I needed love and compassion to help me heal. I needed time to realize what I needed to do to recover. And to see there was a way for me to get better. I needed to know that I was not to blame for my own suffering.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007. I did not really understand what schizophrenia was until the early part of 2012. My doctors and other mental health professionals didn't seem to be interested in doing much more than medicating me. I was left to try to be a healthy individual without any knowledge of my affliction. The worst instance of this was at my diagnosis. I was told I had schizophrenia and simply sent on my way.
In the end it wasn't doctors or medication that healed my wounds. It was my own perseverance and compassion of my family. I myself found a way to deal with my illness and also live with purpose. My family helped me through the times that I had no hope for myself. This is unfortunately the nature of recovery. It is a journey of personal exploration.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007. I did not really understand what schizophrenia was until the early part of 2012. My doctors and other mental health professionals didn't seem to be interested in doing much more than medicating me. I was left to try to be a healthy individual without any knowledge of my affliction. The worst instance of this was at my diagnosis. I was told I had schizophrenia and simply sent on my way.
In the end it wasn't doctors or medication that healed my wounds. It was my own perseverance and compassion of my family. I myself found a way to deal with my illness and also live with purpose. My family helped me through the times that I had no hope for myself. This is unfortunately the nature of recovery. It is a journey of personal exploration.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Helping Hands
It's good sometimes to take a step back from our own purpose to help others. It's easy to be consumed by the responsibilities we have to ourselves; and yet there is little greater thing we can do for our own cause than to serve someone else's.
We are capable of making a difference. It may seem sometimes that we can only accomplish so much; and yet what may seem a small or insignificant gesture of goodwill can have a tremendous impact on another person. It is often not the act its self that is significant but the demonstration of compassion. When you show someone else you care you bring them happiness. This is a wonderful gift to bear.
I have in a frame a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says something along the lines that you can not help someone else without helping yourself. I think this is so. And I believe that when we help another person we remind ourselves of something deep down inside that unites everyone. When we can see clearly that we are not alone we can know we have a purpose.
We are capable of making a difference. It may seem sometimes that we can only accomplish so much; and yet what may seem a small or insignificant gesture of goodwill can have a tremendous impact on another person. It is often not the act its self that is significant but the demonstration of compassion. When you show someone else you care you bring them happiness. This is a wonderful gift to bear.
I have in a frame a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says something along the lines that you can not help someone else without helping yourself. I think this is so. And I believe that when we help another person we remind ourselves of something deep down inside that unites everyone. When we can see clearly that we are not alone we can know we have a purpose.
Public Assistance
I live off of public assistance. I collect food stamps and social security. I also have medicaid and medicare for health insurance. And I'm on a waiting list for subsidized housing. I have to be careful about having an income because I do stand to lose some of my benefits if I make money.
If I had a part time job making minimum wage I would actually be worse off than if I did nothing. This puts me in a tricky situation. As I am trying to begin a new career as a peer specialist; I am currently looking to speak at events as well as facilitate groups and write. I may have to do all of this for free at least until I get full time work with benefits.
I know there are worse situations I could be in. I am however, a little deterred from pursuits I would otherwise tackle. I could be making some money from this blog for instance and I choose to not. The problem isn't so much about money. I could live off of what I have currently for the rest of my life and be happy. It is about being free and uninhibited.
If I had a part time job making minimum wage I would actually be worse off than if I did nothing. This puts me in a tricky situation. As I am trying to begin a new career as a peer specialist; I am currently looking to speak at events as well as facilitate groups and write. I may have to do all of this for free at least until I get full time work with benefits.
I know there are worse situations I could be in. I am however, a little deterred from pursuits I would otherwise tackle. I could be making some money from this blog for instance and I choose to not. The problem isn't so much about money. I could live off of what I have currently for the rest of my life and be happy. It is about being free and uninhibited.
Have Love
To have love in your heart is its own success
Allow your life to be an expression of your love
Cultivate your relationships and be yourself
Be in love with yourself and be free
Free of expectations or materialism
These things can never take the place of compassion and purpose
Our hearts are an expression of all that is good in us
Be trustful of your heart
Embrace life
It will return the gesture
Allow inspiration to fill you life
Extend the soulful expression of who you are throughout creation with acts of kindness
Know that you are blessed just to be as you are
Be true to your heart
And no matter what !!believe!!
Without belief we can not create our own destiny as we see fit
Allow your life to be an expression of your love
Cultivate your relationships and be yourself
Be in love with yourself and be free
Free of expectations or materialism
These things can never take the place of compassion and purpose
Our hearts are an expression of all that is good in us
Be trustful of your heart
Embrace life
It will return the gesture
Allow inspiration to fill you life
Extend the soulful expression of who you are throughout creation with acts of kindness
Know that you are blessed just to be as you are
Be true to your heart
And no matter what !!believe!!
Without belief we can not create our own destiny as we see fit
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Complications
How do things get to be so complicated. I started this blog to share with others, my experiences. I continue to write because I have found I like writing. As well as because of all the great feedback I've received from my readers.
I have recently been trying to promote the blog as well as myself for financial gain. I would have promoted myself with either a book or youtube channel. It is fun and exciting to see my work is reaching people. And I am justified in wanting a financial return on the work I do. I do not however, want to lose sight of what is really important.
I have to feel good about what I am doing. If I write because I like writing this this is good. I may not make a living as a writer but few do. I am making a difference and I can be proud of that. The whole idea of turning my writing into something profitable is stifling.
I have recently been trying to promote the blog as well as myself for financial gain. I would have promoted myself with either a book or youtube channel. It is fun and exciting to see my work is reaching people. And I am justified in wanting a financial return on the work I do. I do not however, want to lose sight of what is really important.
I have to feel good about what I am doing. If I write because I like writing this this is good. I may not make a living as a writer but few do. I am making a difference and I can be proud of that. The whole idea of turning my writing into something profitable is stifling.
Dig Deep
At one point I had the idea to print some small books. I wanted to be able to sell the books for a dollar a piece. The idea was to have a self sustaining means to promote my blog. I thought this would be feasible because I have a friend who is a publisher.
My publisher friend told me he could publish my book for the cost of paper and ink. It turns out that I did not clearly understand that he thought or would recommend that I have a local print shop do the actual printing. I believed he would do the printing himself.
The print shop I would have used charges 10 cents a page. I have seen poetry books written by a friend of mine for $7.50. They were about 29 pages long. I am not however, going to charge that much money for something that is already available for free on the internet.
I was pretty apprehensive about this publishing project last night. I felt uneasy but had not yet clearly identified what was making me feel that way. I spent a lot of time thinking on the matter. I was in fact thinking on it more then I feel was necessary. This was the most anxious I had felt since I first considered leaving my former group home (Meadowview.)
In the instance of leaving Meadowview my feelings and anxiety were self created. I was able to work through those feelings I had. I sought out support from others. I made the move into my current living situation and am happy I have. In this instance of publishing I again sought support and found that my feelings were justified.
It can be hard to say if our anxiety has a sound basis or not. We can only carefully weigh out what is causing us stress. In an instance in which you are stressed allow yourself the time needed to make the right decision; and talk to people about your feelings. Hearing our own word can helps us to dig down and find the root of our problem.
My publisher friend told me he could publish my book for the cost of paper and ink. It turns out that I did not clearly understand that he thought or would recommend that I have a local print shop do the actual printing. I believed he would do the printing himself.
The print shop I would have used charges 10 cents a page. I have seen poetry books written by a friend of mine for $7.50. They were about 29 pages long. I am not however, going to charge that much money for something that is already available for free on the internet.
I was pretty apprehensive about this publishing project last night. I felt uneasy but had not yet clearly identified what was making me feel that way. I spent a lot of time thinking on the matter. I was in fact thinking on it more then I feel was necessary. This was the most anxious I had felt since I first considered leaving my former group home (Meadowview.)
In the instance of leaving Meadowview my feelings and anxiety were self created. I was able to work through those feelings I had. I sought out support from others. I made the move into my current living situation and am happy I have. In this instance of publishing I again sought support and found that my feelings were justified.
It can be hard to say if our anxiety has a sound basis or not. We can only carefully weigh out what is causing us stress. In an instance in which you are stressed allow yourself the time needed to make the right decision; and talk to people about your feelings. Hearing our own word can helps us to dig down and find the root of our problem.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Just Believe
This morning I woke up very excited about a particular project I'm working on. This project is a writing support group. I am currently working on a proposal that will be seen by a select board. In addition to the writing support group I'm working on promoting my upcoming book. I am looking to do book readings for mental health professionals and consumers.
My work as a peer in the recovery community is beginning to expand. The root of my work is in writing. This root has now sprouted. Offshoots of my advocacy work have emerged and I believe this work will eventually be in full bloom.
The hope I have for my future is growing stronger by the day. I think I am capable of living an inspired and productive life. I have always dreamed of being a public speaker and now this is close at hand. We all have a purpose in this world and if we don't give up this purpose will be fulfilled. Just believe.
My work as a peer in the recovery community is beginning to expand. The root of my work is in writing. This root has now sprouted. Offshoots of my advocacy work have emerged and I believe this work will eventually be in full bloom.
The hope I have for my future is growing stronger by the day. I think I am capable of living an inspired and productive life. I have always dreamed of being a public speaker and now this is close at hand. We all have a purpose in this world and if we don't give up this purpose will be fulfilled. Just believe.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Television
I currently do not own a television. I am finding that I am using my time better without a t.v. than I would with one. This is not my first time living without a television. I was without one at times in my early twenties as well. In those times I can remember reading a lot. I feel as though they were times that I have mostly fond memories of.
I think the good of not having a t.v. outweighs the bad. I know others who don't own televisions and I think they are smarter for it. I am now thinking that in the future I may remain without television. Whereas right now I don't have one for financial reasons.
There are many great ways to spend your time not watching t.v. in addition to reading. I have been regularly going on hikes with one of my friends. I of course spend time writing and I exercise too. I'm happy with how my days are being spent. I feel thankful that I am not dependent on the television to pass the time.
I think the good of not having a t.v. outweighs the bad. I know others who don't own televisions and I think they are smarter for it. I am now thinking that in the future I may remain without television. Whereas right now I don't have one for financial reasons.
There are many great ways to spend your time not watching t.v. in addition to reading. I have been regularly going on hikes with one of my friends. I of course spend time writing and I exercise too. I'm happy with how my days are being spent. I feel thankful that I am not dependent on the television to pass the time.
Poetry Slam
I had the humbling experience of entering a poetry slam last night. A poetry slam is a contest in which each writer has 3 minutes per round to recite a poem. We had 3 rounds and 6 poets in the slam. The first 2 rounds were preliminary. The final round featured the top three poets from the first 2 rounds.
There was a panel of 3 judges. They rated the poetry on a scale of 1 to 10. My scores were considerably lower than what I was hoping for. I felt a little dejected in receiving scores as low as 5. I have received a lot of positive feedback on my writing. This was one of the few times I've seen real criticism of my work.
I have come a long way as a writer since I started journaling this past year. Last night was a reminder that I still can progress much further. I'm happy to be able to view my writing in this light. I have not allowed myself to be discouraged by my experience last night. It is instead inspiring me to not get to comfortable in being the writer I already am.
On a side note the winner of last nights poetry slam was to say the least, deserving. He came across as being very real. I was amazed not really by his use of language as much as how he portrayed himself. I felt in one way that I could relate to him and in another I felt admiration. I got a chance to talk to him after the slam. I told him how much I loved his poetry. He returned the compliment. All in all I had a great night out.
There was a panel of 3 judges. They rated the poetry on a scale of 1 to 10. My scores were considerably lower than what I was hoping for. I felt a little dejected in receiving scores as low as 5. I have received a lot of positive feedback on my writing. This was one of the few times I've seen real criticism of my work.
I have come a long way as a writer since I started journaling this past year. Last night was a reminder that I still can progress much further. I'm happy to be able to view my writing in this light. I have not allowed myself to be discouraged by my experience last night. It is instead inspiring me to not get to comfortable in being the writer I already am.
On a side note the winner of last nights poetry slam was to say the least, deserving. He came across as being very real. I was amazed not really by his use of language as much as how he portrayed himself. I felt in one way that I could relate to him and in another I felt admiration. I got a chance to talk to him after the slam. I told him how much I loved his poetry. He returned the compliment. All in all I had a great night out.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Unsung Heroes
I think the role family members play in a person's recovery often can go unsung. They are crucial to recovery. I can say this from experience as I have had far greater support from my parents than I would have ever anticipated. They have stuck by me through hard times and are heroes in the truest sense of the word.
I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I speak to them daily and see them monthly. I feel privileged to be so supported and loved. I know my parents feel that they are blessed to have me as their son.
I was adopted as an infant. I have never known my biological family and do not intend to ever get in touch. The family I have is wonderful. I could not have hoped for better. Everyday I realize more and more how important my relationships with my family are.
I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I speak to them daily and see them monthly. I feel privileged to be so supported and loved. I know my parents feel that they are blessed to have me as their son.
I was adopted as an infant. I have never known my biological family and do not intend to ever get in touch. The family I have is wonderful. I could not have hoped for better. Everyday I realize more and more how important my relationships with my family are.
Self-Publishing
A short time ago I mentioned in an article that I'm looking to make a book. I was intending to publish all my articles I have written. I wanted to take another 6 months to get more ideas on paper. My goal was to have written a book that was approximately 200 pages long. This idea has evolved into publishing a 50 page book. It will be completed in less than a month.
My idea in publishing selected works from my blog as opposed to the whole thing is use the book for pr. I think using my best articles for a book will reel readers into the blog. The great thing about using print for promotional purposes is that it will earn a profit on its own.
Self publishing does require some money. I am going to spend well over $100 on the first batch of books. I have $20 going to a friend to have him design the cover. I will also have to pay to have the print formatted. This is still a fair price and I'm confident I will not lose out on this project.
If I want to make money this way I will have to promote the book. I intend to do a book reading shortly after it is released. I'm going to hold on to the book for a couple weeks after it has been published to promote the reading. This will give me enough time to promote the reading. All in all I am very excited about this new venture.
My idea in publishing selected works from my blog as opposed to the whole thing is use the book for pr. I think using my best articles for a book will reel readers into the blog. The great thing about using print for promotional purposes is that it will earn a profit on its own.
Self publishing does require some money. I am going to spend well over $100 on the first batch of books. I have $20 going to a friend to have him design the cover. I will also have to pay to have the print formatted. This is still a fair price and I'm confident I will not lose out on this project.
If I want to make money this way I will have to promote the book. I intend to do a book reading shortly after it is released. I'm going to hold on to the book for a couple weeks after it has been published to promote the reading. This will give me enough time to promote the reading. All in all I am very excited about this new venture.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Letter to Earth
Dear Earth,
Thank you for providing me what you have. A loving family, friends, food and shelter. This is a partial list of course. There are many treasures you have lovingly bestowed upon me.
You encompass all of life; and yet very seldom receive the credit you deserve. Instead you are often mistreated or raped. And you still bless all you give life.
I have learned many valuable lessons from you. You've taught me the value of love and patience. It is from your yielding nature that you are an example of these two qualities. I see you being abused and continuing to spread joy with your beauty. I know one day your good will prevail over evil.
Your mountains, plains and oceans are my home. Your expanse is my playground. I find in you inspiration. I try to be a friend to you. I want to show you my appreciation.
I am just one of an endless array of creatures and plants that you give life. I still feel as if you know me. You know when to let me fall. And when to lift me up. You challenge me and you spread your love through my heart.
You give all of creation equal parts of your attention. The large and small, predators and prey. Your loving embrace even spreads through disease and malice. You are graceful beyond measure. It is a joy to be in your presence.
It seems as if you know no other way than to spread love. Your embrace and compassion are without equal. What you provide is virtually endless. It is with your resources that mankind may flourish.
I wish to share with you the love that is in my heart. You deserve it more than I. It is you who taught me of love. For this you hold a special place in my heart. This gift is greater than any you may receive in return.
I can see clearly how I'm a reflection of how beautiful you are. My heart and soul are brush strokes on a canvas. Without you they have no place. They could not share as they are meant to. You lie as a back drop seemingly happy to be known through others.
You are my friend. I will spread the love you have shown me. I know it is through me you are given life. I am a vessel to your ocean. It is through your embrace that my life gains meaning. You nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. I am glad to know you exactly as you are.
Thank you for providing me what you have. A loving family, friends, food and shelter. This is a partial list of course. There are many treasures you have lovingly bestowed upon me.
You encompass all of life; and yet very seldom receive the credit you deserve. Instead you are often mistreated or raped. And you still bless all you give life.
I have learned many valuable lessons from you. You've taught me the value of love and patience. It is from your yielding nature that you are an example of these two qualities. I see you being abused and continuing to spread joy with your beauty. I know one day your good will prevail over evil.
Your mountains, plains and oceans are my home. Your expanse is my playground. I find in you inspiration. I try to be a friend to you. I want to show you my appreciation.
I am just one of an endless array of creatures and plants that you give life. I still feel as if you know me. You know when to let me fall. And when to lift me up. You challenge me and you spread your love through my heart.
You give all of creation equal parts of your attention. The large and small, predators and prey. Your loving embrace even spreads through disease and malice. You are graceful beyond measure. It is a joy to be in your presence.
It seems as if you know no other way than to spread love. Your embrace and compassion are without equal. What you provide is virtually endless. It is with your resources that mankind may flourish.
I wish to share with you the love that is in my heart. You deserve it more than I. It is you who taught me of love. For this you hold a special place in my heart. This gift is greater than any you may receive in return.
I can see clearly how I'm a reflection of how beautiful you are. My heart and soul are brush strokes on a canvas. Without you they have no place. They could not share as they are meant to. You lie as a back drop seemingly happy to be known through others.
You are my friend. I will spread the love you have shown me. I know it is through me you are given life. I am a vessel to your ocean. It is through your embrace that my life gains meaning. You nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. I am glad to know you exactly as you are.
Adding Value To My Life
I like philosophy. Life its self intrigues me. I hope to cultivate wisdom and understanding in myself over the years that lay ahead. This is in part my motivation to write. I am a little biased towards wisdom and understanding over knowledge and intelligence. I see the value of wisdom and understanding in how it permeates our souls. I feel that we can develop compassion for others if we choose to understand ourselves.
If you have read much of my work the previous paragraph was likely no surprise. I believe I have a good grasp of things and that it should be expressed. I like doing this through essays and poems. I am looking to expand from this into speaking and mentoring.
I have come far in deepening my understanding of life and other philosophical topics. I am also just beginning. I believe I will find understanding through poetry. I both write and read poetry. This is in its self quite rewarding. I think I will gain insight to the heart and soul of men and women in poetry.
I also believe in developing meaning in my own life. I think I can teach better how to provide meaning in life better the more experienced I am. I am doing things that are rewarding. And attempting to be happy with what I have. I want to share what I learn and feel that it is sharing its self that adds value to our lives.
If you have read much of my work the previous paragraph was likely no surprise. I believe I have a good grasp of things and that it should be expressed. I like doing this through essays and poems. I am looking to expand from this into speaking and mentoring.
I have come far in deepening my understanding of life and other philosophical topics. I am also just beginning. I believe I will find understanding through poetry. I both write and read poetry. This is in its self quite rewarding. I think I will gain insight to the heart and soul of men and women in poetry.
I also believe in developing meaning in my own life. I think I can teach better how to provide meaning in life better the more experienced I am. I am doing things that are rewarding. And attempting to be happy with what I have. I want to share what I learn and feel that it is sharing its self that adds value to our lives.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Faith & Courage
I am faced with some challenges in my life presently. I am without a car. And this makes it difficult for me to get the work I want. I would like to work as a peer specialist but their is little opportunity for that where I live. I am not sure how this will work it's self out. I am confident that whatever manner in which my life unfolds that I can get through it. I will lead a life of purpose.
It took time for me to develop this faith I have in myself. I believed for a long time that I would remain lost. I did not see that there was a means for me to live according to my own aspirations and desires. This faith I now have helps keep me on course. I know that I might not get the job I want when I want to. I might have to compromise this part of my plan. However, if I'm persistent I will make this happen eventually.
My life will continue to challenge me as all our lives do. I have had to deal with severe mental illness and I have recovered. This awakens me to my own personal spirit. It is a spirit that can continue on in hard times. I know I can be successful. One day I will look back on this time in my life and be proud of how courageous I was.
It took time for me to develop this faith I have in myself. I believed for a long time that I would remain lost. I did not see that there was a means for me to live according to my own aspirations and desires. This faith I now have helps keep me on course. I know that I might not get the job I want when I want to. I might have to compromise this part of my plan. However, if I'm persistent I will make this happen eventually.
My life will continue to challenge me as all our lives do. I have had to deal with severe mental illness and I have recovered. This awakens me to my own personal spirit. It is a spirit that can continue on in hard times. I know I can be successful. One day I will look back on this time in my life and be proud of how courageous I was.
First Snow
I woke up this morning to a lovely surprise. The first snow fell last night. And it is continuing to fall as I write this article. There wasn't much in the way of accumulation (less than 1/2 an inch.) However the white on the ground is as pretty as can be.
The first snow brings back good memories. I can remember skiing with good friends and in beautiful locations. The first snow fall in the years that I skied always marked excitement and joy. I loved the winter and being outside in the mountains; the friends I had amongst skiers and snow boarders were equally valuable.
I want to one day return to skiing. I believe it will be a proud moment for me to afford my next seasons pass. I currently am not skiing as it is not affordable. I will one day change my financial standing. It will have come after a long and difficult period of my life. This period in my life coincided with my leaving skiing. I will feel in returning to skiing that I have fully recovered.
The first snow brings back good memories. I can remember skiing with good friends and in beautiful locations. The first snow fall in the years that I skied always marked excitement and joy. I loved the winter and being outside in the mountains; the friends I had amongst skiers and snow boarders were equally valuable.
I want to one day return to skiing. I believe it will be a proud moment for me to afford my next seasons pass. I currently am not skiing as it is not affordable. I will one day change my financial standing. It will have come after a long and difficult period of my life. This period in my life coincided with my leaving skiing. I will feel in returning to skiing that I have fully recovered.
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