Fond Farewell

I have now been working on and creating this blog for just over 7 months. And I am deciding it is time to bid a fond farewell. This blog was my very first ever writing project. In fact I hardly would have considered myself a writer at the on-set of this project. Writing the now 252 articles for Breathe has been one of the greatest experiences I have ever come across. I have come to see myself in a new light from emerging as I have through publishing Breathe. I would like to take this time and space of my last article to thank my readers.
You have all given me new hope. Writing has become the cornerstone of my daily activity. And without all of you it would not provide me with the sense of purpose that it has. I can now see how much good can come from the harsh and difficult circumstances that have been thrust upon me. My work as an advocate for others who are mentally ill will continue. And I am not going to stop writing either.
I have 2 local magazines in which I will have columns.They both have on-line locations so those of you that are interested may continue to read my work. The first of these 2 publications I will write for on a semi-annual basis. It may be found on-line at tomorrowsbuilders.org. The other I will be writing for at least once a month and as much as weekly. It may be found on-line at vermontviews.org.
I hope that in addition to this blog and my 2 columns that I will one day write a book. I would have never had enough belief in my own ability to say that I would do anything like writing a book 7 months ago. I owe this blog and all of those who have faithfully read my articles for that. And so I will use the last words that I will publish on this blog to again say thank you and goodbye.

Question of Sexuality

In my adolescence I ran with a fast crowd. In my close circle of friends some of us swore to only having one night stands. I remember stories of friends having sex behind dumpsters. And I myself had a sexual encounter in an alley. I was still even in that time taken back by how sexually inhibited most people were.
Time went on and I began to feel more and more awkward expressing my sexuality. This is as I found more and more that others were more guarded than I had expected. I can remember many occasions in which I expected relationships I had developed to move along more quickly than they had. My preconceived notion of how people would interact sexually was starkly different from what I experienced.
My awkwardness around my sexuality grew over time and was compounded by my symptoms of schizophrenia. In my early 20's I withdrew from the world I lived in. This was largely due to paranoia but may have been in part due to a feeling of separation from myself to my peers. I was by that time in my life very confused about how people interacted with each other. And why I was so different from everyone else.
I have since my early 20's had very few sexual encounters. And I literally have not had one steady girlfriend in that time. I have in a way been cast aside by society. I have come to be just as guarded and inhibited as the people whom I never really understood. I wonder how much we are all alike. And how many others out there can relate to this story. One day I may know how others feel on this matter of sexuality. However, today it is still a question I have that is left unanswered.

My New Cause

This being my 250th blog article I would like to share with you what the process of creating this body of work has taught me. It is that if you are diligent in your effort to share something positive with the world you will create opportunity for yourself. I have not always been one to believe ruling forces in the universe that provide for mankind. And I am still a skeptic anyway. What I do know is that people value and appreciate efforts that are made to serve something greater than we are ourselves.
As a direct result of publishing this blog I have begun speaking publicly. I will speak next in Vermont's capitol to our legislators. And in telling a friend of this event including the subject I intend to speak on my friend's friend gave me a helpful tip. The subject I will speak on is the state of mental healthcare in the corrections system. The tip was of a nation wide magazine that is about prisoners and their cause. I am hopeful my story of going from being incarcerated myself to speaking to legislators will be published. My advocacy work is now just beginning and the best is yet to come. I am sure.

My Dad

I can still remember my first time fishing quite well. My dad took me out one morning to a nearby river. I had asked a short time before to get my first fishing rod. My dad purchased two rods one for him and one for me. I was already an outdoorsy kid and was very interested in wildlife. It was only natural to begin fishing at that time.
We went to the LaMoille river just below the local dam. I cast my bait out and waited and waited. I ended up waiting for hours to get my first bite. I was eager and yet frustrated. And finally all my patience was used up. I cried and said I wanted to go home.
At that time my dad encouraged me to cast my line out just one more time. It was on that cast that I caught my very first fish. It was a hefty small mouth bass. It tugged on my line so hard; I almost couldn't hold on. It was one of the most thrilling experiences I have ever had. It wouldn't have happened if my dad weren't there for me.
That one last cast was all it took. I can think of many times in my life that my dad was there to encourage me to make one more cast. In all my times of doubt and remorse my dad has been there. He has always encouraged and supported me. My recovery would not be possible without him. Thanks dad.

Making A Change

On March 15th I will be in Montpelier to speak to Vermont's legislators about mental illness. I am very excited about this opportunity. I will only have a short 5 minutes to speak. There will however be a luncheon afterwards. I think more importantly than what I will be able to convey in just 5 minutes is that lines of communication will open.
The fact is that Rome wasn't built in a day. And I can not right the course of mental health treatment in just 5 minutes. I will hope that this opportunity will allow me to continue my advocacy work that I have started with this blog. I will look to begin communicating with others who are involved with mental healthcare at the state level.
I will share with these legislators my opinion that to improve the present system we need volunteer services. These services need to be provided to inmates as well as to the homeless and patients at hospitals. We could especially benefit if members of the peer community volunteered their time to help those who are most in need. It is time that we as a community make a change in how mental illness is addressed.

I Was Lost

It was about 1 1/2 years ago now that I was last incarcerated. My freedom was taken away; what was left of my once promising life looked bleak. This would be the third time I was locked up for more than a weekend. There are too many others like me. There are men and women whose ability to make reasonable decisions has been compromised by a mental illness. And they suffer in jail do to these illnesses.
I remember the day that I first felt free again. It had been a little more than a year since I had first been locked up in June of 2011. And I did have some freedom prior. It was however on this day I got to go on my first unsupervised excursion. I left the group home I stayed at and went on an hour long jog. I am not sure I have ever felt better in my life.
I want to be a living example of what can be done with a person who is lost and without hope. I want to show the world that we need not turn our backs to those who suffer as I did. I have turned my life around in just 1 1/2 years. There are many out there who similarly to me can do good in the world. And can make themselves into better people. I want to carry their torch.

My Political Career

I began smoking at the age of 14 or 15. My friends and I would congregate after school at one house each day and smoke. My friends all smoked cigarettes while I smoked my cigars. This time was very important in my self-created delusional world, that I lived in later in life. I believed that at one point this group of adolescents that I associated with received phone calls from Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein. They each were behind our "attempt at greatness."
This perception of us as young men attempting to be great men by congregating to smoke made sense in my delusional world. I perceived all world leaders to have a soft spot for cool people. These world leaders grew up in my world associating with famous entertainers and athletes. and they fashioned themselves as very cool. And so they showered praise on us young men for our rebelliousness.
I was already known for being a smart person amongst the very wealthiest of people. This was in part why we were selected out of all the 14 and 15 year old adolescents to be praised for smoking. It was a big break in my illustrious political career that I had fabricated in my mind. My career was marked by my stance against the presence of weapons of mass destruction. I even held a summit in Burlington, Vermont to argue against WWIII.

Food Budget

I can remember the day like it was yesterday; I was approved for food stamps. I get the maximum benefits, $200. When I learned that I would receive this amount of money for food each month I was ecstatic. At the time I was living in my now former group home. It has now been about 3 months since that day and I am still very grateful for the assistance I receive.
I have had to make some adjustments to my diet since moving into my current apartment. At Meadowview (my former group home) I was provided a salad at every meal as well as healthy snacks. The $200 dollars I get a month is enough thanks in part to the community meals offered in Brattleboro. There is a meal offered each day. However, to afford 2 meals a day for an entire month with only $200 you must spend under $3.50 per meal.
This means eating hot dogs and pasta a little more than I would like to admit. Hot dogs are basically the only meat I can afford to purchase. There will be canned vegetables offered at the food shelf on occasion. These make ramen noodles more appetizing and nutritious. I have found that bananas are very affordable. The organic bananas I buy are less than $1 per pound.
I have been able to manage this circumstance of having a monthly food budget of $200 quite well. And I eat fairly well. There is still much room for improvement in not only meeting my nutritional needs but providing myself with appetizing meals. This is the primary thing that will change as my financial situation improves.

Embracing My Life

You have schizophrenia said the doctor.
I have lived now and since for almost 6 years.
A suicide attempt and incarceration
I have tried many times to leave
this period of my life behind.

I don't know what changed
inside me when I was 14 or 15.
I can't remember the day I became sick.
It was not really an event.
Instead it built up inside me over years.
Schizophrenia is marked by
an inability to tell fact from fiction.

Until not so long ago, since
the age of 22, I believed
I had a rat in my brain.
and also that people were out to harm me.
I put myself in jail so
that I could be safe, more than once.

Over 30% of people that are
incarcerated have or experience
mental illness.
and a similar amount are living on the streets.
The majority of suicides involve
a mental disorder. and
still it is not treated as a life
threatening diagnosis like cancer or hiv.

Years and hospitals later I
feel differently than before.
I feel called to tell my story and
to make a difference. Schizophrenia
affects 1 out of every 100 people
and everyone's lives have some
way been touched by mental illness

I no longer seek to just put this part
of my life in the past.
I try to use the strength it has given me
and just be that much more determined,
live and be happy.
I am embracing my life as a schizophrenic.

Just As I Am

I wonder where I should draw the line between being at peace and being patient or motivating myself. I have had times in my life in which I was very active. I have also had times in which I did very little. It seems now that I am actively moving towards goals I have, but little more. On all counts I appear to be busy. And yet feel so lazy.
I have recently written a proposal to be awarded grant money for a writing group. Vermont Psychiatric Survivors has allotted me $1200 of funding for my writing group. I have also written a cover letter recently for a peer specialist position and will interview fairly soon. This is in addition to doing all the writing I have been for this blog. And I have been actively maintaining a healthy weight.
It seems that I'm doing pretty well to keep moving forward. However, I often go to bed at 7 p.m. and take 2 showers a day. I know I could be doing a lot of things to keep myself busy and yet I just let my time pass. I understand that not having a real job leaves a large chunk of time for me to fill.  I am moving forward towards goals I have set. I want to let go of self-imposed expectations to allow myself to feel good about myself just as I am.

How I Became Homeless

I was 20 years old when I moved to California. I was a ski instructor at the time and wanted to experience the big mountains of the west. It was spring when I made the move. The season was just finishing at my home mountain. The season at Mammoth, where I moved, was still going strong. I skied many days in the warm sunny climate that spring. The experience of skiing that mountain was well worth the wait.
I had tried to move out to Mammoth about a year earlier. I decided on Mammoth as my destination of choice in high school. My decision was mostly based on steepness and length of the ski season. I unfortunately got in a car accident driving back to my parents house. I had gone out to purchase a road map that I would have used to guide me to California. The cost of repairs made it impossible to afford the trip.
The ski season did eventually finish up at Mammoth and I got two jobs working in restaraunts. I had moved out of the employee lodging that I had originally stayed in and got an apartment with a new friend. We spent that entire summer together. We had a season long lease for the place. As the end of the lease was drawing near I began looking for a new apartment. My roommate and I had trouble finding something affordable in this resort town.
My roommate cut his losses at one point and headed back to his parents. The end of the lease was within a week's time and we had found nothing. It wasn't too much longer however, before I did find a place. It was a nice three bedroom apartment with three floors. One was a basement but it was finished and had two bedrooms. The third bedroom was on the top floor. I stayed there and worked until the ski season drew near.
Over the summer and fall I had worked enough to take some time off before the ski season. I decided I would sell my car for some extra money. I first looked into selling it to a dealer but wasn't happy with that offer. It was not very long before one man in town made me an offer. I was going through the Carl's Jr. drive though. The manager asked me if I would give him the car for a large amount of marijuana. I agreed.
The winter was fast approaching I had even begun working at the mountain doing odd jobs for the ski school. I was shampooing the rug in the instructor's locker room and other such things. And I was beginning to sell pot for income. Unfortunately I went into town on my new bicycle that I had purchased. I put some bags of pot in my back pack and headed into town. I was riding along at one point and without my noticing all the bags of pot I had fell out of my back pack and onto the road. I had forgotten to zip up the pocket.
I still had quite a bit of weed left and was as I said working at the mountain. And so I was doing alright. Then I went to a young man in town and asked if he wanted any marijuana. He did and I brought him to my apartment. A few days later I went home to discover that all my pot had been stolen. The amount of work I was getting at the mountain was not enough to pay my rent. And as a result I would spend a portion of that next winter living in a storage unit.

Mired

I look at the age of 22 as a turning point in my life. It was when I became to impaired by schizophrenia to function normally. I still wonder however if this was my first break. Is the on-set of an illness like schizophrenia an event or a process. The nature of schizophrenia lends it's self to a distorted impression of your past. Your delusions and actual experiences intermingle as you act on your false beliefs.
It was when I was 22 that I began studying strategy because I believed I had been a great warrior. I have hard evidence in a collection of books to prove this. However, my memory of my adolescence tells me that I was out spoken about my belief that I would be the next Adolf Hitler. And I know very well that I was looking into becoming a Mensa member; was this a result of delusions of grandeur?
I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia until I was 27 possibly more than 10 years after on-set. I have many questions as to what may or may not have occurred in that time. Central to my delusions were my promiscuity and fighting. I remember myself as a tremendously great fighter which I understand is mostly false if not entirely. I will never know fully well much of how I lived in my early adult hood. It is just too mired by my symptoms of schizophrenia.

My Best Friend

Growing up I had one best friend, Brian. He and I were basically attached at the hip. So much so, that I see his mom as my second mom. We would go back and forth playing at each other's houses virtually every day throughout our childhood. Our parents shared the responsibility of raising us.
My mom and dad met Brian's parents through church. They still go to the same church to this day and are close friends themselves. I'm not sure how old I was when I began playing with Brian. I honestly do not remember very well our not being friends. I do however have many memories of drawing in the back of our church during the sermon. And many other such experiences.
Brian and I were well matched. We were both active getting our hands dirty types of boys. We spent an unimaginable amount of time in the woods behind my house. We also tried digging a hole in my back yard all the way to China. We were best friends most of the way until junior high.
In junior high our interests diverted. He became very invested in soccer. He played in both spring and fall. His closest friends were also soccer players. At this same time I began being less interested in sports and more interested in sewing my wild oats. I smoked pot heavily and was up to no good most of the time. Brian and I despite going our separate ways remained friends.
Brian went on to play college soccer and I began teaching skiing. We hung out together still. And at times were pretty close. We were especially good friends for a while when he lived in my neighborhood. I believe the last time I saw him was at his kid sister's wedding. I also got to meet his wife and kid.

Over The Horizon

I did seasonal work as a ski instructor as a young adult. I liked the work but was always looking for new off-season jobs in the spring. If I had been a little more forward thinking I would have learned a trade for the off season. I didn't and so I went from job to job to job. This lasted until I was too consumed by mental illness to continue working.
The years of not keeping steady work were further perpetuated by my illness. I have gaps in my work history that can be attributed to my dealing with schizophrenia. I had prior to becoming ill been fired from a number of jobs. Lastly, I had been in trouble with the law. All in all I wasn't hopeful of what was over the horizon.
A year or two after I had been diagnosed I began studying chess. I was really interested in the game and had all the time in the world to study. I was desperate to have a means of supporting myself that would be stimulating. And I thought that if I devoted myself to studying chess I could possibly do well. I had even read that a person could potentially reach master level after 3 years of study.
I had no idea at that time what I would eventually do with myself. I hadn't had anyone tell me that I could be a speaker or a writer. I myself didn't know that this type of opportunity would be out there. And I wonder why professionals that I worked with didn't see this as something to encourage me to do. I am not getting any real income from what I do as of yet. I am however, happy with myself. I am now hopeful of what is over the horizon.

Looking Back

I remember when I was in Miami I stayed at a hostel. I was there at the hostel for about a month. It was located right on the strip that ran along side the beach. In this location I was able to soak in all the glitz and glamor of the big city. I was immersed in all the goings on of the beach. I grew up in rural Vermont and this experience really opened my eyes.
I met some people while I was in Miami. There was a couple that I hung out with often for a short time. They were living together without a home. Each of them had dropped out of high school to go out on their own. We shared sandwiches one time. I had purchased some bread and ham at the store and shared it with them. At one point I stopped seeing them around. The young man had said he was going to move in with his grand mother. I hoped this is what happened.
My experience in Miami was far from positive. It served to be a set back at the time. I see myself now and how far I have come. I wonder how much I owe the positive change in my life to the set backs I've experienced. I feel great about what I am doing now. And would not trade any bit of it if it meant that I would not arrive where I currently am. I hope that the young couple I met in Miami can look back on their experience of living on the streets in Miami positively too.

Trip To Kentucky

I will be heading back home later this morning. The trip here to Kentucky to see my sister and her family was great. I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with the kids. The best part of the trip however, was seeing my folks with their grand children. I hadn't seen my parents so happy in a long time.
I think this occasion was quite special for mom and dad. The family hadn't gotten together for many years. I hadn't even spoken to my sister for a long time. It was my Christmas wish to go see my sister and her family this year. And my folks thanked me last night for getting us all back together.
I was also happy to be able to teach my sister's oldest how to play chess. She seemed interested in playing the game. She and I are going to begin playing on-line. I really wanted to be able the share what I know about the game with my sister's kids. It makes me happy to play a role in the kids lives.

We All Can Recover

As a person who has recovered from schizophrenia I can understand how a person's mind can deceive them. The truth is that our minds have a remarkable amount of control over what and how we perceive ourselves and our world. I have had many beliefs that I now know are not true. And I wonder sometimes what I could have possibly been thinking.
I once believed that I had swam out into Lake Champlain and captured Champ (a local sea monster) with a rope. I hauled Champ back to the shore and burned it with gasoline. I remember telling people that some locals had killed our local legend. Although I had killed champ in broad daylight it was far from being a well known fact.
Its hard to say how are minds can have us believe such things as that. I was however locked into a frightening reality. This reality was as real to me as it is far fetched that I could have ever captured Champ with a rope. I suffered terribly from my bout with schizophrenia. I have recovered.
The point is that remarkable and miraculous things can happen. They can happen rather abruptly. I let go of all my beliefs at one specific moment in time. My life was changed. I moved past being afflicted by a mental illness to being a person who had a bright future. We all can change and we all can recover.

Lost Time

I'm in Kentucky visiting my sister and her family. She has two daughters and a son. I've had a great time playing with the kids. They have a playground directly behind their house. My folks and I went back there with the 3 kids while my sister and her husband were at the "range." I especially enjoyed seeing how Elaina the oldest interacted with other kids.
The two girls were a little shy when I first showed up but have warmed up to me now. They are 5 and 7 years old. This is my very first visit to see them. Schizophrenia caused me to be absent in the lives of my sister and her family for all those years. It is just one thing that I have missed out on in the last 10 years because of my illness.
I am recovered now and am living far better than I have in many years. I am dedicating my life to seeing that others benefit from my experience with this horrible illness. I am just beginning my advocacy work with this blog. I have already begun speaking and may start in a peer position at my local agency soon. I have many years ahead of me and will make use of every one of them.

Change From Within

I believe it is a peer specialist's role to bridge the gap between treatment team and patient. We as peers are able to see the more human characteristics of a person's experience with a mental illness. It is my goal to provide my readers with an identifiable and yet inspiring voice.
I have had the privilege of working with peers myself. And I found them to be very helpful. My writing is influenced by this experience. I can remember one of the peers telling me to be mostly positive in telling your story. The stories each of the peers I have worked with helped me to be hopeful that I could recover. And the presence of these people who were leading full and rewarding lives was an inspiration.
I hope to bring about positive change not only as a writer. There is much room for improvement in the mental health system. I believe positive change can only come from within. It will be a matter of opening lines of communication between doctors and policy makers with sufferers of these illnesses. We can not however bring about the changes we want to see simply from pointing our finger. As they say we must ourselves be the change we want to see in the world.

Making A Difference

One of the primary symptoms of schizophrenia that I have experienced was a decreased ability to tell reality from fantasy. I had an entire alternate reality that I had created. It was just as in depth and extensive as my true reality. I'm not sure where or when this belief in a false reality began. What I don know is that media would influence my perception of my existence. I believed that movies and songs were made about me. I remember very specifically thinking the movie Fight Club was about me. The relationship between the man and woman in that movie represented the relationship I believed I had with Madonna.
I had quite a few famous friends. I was an artist in this self created reality. And I associated largely with other artists. Madonna was one of my very closest friends. I even believed she had at one time asked me to marry her. I chose not to because it would have derailed my military career. All of the famous artists I knew regarded me highly. I sang and wrote music as well as paint. And that was not all. I had taught myself how to play the drums, violin, trumpet and guitar. I taught myself how to paint and I think the only art I had any instruction is was martial arts.
My life as an artist culminated when I went out on tour. I called this tour I did when I was 21 the Blast Tour. I traveled around the country playing music. I remember that I had promoted the tour and then at the last minute decided not to do it. A few of the attendees of my first show came to my  home and picked me up. They brought me out to the event and the tour began. The tour was a great success. I made exactly as much money as I had intended to. I think it was $50,000. I also won a grammy award that year.
It was hard for me to see that this had never happened. And although I did have doubts at times I clung to this belief. I did eventually realize that I had been delusional. I have since been doing far better as a person both professionally and socially than I had for about 10 years. Its hard to have lost so much time to a twisted reality caused by a mental illness. I in part grieve the loss of those years. I am however empowered by this horrible experience as well. I know there are many out there who are walking in the same shoes I did. It is my mission to make a difference in those people's lives.