Chip On My Shoulder

I was at one time admitted to a hospital in Rutland, VT. In the admission I told a worker that I had been a Marine Corps general since the age of 14. This was the first time I had told anyone this. In my stay the doctors did not really ask me much of my experience as a general. At one point I mentioned to my case manager that I had had a stressful life. She responded as if I never mentioned that I had been a general; and expressed she did not understand what my sources of stress may be. I felt estranged from my treatment.
I was discharged without the doctors having any idea of my circumstances or why I even admitted myself in the first place. I first went to the hospital in a time that I was otherwise considering getting put in jail. In the discharge meeting my case manager said that she and the doctor understood that I thought I needed to be punished for being a war criminal. They believed that the reason I wanted to be in jail was because I believed I should be punished. It was instead because I didn't feel safe.
I think one of the most difficult things in having a mental illness is dealing with inadequate treatment. It seems as though health care professionals have not a clue about how a person is to recover from a mental illness. This is in part due to sciences lack of understanding of the mind and psychology. It is also in part that often these health care professionals do not know the individual patients from a whole in the wall.
It's o.k. to have some bitterness about the treatment you've received. It is better to be angry than indifferent. It means you have processed much of your journey in recovery. I think a person who feels angry will also identify with their diagnosis. Leaving behind denial brings with it mixed emotions. As you begin to feel as though you understand what you are going through you'll perceive your past experiences in recovery more clearly. You'll know how things could have been dealt with better.
I feel motivated by my anger. I would not write this blog if I thought all the treatment I received was beneficial to me. I feel proud that in spite of all the short comings of the health care provided to me that I have prevailed. I feel lucky that I eventually did get the attention I needed. Go out there into the world with a chip on you shoulder. Let it be your inspiration.