In my hardest times I believed I could or likely would be tortured. The delusions of schizophrenia even led me to believe that I could not even escape this through suicide. This was because I thought certain people had the power to bring others back to life. I believed if I committed suicide I would be brought back to life only to be tortured.
I believed people had other powers as well. I thought I myself could travel through time and fly. I used my ability to go back in time to teach Adolf Hitler, Napolean Bonaparte and Miyamoto Musashi how to be great warriors. My power of flight was not so reliable. My times that I did fly were infrequent; and I could not predict when or where this ability would be available.
I look back now at how far gone my mind was and wonder how I've come so far. My recovery is in my mind truly astonishing. I now have a grip on reality a mighty step in its own right. I am also now a published writer. This is without the benefit of a college degree. I say this because I want others to know that they do have something to hope for. I want my writing to be evidence that recovery is possible.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Taking A Day Off
I took the day off from writing yesterday. I can be hard on myself at times. Yesterday I made a point in reminding myself that my work on the blog is good and that it helps people. I feel renewed today. The time off was well spent.
Today I am reminded that writing isn't a competition. I believe the challenge in writing is to feel free to express yourself as you are. It is this way that you will write well. I tend to be just a bit focused on relevant matters in my writing. Writing at its best is mutually beneficial to the reader and writer.
I have in writing this blog healed myself. I was until I began publishing this blog a very private person. I would be described as reserved. I rarely expressed to anyone how I felt or personal issues. I suffered from bottling up all my heat ache and it manifested its self negatively.
I've shared many stories on this blog that previously I had kept secret. I have a deeper more open relationship with my family as they read all of my articles. They know better what my experiences have been, with mental illness and otherwise. It was very important that I get out all that I have.
I want to comment in closing on a recent article I wrote. I mentioned in this article that I wanted to not get complacent. I was referring to writing for this blog as not quite demanding as much from me as I wanted. I still have mixed feelings about this. I do feel good about what I am doing as I said at the beginning of this article. I also feel I could take on more.
I will try to have all my work from this blog published into a book in 6 months. I have a friend in publishing and I'm 99% sure I will get this done. After that 6 months I am going to try to get a job. I will ideally work as a peer specialist. I believe that having a book published will add tremendously to my credibility. Thereby improving my chances of finding my desired work.
Today I am reminded that writing isn't a competition. I believe the challenge in writing is to feel free to express yourself as you are. It is this way that you will write well. I tend to be just a bit focused on relevant matters in my writing. Writing at its best is mutually beneficial to the reader and writer.
I have in writing this blog healed myself. I was until I began publishing this blog a very private person. I would be described as reserved. I rarely expressed to anyone how I felt or personal issues. I suffered from bottling up all my heat ache and it manifested its self negatively.
I've shared many stories on this blog that previously I had kept secret. I have a deeper more open relationship with my family as they read all of my articles. They know better what my experiences have been, with mental illness and otherwise. It was very important that I get out all that I have.
I want to comment in closing on a recent article I wrote. I mentioned in this article that I wanted to not get complacent. I was referring to writing for this blog as not quite demanding as much from me as I wanted. I still have mixed feelings about this. I do feel good about what I am doing as I said at the beginning of this article. I also feel I could take on more.
I will try to have all my work from this blog published into a book in 6 months. I have a friend in publishing and I'm 99% sure I will get this done. After that 6 months I am going to try to get a job. I will ideally work as a peer specialist. I believe that having a book published will add tremendously to my credibility. Thereby improving my chances of finding my desired work.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Chip On My Shoulder
I was at one time admitted to a hospital in Rutland, VT. In the admission I told a worker that I had been a Marine Corps general since the age of 14. This was the first time I had told anyone this. In my stay the doctors did not really ask me much of my experience as a general. At one point I mentioned to my case manager that I had had a stressful life. She responded as if I never mentioned that I had been a general; and expressed she did not understand what my sources of stress may be. I felt estranged from my treatment.
I was discharged without the doctors having any idea of my circumstances or why I even admitted myself in the first place. I first went to the hospital in a time that I was otherwise considering getting put in jail. In the discharge meeting my case manager said that she and the doctor understood that I thought I needed to be punished for being a war criminal. They believed that the reason I wanted to be in jail was because I believed I should be punished. It was instead because I didn't feel safe.
I think one of the most difficult things in having a mental illness is dealing with inadequate treatment. It seems as though health care professionals have not a clue about how a person is to recover from a mental illness. This is in part due to sciences lack of understanding of the mind and psychology. It is also in part that often these health care professionals do not know the individual patients from a whole in the wall.
It's o.k. to have some bitterness about the treatment you've received. It is better to be angry than indifferent. It means you have processed much of your journey in recovery. I think a person who feels angry will also identify with their diagnosis. Leaving behind denial brings with it mixed emotions. As you begin to feel as though you understand what you are going through you'll perceive your past experiences in recovery more clearly. You'll know how things could have been dealt with better.
I feel motivated by my anger. I would not write this blog if I thought all the treatment I received was beneficial to me. I feel proud that in spite of all the short comings of the health care provided to me that I have prevailed. I feel lucky that I eventually did get the attention I needed. Go out there into the world with a chip on you shoulder. Let it be your inspiration.
I was discharged without the doctors having any idea of my circumstances or why I even admitted myself in the first place. I first went to the hospital in a time that I was otherwise considering getting put in jail. In the discharge meeting my case manager said that she and the doctor understood that I thought I needed to be punished for being a war criminal. They believed that the reason I wanted to be in jail was because I believed I should be punished. It was instead because I didn't feel safe.
I think one of the most difficult things in having a mental illness is dealing with inadequate treatment. It seems as though health care professionals have not a clue about how a person is to recover from a mental illness. This is in part due to sciences lack of understanding of the mind and psychology. It is also in part that often these health care professionals do not know the individual patients from a whole in the wall.
It's o.k. to have some bitterness about the treatment you've received. It is better to be angry than indifferent. It means you have processed much of your journey in recovery. I think a person who feels angry will also identify with their diagnosis. Leaving behind denial brings with it mixed emotions. As you begin to feel as though you understand what you are going through you'll perceive your past experiences in recovery more clearly. You'll know how things could have been dealt with better.
I feel motivated by my anger. I would not write this blog if I thought all the treatment I received was beneficial to me. I feel proud that in spite of all the short comings of the health care provided to me that I have prevailed. I feel lucky that I eventually did get the attention I needed. Go out there into the world with a chip on you shoulder. Let it be your inspiration.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Making Friends
I have had an all around good day today. I've been active. My activities of the day include writing an article I'm proud of earlier this morning and going to a support group. I've not lost a game of chess yet today. I believe most importantly I have made a new friend.
I always like meeting new people, especially when they're interesting. I have made a few friendships with people since moving into my new apartment. Today I met a girl, she and I played a game of chess together. She seems smart and is new to town.
I was able to talk with her while we waited for a chess set to be available for use. I told her of the local chess club. She told me that she is an art curator. I was glad to be able to help her with getting to know the Brattleboro community. I believe that we could be good friends.
I always like meeting new people, especially when they're interesting. I have made a few friendships with people since moving into my new apartment. Today I met a girl, she and I played a game of chess together. She seems smart and is new to town.
I was able to talk with her while we waited for a chess set to be available for use. I told her of the local chess club. She told me that she is an art curator. I was glad to be able to help her with getting to know the Brattleboro community. I believe that we could be good friends.
March On
It's easy sometimes to just continue doing as we already are. We become comfortable with our lives as we know them and fail to see we must continue to move forward. Complacence is the enemy of passion. We have to continually put one foot in front of the other. This may sometimes be in spite of the fact that we like our current mode of living.
I recently left my former group home. That brought with it new possibilities and experiences. I gained new perspective in taking on this challenge. I now feel I'm well adjusted to my living circumstances. It is time for me to look for new opportunities. I must march on.
I would like to work as a peer specialist. I have already volunteered as a peer specialist facilitating fitness groups. I have also applied to receive funding for a writing group. This would as well be volunteer work. I would like to one day work full time as a peer specialist on a paid basis.
The idea of having a full time position is bitter sweet. It would be great to have a good job. I will however, miss being able to remain focused on writing. Publishing this blog has been a wonderful experience that I will always treasure. I think that I would one day return to writing and have even greater stories and lessons to share from having taken on the new challenges I face today.
I recently left my former group home. That brought with it new possibilities and experiences. I gained new perspective in taking on this challenge. I now feel I'm well adjusted to my living circumstances. It is time for me to look for new opportunities. I must march on.
I would like to work as a peer specialist. I have already volunteered as a peer specialist facilitating fitness groups. I have also applied to receive funding for a writing group. This would as well be volunteer work. I would like to one day work full time as a peer specialist on a paid basis.
The idea of having a full time position is bitter sweet. It would be great to have a good job. I will however, miss being able to remain focused on writing. Publishing this blog has been a wonderful experience that I will always treasure. I think that I would one day return to writing and have even greater stories and lessons to share from having taken on the new challenges I face today.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Distant Rose
distant rose
so pure, so lovely
you hold such great majesty
as you alone
have me travel so far
i want to witness your beauty
distant rose
one day we will meet
i will kneel before you
and waft your fragrance in my face
it is not without you
that my purpose and life are one
distant rose
i pulse and breathe
that one day you'll be close at hand
i know not what i seek but you
you guide me
distant rose
to breathe you in
is all i care to do
to know your beauty
i will not be discouraged
that we will one day meet
distant rose
you make me whole
it is your beauty and fragrance
i can't be without
even from afar
you call to me
as if i were meant to know you
distant rose
you are my heart and my soul
i march on
to know you in all your glory
and so you can live on through me
so pure, so lovely
you hold such great majesty
as you alone
have me travel so far
i want to witness your beauty
distant rose
one day we will meet
i will kneel before you
and waft your fragrance in my face
it is not without you
that my purpose and life are one
distant rose
i pulse and breathe
that one day you'll be close at hand
i know not what i seek but you
you guide me
distant rose
to breathe you in
is all i care to do
to know your beauty
i will not be discouraged
that we will one day meet
distant rose
you make me whole
it is your beauty and fragrance
i can't be without
even from afar
you call to me
as if i were meant to know you
distant rose
you are my heart and my soul
i march on
to know you in all your glory
and so you can live on through me
Chosen to Believe
Belief is a powerful component of the recovery process. We must choose to believe that our lives can be fruitful and rewarding. I say we must choose to believe because it is often a difficult choice to make. It takes patience and determination to have belief when times are hard.
I have had many instances in my recovery in which it would have been easy to give up. It seemed as though I could do nothing right. There was at best only the slightest belief that one day all would be better. I chose to hold on to what belief I had. I needed help holding on to it at times. I may have needed to be hospitalized to be safe or just receive words of encouragement.
I have now made my life better. I believe that there is still much for me to do. I now know I have what it takes to accomplish great things. I have taken a terrible affliction (schizophrenia) and turned it into a positive. My recovery has taught me that I am resilient and courageous. These qualities will serve me in the future just as they have in the past. I have chosen to believe.
I have had many instances in my recovery in which it would have been easy to give up. It seemed as though I could do nothing right. There was at best only the slightest belief that one day all would be better. I chose to hold on to what belief I had. I needed help holding on to it at times. I may have needed to be hospitalized to be safe or just receive words of encouragement.
I have now made my life better. I believe that there is still much for me to do. I now know I have what it takes to accomplish great things. I have taken a terrible affliction (schizophrenia) and turned it into a positive. My recovery has taught me that I am resilient and courageous. These qualities will serve me in the future just as they have in the past. I have chosen to believe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)