Thursday, January 31, 2013

My Dad

I can still remember my first time fishing quite well. My dad took me out one morning to a nearby river. I had asked a short time before to get my first fishing rod. My dad purchased two rods one for him and one for me. I was already an outdoorsy kid and was very interested in wildlife. It was only natural to begin fishing at that time.
We went to the LaMoille river just below the local dam. I cast my bait out and waited and waited. I ended up waiting for hours to get my first bite. I was eager and yet frustrated. And finally all my patience was used up. I cried and said I wanted to go home.
At that time my dad encouraged me to cast my line out just one more time. It was on that cast that I caught my very first fish. It was a hefty small mouth bass. It tugged on my line so hard; I almost couldn't hold on. It was one of the most thrilling experiences I have ever had. It wouldn't have happened if my dad weren't there for me.
That one last cast was all it took. I can think of many times in my life that my dad was there to encourage me to make one more cast. In all my times of doubt and remorse my dad has been there. He has always encouraged and supported me. My recovery would not be possible without him. Thanks dad.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Making A Change

On March 15th I will be in Montpelier to speak to Vermont's legislators about mental illness. I am very excited about this opportunity. I will only have a short 5 minutes to speak. There will however be a luncheon afterwards. I think more importantly than what I will be able to convey in just 5 minutes is that lines of communication will open.
The fact is that Rome wasn't built in a day. And I can not right the course of mental health treatment in just 5 minutes. I will hope that this opportunity will allow me to continue my advocacy work that I have started with this blog. I will look to begin communicating with others who are involved with mental healthcare at the state level.
I will share with these legislators my opinion that to improve the present system we need volunteer services. These services need to be provided to inmates as well as to the homeless and patients at hospitals. We could especially benefit if members of the peer community volunteered their time to help those who are most in need. It is time that we as a community make a change in how mental illness is addressed.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I Was Lost

It was about 1 1/2 years ago now that I was last incarcerated. My freedom was taken away; what was left of my once promising life looked bleak. This would be the third time I was locked up for more than a weekend. There are too many others like me. There are men and women whose ability to make reasonable decisions has been compromised by a mental illness. And they suffer in jail do to these illnesses.
I remember the day that I first felt free again. It had been a little more than a year since I had first been locked up in June of 2011. And I did have some freedom prior. It was however on this day I got to go on my first unsupervised excursion. I left the group home I stayed at and went on an hour long jog. I am not sure I have ever felt better in my life.
I want to be a living example of what can be done with a person who is lost and without hope. I want to show the world that we need not turn our backs to those who suffer as I did. I have turned my life around in just 1 1/2 years. There are many out there who similarly to me can do good in the world. And can make themselves into better people. I want to carry their torch.

My Political Career

I began smoking at the age of 14 or 15. My friends and I would congregate after school at one house each day and smoke. My friends all smoked cigarettes while I smoked my cigars. This time was very important in my self-created delusional world, that I lived in later in life. I believed that at one point this group of adolescents that I associated with received phone calls from Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein. They each were behind our "attempt at greatness."
This perception of us as young men attempting to be great men by congregating to smoke made sense in my delusional world. I perceived all world leaders to have a soft spot for cool people. These world leaders grew up in my world associating with famous entertainers and athletes. and they fashioned themselves as very cool. And so they showered praise on us young men for our rebelliousness.
I was already known for being a smart person amongst the very wealthiest of people. This was in part why we were selected out of all the 14 and 15 year old adolescents to be praised for smoking. It was a big break in my illustrious political career that I had fabricated in my mind. My career was marked by my stance against the presence of weapons of mass destruction. I even held a summit in Burlington, Vermont to argue against WWIII.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Food Budget

I can remember the day like it was yesterday; I was approved for food stamps. I get the maximum benefits, $200. When I learned that I would receive this amount of money for food each month I was ecstatic. At the time I was living in my now former group home. It has now been about 3 months since that day and I am still very grateful for the assistance I receive.
I have had to make some adjustments to my diet since moving into my current apartment. At Meadowview (my former group home) I was provided a salad at every meal as well as healthy snacks. The $200 dollars I get a month is enough thanks in part to the community meals offered in Brattleboro. There is a meal offered each day. However, to afford 2 meals a day for an entire month with only $200 you must spend under $3.50 per meal.
This means eating hot dogs and pasta a little more than I would like to admit. Hot dogs are basically the only meat I can afford to purchase. There will be canned vegetables offered at the food shelf on occasion. These make ramen noodles more appetizing and nutritious. I have found that bananas are very affordable. The organic bananas I buy are less than $1 per pound.
I have been able to manage this circumstance of having a monthly food budget of $200 quite well. And I eat fairly well. There is still much room for improvement in not only meeting my nutritional needs but providing myself with appetizing meals. This is the primary thing that will change as my financial situation improves.

Embracing My Life

You have schizophrenia said the doctor.
I have lived now and since for almost 6 years.
A suicide attempt and incarceration
I have tried many times to leave
this period of my life behind.

I don't know what changed
inside me when I was 14 or 15.
I can't remember the day I became sick.
It was not really an event.
Instead it built up inside me over years.
Schizophrenia is marked by
an inability to tell fact from fiction.

Until not so long ago, since
the age of 22, I believed
I had a rat in my brain.
and also that people were out to harm me.
I put myself in jail so
that I could be safe, more than once.

Over 30% of people that are
incarcerated have or experience
mental illness.
and a similar amount are living on the streets.
The majority of suicides involve
a mental disorder. and
still it is not treated as a life
threatening diagnosis like cancer or hiv.

Years and hospitals later I
feel differently than before.
I feel called to tell my story and
to make a difference. Schizophrenia
affects 1 out of every 100 people
and everyone's lives have some
way been touched by mental illness

I no longer seek to just put this part
of my life in the past.
I try to use the strength it has given me
and just be that much more determined,
live and be happy.
I am embracing my life as a schizophrenic.

Just As I Am

I wonder where I should draw the line between being at peace and being patient or motivating myself. I have had times in my life in which I was very active. I have also had times in which I did very little. It seems now that I am actively moving towards goals I have, but little more. On all counts I appear to be busy. And yet feel so lazy.
I have recently written a proposal to be awarded grant money for a writing group. Vermont Psychiatric Survivors has allotted me $1200 of funding for my writing group. I have also written a cover letter recently for a peer specialist position and will interview fairly soon. This is in addition to doing all the writing I have been for this blog. And I have been actively maintaining a healthy weight.
It seems that I'm doing pretty well to keep moving forward. However, I often go to bed at 7 p.m. and take 2 showers a day. I know I could be doing a lot of things to keep myself busy and yet I just let my time pass. I understand that not having a real job leaves a large chunk of time for me to fill.  I am moving forward towards goals I have set. I want to let go of self-imposed expectations to allow myself to feel good about myself just as I am.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

How I Became Homeless

I was 20 years old when I moved to California. I was a ski instructor at the time and wanted to experience the big mountains of the west. It was spring when I made the move. The season was just finishing at my home mountain. The season at Mammoth, where I moved, was still going strong. I skied many days in the warm sunny climate that spring. The experience of skiing that mountain was well worth the wait.
I had tried to move out to Mammoth about a year earlier. I decided on Mammoth as my destination of choice in high school. My decision was mostly based on steepness and length of the ski season. I unfortunately got in a car accident driving back to my parents house. I had gone out to purchase a road map that I would have used to guide me to California. The cost of repairs made it impossible to afford the trip.
The ski season did eventually finish up at Mammoth and I got two jobs working in restaraunts. I had moved out of the employee lodging that I had originally stayed in and got an apartment with a new friend. We spent that entire summer together. We had a season long lease for the place. As the end of the lease was drawing near I began looking for a new apartment. My roommate and I had trouble finding something affordable in this resort town.
My roommate cut his losses at one point and headed back to his parents. The end of the lease was within a week's time and we had found nothing. It wasn't too much longer however, before I did find a place. It was a nice three bedroom apartment with three floors. One was a basement but it was finished and had two bedrooms. The third bedroom was on the top floor. I stayed there and worked until the ski season drew near.
Over the summer and fall I had worked enough to take some time off before the ski season. I decided I would sell my car for some extra money. I first looked into selling it to a dealer but wasn't happy with that offer. It was not very long before one man in town made me an offer. I was going through the Carl's Jr. drive though. The manager asked me if I would give him the car for a large amount of marijuana. I agreed.
The winter was fast approaching I had even begun working at the mountain doing odd jobs for the ski school. I was shampooing the rug in the instructor's locker room and other such things. And I was beginning to sell pot for income. Unfortunately I went into town on my new bicycle that I had purchased. I put some bags of pot in my back pack and headed into town. I was riding along at one point and without my noticing all the bags of pot I had fell out of my back pack and onto the road. I had forgotten to zip up the pocket.
I still had quite a bit of weed left and was as I said working at the mountain. And so I was doing alright. Then I went to a young man in town and asked if he wanted any marijuana. He did and I brought him to my apartment. A few days later I went home to discover that all my pot had been stolen. The amount of work I was getting at the mountain was not enough to pay my rent. And as a result I would spend a portion of that next winter living in a storage unit.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Mired

I look at the age of 22 as a turning point in my life. It was when I became to impaired by schizophrenia to function normally. I still wonder however if this was my first break. Is the on-set of an illness like schizophrenia an event or a process. The nature of schizophrenia lends it's self to a distorted impression of your past. Your delusions and actual experiences intermingle as you act on your false beliefs.
It was when I was 22 that I began studying strategy because I believed I had been a great warrior. I have hard evidence in a collection of books to prove this. However, my memory of my adolescence tells me that I was out spoken about my belief that I would be the next Adolf Hitler. And I know very well that I was looking into becoming a Mensa member; was this a result of delusions of grandeur?
I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia until I was 27 possibly more than 10 years after on-set. I have many questions as to what may or may not have occurred in that time. Central to my delusions were my promiscuity and fighting. I remember myself as a tremendously great fighter which I understand is mostly false if not entirely. I will never know fully well much of how I lived in my early adult hood. It is just too mired by my symptoms of schizophrenia.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

My Best Friend

Growing up I had one best friend, Brian. He and I were basically attached at the hip. So much so, that I see his mom as my second mom. We would go back and forth playing at each other's houses virtually every day throughout our childhood. Our parents shared the responsibility of raising us.
My mom and dad met Brian's parents through church. They still go to the same church to this day and are close friends themselves. I'm not sure how old I was when I began playing with Brian. I honestly do not remember very well our not being friends. I do however have many memories of drawing in the back of our church during the sermon. And many other such experiences.
Brian and I were well matched. We were both active getting our hands dirty types of boys. We spent an unimaginable amount of time in the woods behind my house. We also tried digging a hole in my back yard all the way to China. We were best friends most of the way until junior high.
In junior high our interests diverted. He became very invested in soccer. He played in both spring and fall. His closest friends were also soccer players. At this same time I began being less interested in sports and more interested in sewing my wild oats. I smoked pot heavily and was up to no good most of the time. Brian and I despite going our separate ways remained friends.
Brian went on to play college soccer and I began teaching skiing. We hung out together still. And at times were pretty close. We were especially good friends for a while when he lived in my neighborhood. I believe the last time I saw him was at his kid sister's wedding. I also got to meet his wife and kid.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Over The Horizon

I did seasonal work as a ski instructor as a young adult. I liked the work but was always looking for new off-season jobs in the spring. If I had been a little more forward thinking I would have learned a trade for the off season. I didn't and so I went from job to job to job. This lasted until I was too consumed by mental illness to continue working.
The years of not keeping steady work were further perpetuated by my illness. I have gaps in my work history that can be attributed to my dealing with schizophrenia. I had prior to becoming ill been fired from a number of jobs. Lastly, I had been in trouble with the law. All in all I wasn't hopeful of what was over the horizon.
A year or two after I had been diagnosed I began studying chess. I was really interested in the game and had all the time in the world to study. I was desperate to have a means of supporting myself that would be stimulating. And I thought that if I devoted myself to studying chess I could possibly do well. I had even read that a person could potentially reach master level after 3 years of study.
I had no idea at that time what I would eventually do with myself. I hadn't had anyone tell me that I could be a speaker or a writer. I myself didn't know that this type of opportunity would be out there. And I wonder why professionals that I worked with didn't see this as something to encourage me to do. I am not getting any real income from what I do as of yet. I am however, happy with myself. I am now hopeful of what is over the horizon.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Looking Back

I remember when I was in Miami I stayed at a hostel. I was there at the hostel for about a month. It was located right on the strip that ran along side the beach. In this location I was able to soak in all the glitz and glamor of the big city. I was immersed in all the goings on of the beach. I grew up in rural Vermont and this experience really opened my eyes.
I met some people while I was in Miami. There was a couple that I hung out with often for a short time. They were living together without a home. Each of them had dropped out of high school to go out on their own. We shared sandwiches one time. I had purchased some bread and ham at the store and shared it with them. At one point I stopped seeing them around. The young man had said he was going to move in with his grand mother. I hoped this is what happened.
My experience in Miami was far from positive. It served to be a set back at the time. I see myself now and how far I have come. I wonder how much I owe the positive change in my life to the set backs I've experienced. I feel great about what I am doing now. And would not trade any bit of it if it meant that I would not arrive where I currently am. I hope that the young couple I met in Miami can look back on their experience of living on the streets in Miami positively too.

Trip To Kentucky

I will be heading back home later this morning. The trip here to Kentucky to see my sister and her family was great. I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with the kids. The best part of the trip however, was seeing my folks with their grand children. I hadn't seen my parents so happy in a long time.
I think this occasion was quite special for mom and dad. The family hadn't gotten together for many years. I hadn't even spoken to my sister for a long time. It was my Christmas wish to go see my sister and her family this year. And my folks thanked me last night for getting us all back together.
I was also happy to be able to teach my sister's oldest how to play chess. She seemed interested in playing the game. She and I are going to begin playing on-line. I really wanted to be able the share what I know about the game with my sister's kids. It makes me happy to play a role in the kids lives.

Monday, January 21, 2013

We All Can Recover

As a person who has recovered from schizophrenia I can understand how a person's mind can deceive them. The truth is that our minds have a remarkable amount of control over what and how we perceive ourselves and our world. I have had many beliefs that I now know are not true. And I wonder sometimes what I could have possibly been thinking.
I once believed that I had swam out into Lake Champlain and captured Champ (a local sea monster) with a rope. I hauled Champ back to the shore and burned it with gasoline. I remember telling people that some locals had killed our local legend. Although I had killed champ in broad daylight it was far from being a well known fact.
Its hard to say how are minds can have us believe such things as that. I was however locked into a frightening reality. This reality was as real to me as it is far fetched that I could have ever captured Champ with a rope. I suffered terribly from my bout with schizophrenia. I have recovered.
The point is that remarkable and miraculous things can happen. They can happen rather abruptly. I let go of all my beliefs at one specific moment in time. My life was changed. I moved past being afflicted by a mental illness to being a person who had a bright future. We all can change and we all can recover.

Lost Time

I'm in Kentucky visiting my sister and her family. She has two daughters and a son. I've had a great time playing with the kids. They have a playground directly behind their house. My folks and I went back there with the 3 kids while my sister and her husband were at the "range." I especially enjoyed seeing how Elaina the oldest interacted with other kids.
The two girls were a little shy when I first showed up but have warmed up to me now. They are 5 and 7 years old. This is my very first visit to see them. Schizophrenia caused me to be absent in the lives of my sister and her family for all those years. It is just one thing that I have missed out on in the last 10 years because of my illness.
I am recovered now and am living far better than I have in many years. I am dedicating my life to seeing that others benefit from my experience with this horrible illness. I am just beginning my advocacy work with this blog. I have already begun speaking and may start in a peer position at my local agency soon. I have many years ahead of me and will make use of every one of them.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Change From Within

I believe it is a peer specialist's role to bridge the gap between treatment team and patient. We as peers are able to see the more human characteristics of a person's experience with a mental illness. It is my goal to provide my readers with an identifiable and yet inspiring voice.
I have had the privilege of working with peers myself. And I found them to be very helpful. My writing is influenced by this experience. I can remember one of the peers telling me to be mostly positive in telling your story. The stories each of the peers I have worked with helped me to be hopeful that I could recover. And the presence of these people who were leading full and rewarding lives was an inspiration.
I hope to bring about positive change not only as a writer. There is much room for improvement in the mental health system. I believe positive change can only come from within. It will be a matter of opening lines of communication between doctors and policy makers with sufferers of these illnesses. We can not however bring about the changes we want to see simply from pointing our finger. As they say we must ourselves be the change we want to see in the world.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Making A Difference

One of the primary symptoms of schizophrenia that I have experienced was a decreased ability to tell reality from fantasy. I had an entire alternate reality that I had created. It was just as in depth and extensive as my true reality. I'm not sure where or when this belief in a false reality began. What I don know is that media would influence my perception of my existence. I believed that movies and songs were made about me. I remember very specifically thinking the movie Fight Club was about me. The relationship between the man and woman in that movie represented the relationship I believed I had with Madonna.
I had quite a few famous friends. I was an artist in this self created reality. And I associated largely with other artists. Madonna was one of my very closest friends. I even believed she had at one time asked me to marry her. I chose not to because it would have derailed my military career. All of the famous artists I knew regarded me highly. I sang and wrote music as well as paint. And that was not all. I had taught myself how to play the drums, violin, trumpet and guitar. I taught myself how to paint and I think the only art I had any instruction is was martial arts.
My life as an artist culminated when I went out on tour. I called this tour I did when I was 21 the Blast Tour. I traveled around the country playing music. I remember that I had promoted the tour and then at the last minute decided not to do it. A few of the attendees of my first show came to my  home and picked me up. They brought me out to the event and the tour began. The tour was a great success. I made exactly as much money as I had intended to. I think it was $50,000. I also won a grammy award that year.
It was hard for me to see that this had never happened. And although I did have doubts at times I clung to this belief. I did eventually realize that I had been delusional. I have since been doing far better as a person both professionally and socially than I had for about 10 years. Its hard to have lost so much time to a twisted reality caused by a mental illness. I in part grieve the loss of those years. I am however empowered by this horrible experience as well. I know there are many out there who are walking in the same shoes I did. It is my mission to make a difference in those people's lives.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

My Neighborhood Library

I was lucky enough growing up to have a library in my neighborhood. It was located on the next street north of my own street. I would often go to the library and get books about snakes; and other such things that appeal to young outdoorsy boys.
My town Milton was a rural Vermont town. Its total population was under 10,000 people. I had things available other than the library that I could walk to. We lived near the center of town.
I was a very active boy. Living in a safe community was nice. I could go out on all day adventures by myself at a young age. There were times as a teenager that I wished I had grown up in a large city. However, now I feel lucky to have grown up as I did. In a small town community with a public library close by.

Deserved To Be Heard

I think that one thing that would have helped me manage my recovery better would have been for someone to see through my tough exterior. I have always thought to try my best to not be too needy. And for many years I did not share what I was going through. I wanted to share my story but felt vulnerable and uneasy about expressing myself.
I don't think it would have taken more than a little time and encouragement from another person for me to open up. I did eventually try telling my story to my doctors. They however, seemed only concerned with symptoms or issues that impaired their patients. I was seemingly managing well. At least that is how I believe I appeared to others.
In my years of dealing with and recovering from schizophrenia I have had terrible and traumatic events occur. I was able to seem "normal" to most people most of the time. I knew myself that my experiences had been far from normal. I felt less validated when people around me told me that I seemed normal. I wanted someone to reach out to me and to say that they felt my pain.
There is a great deal more to any one individual than what meets the eye. We have all had our triumphs and misery. I have seen many times that seemingly ordinary people have tremendous stories to tell. When we expect a person dealing with a major illness like schizophrenia to pull through we are telling them a lie. We are saying that needn't worry that everything will be alright. We all deserve better than that.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Seizing Opportunity

In September of this past year I wrote an article titled "Goals: A Process of Steps." I had at that time decided to push towards a life long goal of speaking publicly. I have always admired people who spoke publicly. Today I will speak on mental illness to a group of people in the Burlington area. I have reached my goal.
In the goals article I put forth 15 things I could do to one day speak publicly. I still have not taken some of the steps that I put in writing. It was in fact the act of writing the article that got me the speaking gig. It was one of my readers who asked me to speak to a support group she had organized.
I am not going to hesitate to move further forward on my journey. I am going to continue promoting myself just as I have been since September. There are many opportunities out there for me to speak. I will use what I have learned in this experience to my advantage. I believe I can see better the opportunities presented to me and how I can seize them.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Non-Violent Communication

A while back I had the idea to offer peer services to inmates. As there is a prevalence of mental illness in jail I thought it would be a great venue to attack recidivism. I had this idea on the back burner for a while, until recently. Only a couple of days ago I was talking with a new friend and we got on the topic of what each of us does. I mentioned my idea of the peer-inmate-outreach program that I want to start up.
I have since that conversation decided to take on the task of offering peer services to inmates in the next year. The blog work is slowing down and so I feel like I need a new project to sink my teeth into. I started my work on the project by listing themes that might be useful in facilitating groups of inmates. I immediately thought of teaching non-violence.
I recently learned of a means to conflict resolution called non-violent communication. A friend told me that there was a non-violent communication group being held at a tea lounge in Brattleboro, where I live.I am now motivated to get this peer-inmate-outreach initiative going. And so I did some research on this topic of non-violent communication.
I have learned that non-violent communication was invented by a man named Marshal Rosenberg in the 1960's. It is already being implemented in the corrections system and also with the mentally ill. I am not sure however, if it has been used in peer mentoring offered to inmates as I would like to see. The thought of non-violent communication is that all people have the capacity for compassion. That all acts are to fulfill a need. And that conflict arises from miscommunication that induces fear, guilt or shame. Marshal Rosenbers book on the subject of non-violent communication is available on Amazon.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Memories Lost

I find it interesting that I don't seem to remember the years between 2003 and 2006 very well. The one thing I do remember best from that time was the work I had. The worst jobs I have ever had were in those years. I can remember my job cleaning port-o-lets and also one sorting recycling. I had to leave the recycling job because being in that building made me gag.
The one other thing I am sure I did a lot of in those years between 2003 and 2006 was read. I read voraciously in that time. I believed myself to be a genius and tried reading too fast. As a result I don't feel as though I learned very much in doing all the reading I did.
Shortly before this time between 2003 and 2006 I began being reclusive. I had as a result lost touch with all friends from earlier years. And so in the years between 2003 and 2006 I was alone. I don't know for sure if I ever engaged in any social activities at all.
I missed major events in that time as well. I don't even remember the years that the Patriots won their 3 Super Bowls. I'm sure I did not catch any of those games. I was too deeply entrenched in my symptoms of schizophrenia to pay attention to such a thing as a foot ball game. 

Open And Honest

I kept my hurts and feelings bottled up for many years. Whether it be because I did not trust people in my support system or because I was in denial. I beared the emotional burden put on my shoulders from schizophrenia by myself.
The act of remaining silent perpetuated its self. There was eventually so much I had experienced that I did not share that it left me at a loss for words. I did not know where to begin telling my story. That was until I began writing this blog.
Little by little I put down my experiences in writing. In the time since I began publishing this blog I have told most everything that has had a significant impact on my recovery. Everything from delusional thoughts I had to the stepping stones that have helped me move forward. I have opened up through writing.
Those who are closest to me read all my articles. We now have a far more open and honest relationship than ever before. This act of expressing myself and my story has helped me to heal. I no longer am distrustful of people I go to for support. I no longer bear my emotional burden by myself.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Right To Be Proud

As a young man I had intentions of having a career teaching skiing. This lasted until my symptoms of schizophrenia became too acute. It was not so much a question of whether I had the ability to teach. I was instead fearful that if I continued as a ski instructor that people would come to harm me. This level of symptomatic behavior occurred in the latter part of 2002.
I was in Aspen, Colorado when I began believing I might be harmed if I worked as a ski instructor. This is now just over 10 years ago. I had invested a lot of time and effort into my skiing career. It was in fact the one thing I took seriously when I was young. I was otherwise misguided.
I had graduated high school by the skin of my teeth. And had a number of run ins with the law. All in all I was floundering. I then had the added burden of a major mental illness. This further slowed my progress to being a responsible and independent adult.
I have tried many times to get myself back on my feet since that winter in Aspen. The job market in the United States in this time has not been good. And it has not helped that I have a criminal record. The work I have been able to get never paid well. I couldn't keep much of the work I got regardless of how mindless it was. This was seemingly going to be the story of my life.
I have fallen down many many times in my efforts to be a responsible adult. It has been a very frustrating experience to flounder as I have. I have felt so unproductive that I was truly ashamed.  This phase of being embarrassed of myself and circumstances went on for years.
I can remember many times that I was speaking with my parents and they told me how proud they were. I wondered what the hell is there to be proud of. I had no job and nothing seemed to be getting any better. I saw no light as the end of the tunnel.
It was not until fairly recently that I began seeing that there was something of myself that my parents could be proud of. I had finally struggled so much that it was quite courageous of me to not give up. I am no longer having such a hard time and seeing that I was not a failure was a big step to making my future as bright as it now seems to be.
I am actively working to advocate for others with mental illnesses. I feel good about what I am doing for the first time in many years. I get a lot of encouragement which makes me proud of myself. People now throw around words like courageous and brave when they describe me. It feels good to be appreciated. I see now that I have a right to be proud.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

My New Year

This year is starting off really well. Yesterday I got a grant approved and will be facilitating a writing group twice a month. I also could be beginning in a peer specialist position very soon. It is an exciting time to see all my work I've done pay off.
The blog has directly helped me to make this new year more rewarding. It is beginning to open doors for me. My contact person from Vermont Psychiatric Survivors which is funding the writing group read my blog before getting into contact with me. I am going to present some selected articles from the blog at my interview for the peer position at HCRS.
What began just 6 months ago now has blossomed into something I never expected it to be. I have now gotten up to 10000 page views and have written over 220 articles. I'm proud of my work. This has been my first ever real project as a writer. It will remain with me always as one of the best things I ever did.

Making A Difference

I can remember a time when the symptoms of schizophrenia I experienced were pronounced. I came up with a plan to avoid a potential disaster. At the time I believed I might be severely tortured. I thought if I were to be homeless I would be left alone. I thought I would be safe.
It was a warm day during the tail end of winter here in Vermont. I hitch hiked roughly 40 miles to a nearby town (Barre) of the state capital.  I went to this area of the state to get involved with politics. One of my symptoms of schizophrenia was delusion of grandeur. I believed I had had a political career earlier in life.
I arrived at the shelter in Barre and was admitted. I had money in a bank account but couldn't access it myself. And so I may have had $5 to live with. In addition to not having money I had no change of clothes, winter coat and would shortly run out of tobacco. I left without planning ahead, out of desperation. I needed help.
Things got worse from that point in time before they got better. I wonder now if I could have recovered form schizophrenia in a less painful and traumatic manner. I was then not aware of many available services or the nature of my illness.
It is experiences like this which fuel my desire to write for my blog. I believe I can make a difference. This blog is just a step in the right direction for me. I am pursuing a career in peer advocacy. I believe firmly that if the peer community must band together. If we all make an effort to improve existing services of mental health treatment things could get much better.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Last Breath of Freedom

gasping breath
swallowing water
drowning in sorrow and guilt
I can not swim
I can only wallow and wilt

Monday, January 7, 2013

I'm An Uncle

I have an older sister, Anna. She is three years older than I am and is married. She has three children of which two are girls. The boy who is the youngest of the three is named Wyatt. His two older sisters are Elaina and Lauren. I have not ever met the younger two of the three children that are my nieces and nephew. When I met the oldest she (Elaina) was still an infant.
I will be going to Kentucky to see my sister later this month. I will get to meet Lauren and Wyatt for the first time. And this will be the first experience any of the three will have with me that they will be able to remember as adults.
I am unsure of what my role as an uncle is. I can remember my uncles and aunts well. My mom and dad each had two brothers. I wonder what the children will make of meeting their mom's brother for the first time. The oldest Elaina I believe can grasp what it means meet her uncle. And I wonder what she will make of this experience.
I have been out of the picture in the lives of my nieces, nephew, sister and her husband for years. I am looking forward to having that be behind us all. I am anxiously awaiting the day I get to interact with my sisters kids. I might read them a story or play a game with them. It is my hope that one day we will all know each other well. Just as I feel I know my aunts and uncles.

My Story Untold

I have schizophrenia. One symptom of my illness that I have experienced is delusions of grandeur. I believed myself to have been a world leader when I was a young man. In my mind I had been a guerilla. One who had a tremendous following. I believed I had spoke to capacity crowds at Wembley Stadium. 
I resented my family for not knowing any of this about me. I wanted to share this with them but I didn't know where to begin or how they would take it. I kept my story bottled up. When I did finally try to tell my story at a psychiatric hospital those who I told simply put it in my file and left it at that. I was exiled from the rest of the world.
Try to imagine yourself in my shoes. I had been very successful as a public figure. I had made myself a billionaire. However, I had spent all my money on philanthropy. I was 22 years old and had nothing to show for having done one of the hardest working things anyone had ever undertaken. And no one close to me even knew that this had ever occurred. 
It seems that my parents should have been told the story I had shared with my doctors. I now know that it is not recommended that you try to challenge a patients beliefs or delusions. It can not be so that we just allow these issues to be unresolved until a major crisis results. This is however, exactly what has occurred in my journey to recovery.


Saturday, January 5, 2013

Rhythms and Cycles

I began this blog 6 months ago. At the time I was in the midst of a serious health kick. I had recently quit smoking and I had lost almost 20 pounds. I have always been very physically active. I have been told on several different occasions that I would be a good personal trainer. The weight I lost last spring and summer was in response to having gained a lot of weight while I was in a psychiatric hospital. In that time I gained 40 lbs.
As I said I have always been physically active. I believe that I am one of the few people who could say that they were able to ride a bike 100 miles in a day and at the same time smoke a pack of cigarettes. I have always been much less active during the winter than in spring and summer. Still I am surprised to see that I have not continued with my routine in the last couple of months.
I seemingly get motivated to workout again towards the end of winter. In the years that I was biking. I would go to the gym starting in February and be ready to go by March. I guess this is just my rhythm. I am looking forward to spending time outdoors this next summer. I am sure that I will be very active.

Looking Glass

We all have a looking glass from which we perceive the world and ourselves. It distorts all that we see. This looking glass is a result of our own unique perspective. Our upbringing and experiences influence us all. And there are many widely different views amongst mankind.
My views have been largely influenced by my experience with schizophrenia. I vote mostly based on healthcare issues. I am currently in need of public benefits. I would be devastated if social security or medicaid and medicare were cut back. I am not entirely accepting of views that are very contrary to mine.
There are many people out their who I am sure feel similarly about me as I do them. They do not agree with health care reform. They believe that people like myself should not receive public assistance. Instead they would like to see the government have a smaller footprint.
There are those who are more fortunate and are willing to make sacrifices so that the less fortunate will not suffer. And there are some who do not have much and still would like to see government programs cut back. We are all very different people. The key is for us to come together and live in harmony.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Moving Forward

This morning I had writer's block. I tried a couple different writing ideas. One was to write on my feelings on the possibility that I have a paid position as a peer specialist.In the other of the 2 attempts at writing an article this morning I tried using an affirmation as a writing prompt. I usually can come up with good articles from an affirmation.
I ended up writing an article later that morning. I was not especially pleased with it but I wrote. It is often the act of writing that is important. We have to keep writing even when we are uninspired. This helps us to dig down and write our very best when we are inspired.
Later this afternoon I re-explored the possibility of writing the article of my feelings around my new opportunity. The opportunity being the peer specialist position at the mental health care agency in town. I am very excited to get this chance. However, I am almost sad to say good bye to this time in my life in which I was totally committed to being a writer.
This morning I wrote that I had mixed emotions about turning this page in my life. I thought of my feelings around this subject invalid. After all I will be able to continue writing if I get this job. However, I do not want to deny my feelings. I have loved creating this blog. Naturally as my attention shifts towards something new I will have a little sadness.

Teaching Chess

I am attempting to teach my therapist how to play chess. Michael (my therapist) seems a quick study. This morning we sat down at a cafe for our first over the board lesson. I was surprised to learn that he knew nothing of the game. Not even how the pieces moved.
I had to adjust my teaching to meet his needs. However, after I taught him the basics of the game he seemed to be able to apply everything quite well. He even was able to formulate strategy. This is a very demanding task for someone so unfamiliar to the game.
I think that he and I will develop a strong relationship through the exchange of chess knowledge. I am not all that familiar with having a relationship with a therapist. I have only had two throughout my years of having schizophrenia. I seem to lay it all out there and then work on developing a bond later.
I think therapy is about knowing yourself. Whether it be art therapy, group therapy or individualized therapy you are likely attempting to unearth bits and pieces of yourself. I think I can learn a little about myself from teaching Michael chess; but more importantly we will allow the process of developing a relationship that will be rewarding to take its time.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Treating Ourselves

The first step to being treated well by others is to be kind to ourselves. We must treat ourselves well and know it is what we deserve. It will empower us to determine how we will be treated by others. It is important that we have friends that treat us with respect. And so you must take time to be a happier more nurtured person.
There are many ways to be kind to yourself but it mostly requires honesty. You must see what you need and what will make you happy. You may want to cook your favorite meal or read a book. I think I feel my best when I do something that I will both enjoy and benefit from. A good long hike in the woods is a great example.
We are worth the effort of being kind to ourselves each and every day. It is in believing those words that we can have good fulfilling relationships with people we respect. The people we surround ourselves with can hurt us or help us to be who we are. We can have relationships that are beneficial and this to is something we all deserve.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

It is important to both be able to identify and accept our feelings as well as to not allow them to impede our best judgment. We will often have feelings of anxiety when embarking on something new. At times it may be best to be brave and take on what lay ahead of us. It can also be wise to take heed of what our gut feeling tells us.
I have two recent occasions in which I had a decision which caused me anxiety. I can remember feeling very similarly about each of the two instances but the outcomes were very different. One in which I found that my feelings were not grounded and I decided to do what was brave and go forward. The other I found that it was best to not proceed.
The first of the two recent decisions I had to make was whether or not to move out of my now former group home. I was unsure of if I was going to be able to budget my money after leaving the group home. As that if I had waited longer I would have been able to get into cheaper housing, I partially felt I should wait. I have had troubles with budgeting in times past and did not want to make a similar mistake again.
I took the time I needed to come about to a logical answer to my dilemma. I had talked to those around me about how I felt and this alleviated much of my stress. I think it was when I got a call from my future landlord and was informed that they had a place for me that my feelings changed. I realized the possibility of living on my own was real. I decided to not wait to move out and now am very happy in my new apartment.
The other instance in which I was very anxious about a decision I had to make was around publishing a book. I had the idea of making small books of selected articles from this blog to put up for sale. I wanted the books to be a self sustaining means of promoting the blog. I quickly realized that self-publishing was more costly than I thought. The book would not have ended up being what I originally intended and I decided to not publish.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Lesson of Forgiveness

All people need to have others they can share love with. They may share their love with friends, family or spouses and such. Our relationships with others lift us up when we are down. They spread joy into our very center. Love is the ultimate healer of all emotional distress.
It is my opinion that forgiveness is the ultimate expression of love. We have all been forgiven and also forgiven others. It is challenges that require forgiveness that test emotional bonds. The bonds that weather the storms of betrayal are the ones that will most serve us. These relationships can not be taken for granted.
We will know many people in our lives and touch some on an intimate level. Those whom we become very close to trust us to treat them as we would have them treat ourselves. We can mistakenly forget the responsibility that comes with such a bond. At times we hurt those who we hold most dear. We all have done this in our lives and so we must remember this and learn the lesson of forgiveness. One day we will have to extend this gesture to someone else who is not so different then ourselves.

Healing and Empowerment

The new year has come. This occasion has spurred thought in me as I am sure it has in all of you. I have taken time to reflect on 2012. This past year was without a doubt one of my very best years. I was able in this past year to come to a place of empowerment. I pieced together my broken life.
I had tried and failed to turn my life around in years prior. I had trouble figuring out where to begin in my quest to recovery. I thought for a long time that my recovery would be a matter of effort instead of healing. I was told of the importance of exercise and so I stayed very physically active. I was not fulfilled on a deeply personal level.
I now see recovery differently. I know that we need to get to a place of empowerment to fully recover. This place is where the paths of healing and personal fulfillment converge. Once they converge they manifest into a new life. The pieces of a formerly broken life are reassembled naturally. In my case I nearly stumbled upon this outcome to my recovery.
I came to this place of empowerment from knowing that my experiences had equipped me to be able to help others with similar issues as myself. This will not necessarily be the case of others who have recovered from a mental illness. They can however, take a great deal of confidence and inner strength from having faced adversity.
Healing is a natural function of the human body and mind. It takes time. And so if you do not see a way out of your suffering allow healing to come to you. We do not need to force ourselves to get better. We just need to be able to make the most out of the process of healing and recovery when we are ready.