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Monday, February 4, 2013

Question of Sexuality

In my adolescence I ran with a fast crowd. In my close circle of friends some of us swore to only having one night stands. I remember stories of friends having sex behind dumpsters. And I myself had a sexual encounter in an alley. I was still even in that time taken back by how sexually inhibited most people were.
Time went on and I began to feel more and more awkward expressing my sexuality. This is as I found more and more that others were more guarded than I had expected. I can remember many occasions in which I expected relationships I had developed to move along more quickly than they had. My preconceived notion of how people would interact sexually was starkly different from what I experienced.
My awkwardness around my sexuality grew over time and was compounded by my symptoms of schizophrenia. In my early 20's I withdrew from the world I lived in. This was largely due to paranoia but may have been in part due to a feeling of separation from myself to my peers. I was by that time in my life very confused about how people interacted with each other. And why I was so different from everyone else.
I have since my early 20's had very few sexual encounters. And I literally have not had one steady girlfriend in that time. I have in a way been cast aside by society. I have come to be just as guarded and inhibited as the people whom I never really understood. I wonder how much we are all alike. And how many others out there can relate to this story. One day I may know how others feel on this matter of sexuality. However, today it is still a question I have that is left unanswered.

1 comment:

  1. I once talked with a woman who wanted to know when it becomes sexual. It's a hard thing to explain. The warning lights should go on when it feels sexual. I guess she wasn't equipped. Even a glance could be the warning light & you don't have to respond. Nothing is required if it's casual.