Monday, December 31, 2012

Life Worth Living

I did not choose to have schizophrenia. It instead has been thrust upon me. This illness has taken years from my life. All from my early twenties until recently I've been in recovery. Whether I was in a hospital, jail, group home or at my parents I was living a "partial life." As opposed to a full and happy life mine was mired by adversity by illness.
The difficult part of having an illness like schizophrenia is that no one can give you the answers to your questions. They can nudge you to go out and find the answers yourself; it is still you who must come to terms with who you are and the circumstances that you have encountered.
The answers I've found include the realization and acceptance of my symptoms. It is however, the case that many answers I have come to find came through growth and personal fulfillment. The type of growth that can only come from facing adversity holds many answers. Schizophrenia mostly has taught me to never give up.
There was one question answered that made me know I could never give up. That was that my life was worth the effort needed to recover from my illness. Learning this lesson has given me new life. I now see the challenges in my life at face value. I know my life is well worth the effort of overcoming any obstacle.

The Ego and The Critic

Yesterday I was unhappy with 2 pieces of writing I tried to put together. One was a poem. It was the first of the 2. I intended to write the poem about a couple of boys; one who hated the rain and the other who didn't mind. The rain was meant to be symbolic of typical trials and tribulations of life. I stopped to re-read the poem shortly after I began and didn't like it. I decided to give up on it and return later.
The other of the 2 pieces I worked on yesterday was on not judging ourselves unfairly. It was to be an article for this blog. I intended to point out that I would not judge another person by their appearance or social standing. As in my experience I have met many people of whom I was taken back when I got to know them. They seemingly did not fit the perception I would have thought they would.
The lesson of not judging a book by its cover is one I believe we are all familiar with. However, many of us, myself included, judge ourselves by this unfair standard. I attach much of my self worth to what I am doing. I can sometimes see myself as lazy even though I would not make this asessment of another person.
This second piece of writing did not seem to meet my standards either. It was getting to be a little later in the morning by this time. I had taken time to do some reading in addition to the writing I had done. I had also poked around town more than once. I had plans for the afternoon to go on a hike and do some laundry. I thought to wait until after the community meal to spread out my activities throughout the day.
I unfortunately and somewhat ironically fell into a late morning slump. I say ironically because just as I was attempting to get across in the article of not judging yourself unfairly, I was down on myself. The feelings I was experiencing peaked at the noon hour. I chose to just lay down and pull my wool hat over my eyes.
I actually fell asleep which I often will not do when I lay down. I woke up at about 2:00 p.m. and felt great. I immediately wrote not caring how my work came out. I just kept my pen moving and was relieved to get my feelings down on paper. What I wrote became a rough draft for this article. After I wrote I did my laundry and carried on throughout the rest of the day.
This morning I looked back on what I wrote yesterday and can see it is not so bad. I even like the opening to the poem I started. There are parts of my article on self-criticism in this piece you are reading. What seemed to be insufficient at the time now appears much differently. I had to take time away from tasks I put in front of me to change my frame of mind. When I did it felt good to write. And I liked what I had written too. I just had to let go.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Balance and Individuality

I am a task oriented person. It pleases me very much to complete something. In fact I believe that I could stand a little better by being more comfortable with myself. I mean that in times that I do not necessarily need to get anything done I could enjoy just relaxing. If I were to listen to music or read any non-fiction it would be great. It is just a matter of finding a good healthy balance that makes each of us happy.
We need at times to really drag ourselves out of bed to take on the days responsibilities. Life isn't all work however. It is important to be kind to ourselves. While we feel good about ourselves to be independent and responsible we also need to take each day at face value. As opposed to being caught up in the past or the future.
I say to know yourself well. It is important that we not try to fit ourselves into another person's mold. I know myself that I am most happy to be active and productive. And so I make an effort to be these things. I will sometimes force myself to do things that I don't necessarily feel like doing. I always feel great when it is done. There are many who fit a different mold than I. This does not make them any better or worse. We are all called upon differently and our lives should be lived accordingly.

Friday, December 28, 2012

2013

Now that Christmas is behind us we can look towards the new year. I believe that for me this new year will mark a new beginning. It will be my first year as a  fully recovered schizophrenic. I have done a lot of work on my recovery and as a result can focus my efforts in this new year on being happy and fulfilled.
I have a new lot on life. I think there are going to be many positive experiences in 2013. And although 2012 has definitely been a banner year there is still room for improvement. In my attempt at making 2013 maybe my best year yet I will seek to continue doing what has worked for me in 2012. I will first and foremost continue writing.
I will in 2013 be able to shift my attention away from coping with schizophrenia to flourishing as a writer, peer, advocate and citizen. In 2013 I will begin speaking publicly which has always been a dream of mine. My first speaking event is already scheduled for January 16th. I am also going to take time to be with friends and family in 2013.
I have learned a lot in my journey to recovery. The most important lesson I've learned is to not take things for granted. This means to me to live each moment as with reverence. It is when we learn to see what we have as a gift and privilege that we will not allow all that life presents its self to be to pass us by.

Live And Be Happy

I have had many experiences in my life. I have traveled to numerous places and had all kinds of work. In all my adventures I have continued to forge a deeper awareness of self. I have come to understand how I work, what motivates me and what gives me pleasure or enjoyment. Whether it be from mistakes or triumphs I have come to know myself.
I believe we must do many wrong things to see the opportunity presented when the right thing comes our way. Whether it be the existence of a guiding force that permeates all humanity or something more intrinsic. When we deviate from our purpose we are pulled even harder towards personal fulfillment. It is as if there were a rubber band tied to both our souls and to our destiny. When we neglect our soul when we deviate from our path this rubber band becomes taught.
It is this way that we are guided towards personal fulfillment. We do not necessarily live to attain personal fulfillment. We can tug to hard at the rubber band if we do not nourish our souls. If we choose to ignore the voice inside us that tells us what we are doing is right or wrong the rubber band can even snap.
If we are both patient and hopeful we can live with purpose. We need to grow and learn through life experience first. This way we will know and understand what draws us in allowing us to flourish and be happy. We can know how far to stretch the rubber band as well. As we likely will not live in a linear fashion we may need to temporarily stray from our intended purpose. If we know ourselves well enough and we nourish our souls we will return to what we are compelled to do. We will live and be happy.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Great Escape

I went snow shoeing this afternoon. I enjoyed taking in the wintery mountain landscape very much. The storm that has past through (Euclid) has dropped nearly 10 inches of snow. Trees bowed under the weight of the heavy snow. I even had to duck the branches that hung over the trail I was hiking.
Out on the mountainside I enjoyed the peacefulness of the wilderness. I was by myself so I had nothing to distract me from the surroundings. I was totally immersed. I had thoughts of times past spent on mountainsides in the winter. And I thought of all that has transpired since the days when I was a skier. The time I took for the hike provided a great escape.
I realize that in the years since I left skiing much has not changed. There is still nothing more peaceful than being in the woods during winter. I have myself not changed in many ways. I am at my root still the same person I have ever been. It seems to me that as we grow we whittle away at our negative characteristics and yet never get rid of them all together. We do in the process allow for our better attributes to flourish. We can not change who we are we can only change how enact ourselves in our lives, communities and relationships.

Honesty and Assertiveness

We have to practice honesty and assertiveness. When someone asks something of us we feel we shouldn't do we can say no. We can also express frustrations we have with others. An important lesson I have learned is to not bottle everything up. In the past I have been very passive in regards to sharing my feelings or expressing anger.
We are often reprimanded or punished for expressing anger when we are children. And many of us learn as we grow up to hide our emotions. It can be difficult to comfortably express to others how we truly feel. However, the benefits of openness, assertiveness and honesty are plenty.
In practicing honesty and assertiveness we learn to accept much of what we may otherwise push down deep inside. When we feel like we are free to express ourselves to others we will see that most often we will not be judged for doing so. In fact we may often even receive positive reinforcement for our honesty. In turn we will learn to be honest with ourselves.
In a person's journey to recovery they should learn to be assertive. A person already burdened with a mental illness really should not bear the weight of emotional exile. We don't always need to please everybody. And if we can take time to consider our own best interests and wishes we can be happier with ourselves. We may even become more confident.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Glad To Be Home

Its good to be home. I now call Brattleboro my home. When I strolled in on the downtown area today I felt really good. It was nice to visit my  folks in the town where I grew up. I am however very happy to be back.
Brattleboro offers more social engagement for me than the town I grew up in. It is still small enough to have an intimate and familiar community. In town I have chess friends and writer friends. I have some friends that are just friends. I have lived here in Brattleboro for over a year now.
Staying here in this community is a priority for me. It ranks above getting work as a peer specialist. Working as a peer is my ideal occupation. And even still I feel I must stay in Brattleboro at least for now. I'm doing really well dealing with my illness right now. Living in a community that fits me well is definitely an attributing factor.

Holding My Head High

I'm getting to be more and more open with people in my community about my experiences with schizophrenia. On occasion someone will ask me what I do for work or what brought me to Brattleboro. Each of these questions can easily lead into my disclosing that I have schizophrenia.
In times past when I was asked what brought me to Brattleboro, I would say I had friends in town. If someone asked me what type of work I was looking for I would say whatever I can get. I am really working on developing a career as a peer specialist. I wouldn't say that because I was unsure of what people would think of me given my circumstances.
Stigma by definition is a mark of disgrace a stain or defect, degeneration or disease. Having a disability is no mark of disgrace of defect. We do not need to see our illness as something to hide. It is often much easier to see good character in another person than it is in ourselves. Those whom you interact with will more often than not see the good character in you as you share your story. They will know that you are courageous to carry on despite your circumstances.
As I said earlier I'm getting to be more open about my experiences with schizophrenia. I have come to a place of inner knowing. I am able to see now that I'm not responsible for my circumstances. I understand my illness and know that I'm not lazy. I finally know that I can hold my head up high. I have come a long way down a rocky and narrow path.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Beautiful Perspective

It is my hope that my writing offer a positive perspective on mental illness. I want all my readers to know that I am happy. My life isn't perfect. I'm impoverished and without a significant other. Nobody's life is perfect. I feel blessed to be living just as I am.
I have friends and family with whom I share my struggles and triumphs. I love the work I am doing as a writer. My life isn't necessarily easy. I have times that I'm down. I want to get across that I don't believe a good life and an easy life are necessarily the same. It is sometimes those who were most challenged by life that have the most beautiful perspective.


Merry Christmas

I have many fond memories of Christmas' gone by. I can remember the times we traveled off to my grandparent's in Long Island. I even remember some Christmas' spent at my great grandmother's. There are a few gifts I've received that stick out in my mind. My mom's dad bought me a tool box when I was very young. I remember that well. I remember my family's tradition of having a designated Santa to distribute gifts every year.
It seems with every passing year I come to view this season a little differently. As a kid I always eagerly awaited receiving presents Christmas morning. As I grew into being an adult the idea of gift giving was foremost in my perception of this holiday. It's not the gifts we remember best from this time of year. And I now see that Christmas is about forging stronger relationships with those who love you most. Merry Christmas everyone.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Whisper Wind

here I sit, whisper wind
tell me your story
beginning to end
how far you've come
and all the places you've been

here I'll stay, I'll sit, I'll listen
as the day will pass
and nightfall settle in
I will not move or make noise
I will just sit
maintaining patience, maintaining poise

little by little
your wise words sneak in
I unconsciously know the message you teach
before you even begin
but I want to hear your voice
be present and hear your speech

from the dawn of day
to fading evening light
you can speak to me softly
or with all of your might

your message may be clear
believe that I am sincere
when I say
you are the reason I sit  here
all day and all night

Sunday, December 23, 2012

WOW 200!

I have now published 200 articles. I had no idea I had all that inside me when I began. In the process of writing all that I have in the last 6 months I have learned quite a bit. I learned about all the matters and subjects I have researched. I've also learned quite a bit on how to write. However, most importantly I've learned that I have something to say.
This something I have inside me brings some people to this blog on a daily basis. It is something that people have told me makes a difference in their lives. I am happy to have discovered my voice; it pleases me very much to share with all of you my story of recovery.

Answers Within

In my younger years I set out to be a ski instructor. There are positions within the ski industry that ski instructors fill that are quite profitable. If you are dedicated you could make a good life for yourself teaching skiing. I eventually walked away from skiing. I didn't leave teaching skiing because I was switching careers. I left due to my bout with schizophrenia.
It has now been 10 years since I left teaching. I have traveled far and wide to put all the challenges of dealing with schizophrenia behind me. I've been to Castleton, VT. I lived in a group home there for over 2 years. Just prior to leaving Castleton I went all the way out to Colorado. In Colorado I learned a new trade. Having this under my belt I was able to get a job in Miami, Fl.
In going to these places and doing all that I have I have learned something. I've learned that I am unique. As I am unique I will never find what I need to recover from schizophrenia from going to far off places. However, in all these travels I discovered little by little what I have to offer the world. I know what I need to be happy and I understand my own needs in general much better than if I hadn't ventured out on this journey.
In the end the big questions we all have have answers that can only come from within. We need to open our eyes to see how we can take part in our lives so that we can be happy. We need to see what is rewarding to us and also know what is harmful. If we overlook what is available to us from within we will not be able to nourish our souls. And without nourishment much of what can bring us joy in life will slip away. The battle of the good and bad within us can be won if we know ourselves and recognize our unique and wonderful gifts.

Breaking The Mold

I can remember a time when I lived each day begrudgingly dealing with schizophrenia. I would wait in anticipation of when I could go to sleep. Each night my life would disappear. I had little else that I looked forward to. I could not have conceived living a more inspired and purposeful life from having experiences with schizophrenia. This is now my reality.
I am living each day like it is a new day. I'm looking forward to getting up each morning instead of going to bed each night. I love what I do. It was a long road to get here but it was worth while. I am happy that I not only have made a recovery but am making a new life for myself.
I have had help getting to this place in my life. I believe a turning point for me was when Liz told me she thought I would make a good peer specialist. Liz is the peer coordinator at my former group home (Meadowview.) She said it once and I thought little of it. She said it again and I stopped and thought about it. She encouraged me to pursue this type of career.
I am now trying to develop a career as a peer specialist. I am currently writing as my primary peer mentoring work. I am also a speaker. This is not exactly what I believe Liz envisioned when she told me to pursue this career. Its great work that I think is important. I like writing and have always dreamed of speaking publicly. I am doing something that is meaningful and rewarding to me instead of living as I perceive I ought to. I am breaking the mold.

Tweet

I've begun tweeting to improve the experience I provide to all of you, my readers. You will now be able to comment on anything from my blog on my twitter page. I am hoping that there will be discussions and that Breathe will be interactive. I will be tweeting mostly things that are relevant to articles. I look forward to seeing what all of you have to say about my posts. And will share with you my thoughts on any conversation that may come up. You may find my twitter page by searching matti_salminen, note the underline in between my first and last name. Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Good In My Life

I was feeling very good about life in general today. I have realized recently that I'm doing exactly what I would like to be doing in writing. I know that for this I am very fortunate. I was also happy today to see someone I know send me a friend request on facebook. I know this is a small thing but it brought me happiness. Possibly because of my already especially good mood.
Its not everyday I feel this good about things. On certain days I can feel down right awful. In fact just last weekend I was pretty miserable. Not really much has changed in that time, except my perspective. I was reminded by a friend a few days ago of how much I like writing.
Today I am so happy that I will make a point to remind myself of this tomorrow and the next day. I just might start a new trend in my life. I am going to take to heart that if not everyday some days will be good, just like this one. I will know just a little better the next time I'm down that there are good things in my life. And that there is more good is in store for me.

Resolve Our Pain

A mental illness will harm you on an emotional level. It is not just by virtue that I have a disability that my life is affected by schizophrenia. Recovery is the act of saying to yourself "I will no longer allow my illness to dictate my life, I will move on." It may take years of saying this to ourselves before it becomes reality. We must heal to resume a normal and productive life.
The time we spent in recovery is not wasted. Our recovery can serve us to see the world in a new light. It can be empowering. The trying experience of having a mental illness can teach us many valuable lessons. Although we might not wish a thing like a mental illness on anyone else. It is part of our experience and is thus worthwhile.
All the individual pieces of a person's experience are necessary. We are all unique and wonderful in our own way. All of what we have done, seen and experienced is part of us. Those of us whose lives have been affected by mental illness needed this experience to be whole. We need to see ourselves in a new light that has emerged from tragedy to fully heal the wounds or our illnesses. It is this way that we can resolve the matters that have affected our lives and move on.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Whole-Self Acceptance

We have to be able to accept our circumstances and shortcomings to see exactly what we have to offer the world. The type of serenity that comes from accepting what is and what has been is quite liberating. It frees us to see what is possible. As opposed to holding on to regret which spawns negativity and a general lack of ambition.
We can only experience wholeness with acceptance. We are without acceptance a work in progress. I can say that in my recovery that I have to realize that I am beautiful just the way I am. We are all unique and deserve our own acceptance of our entire being. We must have love for ourselves.
Once we are able to have love for ourselves we can much better enact our hearts in the world. We no longer hide behind a veil of ambiguity. The ambiguity I speak of is one in which we seek superficiality instead of openness and giving. We must lay down a foundation before we can construct a beautiful home for all to see.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Seed of Recovery

As a young adult I tried very hard at being a good worker. I took pride in putting effort into any task an employer might have asked of me. And I enjoyed the challenge of maintaining a fast pace doing physical labor. I was happy in this time to be working and was respected by my peers.
I can remember specifically being a mover. I was roughly 19 when I had this job. I moved office furniture and much of it was quite heavy. I was scrawny but I put all the effort I had into my work. It was a good job all in all. I liked my co-workers and it paid pretty well. We even got paid for drive time. Having this job taught me what hard work was. I feel like it still benefits me today.
The work I have had to put into my recovery has been tremendous. It is however much different than the physical labor I did in my adolescence. It is not really demanding of your muscles like moving office furniture. It instead is emotionally demanding. The effort I've put into my recovery has spanned years. I have had to endure many setbacks.
I have had times in my recovery that I have appeared to be unmotivated. I can remember when my parents garage was being torn down. Friends and neighbors came out to tackle this project but I needed prompting to get out there and help. I can also remember a time in which my dad asked me to help him paint a spot on the house. I took frequent cigarette breaks and he was visibly frustrated.
I still know that what I was doing in that stage of my recovery was important. I was mending emotional scars. These scars are just like any injury or wound suffered by our bodies. We need to slowly rehabilitate to function at a normal level. The emotional scars left by schizophrenia on my person have taken years to mend. I now can see that I wasn't lazy in those times that I appeared unmotivated, I was just hurt.
I am proud of the effort I have put into my recovery. I know I have done my very best that I could, just like I did moving office furniture. The challenges of life still lay ahead of me. I have planted the seed I need to have a beautiful and flourishing "plant" sprout up out of the the earth. This seed of recovery will lead me to making an effort towards a life filled with happiness and health.













Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Small Chunks

I'm a very strong willed person, maybe to a fault. I have at times in my life failed to see that I was in need. I can remember a time that I was living in California. My lease on an apartment ran up before I could find another place. The town I was in was a resort town. And so much of what was available was too expensive. This was despite that I was working two jobs.
So after I left my apartment I lived in a storage unit. This was during the winter and it was quite cold at night. I never even considered cutting my losses and heading home. I let my basic needs fall to the wayside not out of pride but short sightedness. I didn't see this as a hardship at the time. I only thought I would soon have another place and all would be well.
I am a different persona now. I have learned to express myself and to recognize when things are difficult for me. I now actively seek support from friends, family and mental health professionals on a daily basis. The difficulty that life presents its self to be is most manageable in small chunks. It took me a long time to learn that and was a hard lesson indeed.

Happy On My Bike

Over the years since I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia my view of recovery has changed. This is in part due to being more educated on what recovery is. It is also from growing older and having more experience to draw from. I am now in my early 30's. And I was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 27.
In the early years after my diagnosis I knew very little more about dealing with my illness other than to exercise. I envisioned recovery as resuming a normal life. This normal life in my eyes was to have a 9 to 5 and a more or less fruitful and productive life.
As I thought of exercise as being so crucial to recovery I began doing 100 mile bike rides. It took 3 months to get in shape to ride 100 miles in a day. I began riding 100 miles once a month as was recommended on the internet. I loved riding in that time in my life.
I look back on my recovery process now and see that enjoying biking was just as important as the exercise I got. Its good to exercise and have physical health. All the experts will tell you of the mind body connection. However, recovery is about piecing together a broken life. We need to have happiness. And I found a source of happiness in biking. It helped me through a hard time in my life.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

To Accept and Adapt

There are certain things in our lives that we can not change. We can however, learn to live with these things. Whether it be a mental illness or past mistakes, we can move beyond obstacles in our paths. We can choose to accept them and then adapt as well.
I have made many steps in my recovery. These steps in time can add up to being miracles. I can't get rid of my illness, but I can live with it. I can infact live just as well as anyone else. If you knew me years ago you would know how miraculous this is.
The challenge in life is often not to be able to change our circumstances. It can instead be to accept them and then choose to do our best in spite of these circumstances. So when you find yourself in a situation that can not be changed, be patient. As long as you don't give up you can achieve what it is that you need to. You may even come out of your struggles having gained more than you had lost.

New Day

I have recently been feeling unmotivated. I think because it is such a daunting task to have a place in this world. I have been discouraged. I feel as though I can only go so far in this world from effort alone. I am just smart enough and motivated enough to keep going but not to get any where.
This morning in writing I have realized that much of the work that I need to do is not in attempting to be smarter or stronger. It is not done inwardly at all. Life is hard in and of its self and to treat each day as if it were new is it own work. This work is appreciated by others. And if I can not have the place in this world I desire from sheer determination, I can still love myself and my life.
In treating each day as if it were new I can move forward just as well as if I worked towards being more educated. The world rewards those who choose to savor life. They are rewarded with a sense of purpose and belonging. We need sometimes to be reminded that our significance in our society is that we have a light inside us. This light is fueled by a life lived for each moment of each and every day.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Learning Together

This blog is now over 5 months old. It has evolved a great deal in that time. As this blog developed into what it is today I have grown.  This pursuit of publishing my stories and wisdom on the internet has shaped me into a new person. I have developed a fondness of writing and now realize I can make a difference.
I believe the concept of this blog is still changing. The focus of recovery will remain. However, the manner in which I get my ideas across is not yet fully evolved. I started the blog by writing exercise and nutrition articles. I tapped into what I knew on these subjects fairly quickly. The focus of the blog shifted away from exercise and nutrition to be focused on my personal story of recovery.
I have now written most of my recovery story within this blog. Similarly to when I felt I had tapped into my knowledge of exercise and nutrition the focus of this blog is presently shifting. I am not absolutely sure of where this project will take me.
I will test the waters of my writing process. I have ideas for sources of inspiration beyond the daily events that influence my views and feelings. I am looking forward to this phase in my writing. I believe as when I shifted away from exercise and nutrition that in proceeding into new territory I will grow. All of you my readers and I will learn together from this process.

Trip To NYC

In 2003 or 2004 I took a trip to New York City. The purpose of this trip was to sell poetry I had written. I was very delusional at the time. I believed that I had been a famous artist in my early adulthood. I thought I had been a singer, rapper, painter, actor and film director. I thought to sell my poetry to one of my fans instead of getting it published.
I went to New York with my notebook in hand. I thought for sure that I would be noticed once I was in the city. I thought for sure that one of my fans would come to see me and then I would sell my book of poetry. And so when I was in the city I went to Time Square and waited. I stood there all day and nobody came.
This is just one of many stories in which a little doubt in regards to my delusions was cast. It was hard for me to accept that many beliefs I held were false. And so it took a while for it to sink in.
I no longer am delusional. I have won that battle. I am symptom free and ready to move on to the challenges life presents beyond that of my affliction, schizophrenia. There are days that I feel I am doing very well and there are days I feel like I could be doing better. Just like anyone else I have much room for improvement. I am proud of my recovery and the person I've become.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Helping Ourselves

There are many times in a life in which a decision must be made. Are we to go left or right, slow down or speed up. In times like these we must draw upon our wisdom; but more than that we have to demonstrate good character.
We have to use tremendous will power to persevere in life. If we have good fortune we will reap the benefits or fruits or our labor. However, in many instances we can become lost. It can seem as though no matter which way we turn it leads to a dead end. We can then only determine what we ourselves need to carry on.
We need to at times make sure that we ourselves come first. If times are trying we need to know ourselves well enough to slow down. And in times that we are unsure of how to proceed we need to heed the conviction in our hearts. Our character may determine how we implement ourselves in our own lives. It can help us to help ourselves as well as others.

Carrying On

One of the hardest parts of having a mental illness is that it is unseen. I believe my disability is perceived differently than a physical ailment by many. In cases that a person who is physically debilitated is seen as courageous I might be called lazy.
The fact that a mental illness is not visible is a source of stigma. People have preconceived notions of what mental illness is. And as they can not actually see for themselves the debilitating effects of the illness they simply do not understand. We ourselves as mental health consumers have our illnesses thrust upon us often without being educated on what we are dealing with. Just like anyone else we have preconceived notions of what the effects of our illnesses might be.
I had feelings of guilt around symptomatic behavior for a long time. I did not understand that I was severely debilitated by my illness. And even now I think I take for granted that I am courageously moving forward in my recovery. The expectations that are put on the mentally ill are emotionally taxing and unfair.
I want all my readers to know that a mental illness can be just as debilitating as any physical ailment. It should be treated as such. If you are a mental health consumer you must not feel guilty for your circumstances. You are persistent to take on the challenge of a mental illness. You have not given up. You instead choose to carry on in the face of adversity and should be applauded.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Nurture Your Soul

We all have the ability to move forward in our lives. We can put hard times behind us, grow and learn. It may seem as though the obstacles in our paths are too much to handle. If we allow ourselves time enough our challenges will be diminished. They will appear to not be so overwhelming.
It is often just as difficult to believe we can triumph over our challenges as it is to make actually happen. We must in these times of self doubt remember to take it day by day. The personal strength you have inside you will never run out as long as you take time to nurture your soul.

Nature Of Life

I am reminded today to accept myself just as I am. I know that I am working towards the life I want. And I deserve to feel good about that. I can afford to relax sometimes or enjoy a sunny day. I can let go of the expectations I have for how I live my life and the person I will be.
It seems with all the effort I make it is often to just set the bar even higher. I will reach a goal and before long try to move on to the next task. It is good that I am motivated to move forward. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of things I accomplish. I could however, choose to allow myself the freedom to be myself. And see that this its self is an accomplishment.
I now live in my own apartment in a town I like. This is a long awaited victory on my road to recovery. I can choose to remember how hard I've already worked to be where I am. I can accept that my life will not unfold exactly how I intend it to. There are many things I aspire towards that will not come easily or in the time I would like. That is the nature of life.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Not My Illness

I have schizophrenia but I am not my illness. And just the same there is more to my recovery than taking pills. I have been hurt deeply by my mental illness and I needed love and compassion to help me heal. I needed time to realize what I needed to do to recover. And to see there was a way for me to get better. I needed to know that I was not to blame for my own suffering.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007. I did not really understand what schizophrenia was until the early part of 2012. My doctors and other mental health professionals didn't seem to be interested in doing much more than medicating me. I was left to try to be a healthy individual without any knowledge of my affliction. The worst instance of this was at my diagnosis. I was told I had schizophrenia and simply sent on my way.
In the end it wasn't doctors or medication that healed my wounds. It was my own perseverance and compassion of my family. I myself found a way to deal with my illness and also live with purpose. My family helped me through the times that I had no hope for myself. This is unfortunately the nature of recovery. It is a journey of personal exploration.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Helping Hands

It's good sometimes to take a step back from our own purpose to help others. It's easy to be consumed by the responsibilities we have to ourselves; and yet there is little greater thing we can do for our own cause than to serve someone else's.
We are capable of making a difference. It may seem sometimes that we can only accomplish so much; and yet what may seem a small or insignificant gesture of goodwill can have a tremendous impact on another person. It is often not the act its self that is significant but the demonstration of compassion. When you show someone else you care you bring them happiness. This is a wonderful gift to bear.
I have in a frame a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says something along the lines that you can not help someone else without helping yourself. I think this is so. And I believe that when we help another person we remind ourselves of something deep down inside that unites everyone. When we can see clearly that we are not alone we can know we have a purpose.

Public Assistance

I live off of public assistance. I collect food stamps and social security. I also have medicaid and medicare for health insurance. And I'm on a waiting list for subsidized housing. I have to be careful about having an income because I do stand to lose some of my benefits if I make money.
If I had a part time job making minimum wage I would actually be worse off than if I did nothing. This puts me in a tricky situation. As I am trying to begin a new career as a peer specialist; I am currently looking to speak at events as well as facilitate groups and write. I may have to do all of this for free at least until I get full time work with benefits.
I know there are worse situations I could be in. I am however, a little deterred from pursuits I would otherwise tackle. I could be making some money from this blog for instance and I choose to not. The problem isn't so much about money. I could live off of what I have currently for the rest of my life and be happy. It is about being free and uninhibited.

Have Love

To have love in your heart is its own success
Allow your life to be an expression of your love
Cultivate your relationships and be yourself

Be in love with yourself and be free
Free of expectations or materialism
These things can never take the place of compassion and purpose

Our hearts are an expression of all that is good in us
Be trustful of your heart
Embrace life
It will return the gesture

Allow inspiration to fill you life
Extend the soulful expression of who you are throughout creation with acts of kindness

Know that you are blessed just to be as you are
Be true to your heart
And no matter what !!believe!!
Without belief we can not create our own destiny as we see fit

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Complications

How do things get to be so complicated. I started this blog to share with others, my experiences. I continue to write because I have found I like writing. As well as because of all the great feedback I've received from my readers.
I have recently been trying to promote the blog as well as myself for financial gain. I would have promoted myself with either a book or youtube channel. It is fun and exciting to see my work is reaching people. And I am justified in wanting a financial return on the work I do. I do not however, want to lose sight of what is really important.
I have to feel good about what I am doing. If I write because I like writing this this is good. I may not make a living as a writer but few do. I am making a difference and I can be proud of that. The whole idea of turning my writing into something profitable is stifling.

Dig Deep

At one point I had the idea to print some small books. I wanted to be able to sell the books for a dollar a piece. The idea was to have a self sustaining means to promote my blog. I thought this would be feasible because I have a friend who is a publisher.
My publisher friend told me he could publish my book for the cost of paper and ink. It turns out that I did not clearly understand that he thought or would recommend that I have a local print shop do the actual printing. I believed he would do the printing himself.
The print shop I would have used charges 10 cents a page. I have seen poetry books written by a friend of mine for $7.50. They were about 29 pages long. I am not however, going to charge that much money for something that is already available for free on the internet.
I was pretty apprehensive about this publishing project last night. I felt uneasy but had not yet clearly identified what was making me feel that way. I spent a lot of time thinking on the matter. I was in fact thinking on it more then I feel was necessary. This was the most anxious I had felt since I first considered leaving my former group home (Meadowview.)
In the instance of leaving Meadowview my feelings and anxiety were self created. I was able to work through those feelings I had. I sought out support from others. I made the move into my current living situation and am happy I have. In this instance of publishing I again sought support and found that my feelings were justified.
It can be hard to say if our anxiety has a sound basis or not. We can only carefully weigh out what is causing us stress. In an instance in which you are stressed allow yourself the time needed to make the right decision; and talk to people about your feelings. Hearing our own word can helps us to dig down and find the root of our problem.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Just Believe

This morning I woke up very excited about a particular project I'm working on. This project is a writing support group. I am currently working on a proposal that will be seen by a select board. In addition to the writing support group I'm working on promoting my upcoming book. I am looking to do book readings for mental health professionals and consumers.
My work as a peer in the recovery community is beginning to expand. The root of my work is in writing. This root has now sprouted. Offshoots of my advocacy work have emerged and I believe this work will eventually be in full bloom.
The hope I have for my future is growing stronger by the day. I think I am capable of living an inspired and productive life. I have always dreamed of being a public speaker and now this is close at hand. We all have a purpose in this world and if we don't give up this purpose will be fulfilled. Just believe.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Television

I currently do not own a television. I am finding that I am using my time better without a t.v. than I would with one. This is not my first time living without a television. I was without one at times in my early twenties as well. In those times I can remember reading a lot. I feel as though they were times that I have mostly fond memories of.
I think the good of not having a t.v. outweighs the bad. I know others who don't own televisions and I think they are smarter for it. I am now thinking that in the future I may remain without television. Whereas right now I don't have one for financial reasons.
There are many great ways to spend your time not watching t.v. in addition to reading. I have been regularly going on hikes with one of my friends. I of course spend time writing and I exercise too. I'm happy with how my days are being spent. I feel thankful that I am not dependent on the television to pass the time.

Poetry Slam

I had the humbling experience of entering a poetry slam last night. A poetry slam is a contest in which each writer has 3 minutes per round to recite a poem. We had 3 rounds and 6 poets in the slam. The first 2 rounds were preliminary. The final round featured the top three poets from the first 2 rounds.
There was a panel of 3 judges. They rated the poetry on a scale of 1 to 10. My scores were considerably lower than what I was hoping for. I felt a little dejected in receiving scores as low as 5. I have received a lot of positive feedback on my writing. This was one of the few times I've seen real criticism of my work.
I have come a long way as a writer since I started journaling this past year. Last night was a reminder that I still can progress much further. I'm happy to be able to view my writing in this light. I have not allowed myself to be discouraged by my experience last night. It is instead inspiring me to not get to comfortable in being the writer I already am.
On a side note the winner of last nights poetry slam was to say the least, deserving. He came across as being very real. I was amazed not really by his use of language as much as how he portrayed himself. I felt in one way that I could relate to him and in another I felt admiration. I got a chance to talk to him after the slam. I told him how much I loved his poetry. He returned the compliment. All in all I had a great night out.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Unsung Heroes

I think the role family members play in a person's recovery often can go unsung. They are crucial to recovery. I can say this from experience as I have had far greater support from my parents than I would have ever anticipated. They have stuck by me through hard times and are heroes in the truest sense of the word.
I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I speak to them daily and see them monthly. I feel privileged to be so supported and loved. I know my parents feel that they are blessed to have me as their son.
I was adopted as an infant. I have never known my biological family and do not intend to ever get in touch. The family I have is wonderful. I could not have hoped for better. Everyday I realize more and more how important my relationships with my family are.

Self-Publishing

A short time ago I mentioned in an article that I'm looking to make a book. I was intending to publish all my articles I have written. I wanted to take another 6 months to get more ideas on paper. My goal was to have written a book that was approximately 200 pages long. This idea has evolved into publishing a 50 page book. It will be  completed in less than a month.
My idea in publishing selected works from my blog as opposed to the whole thing is use the book for pr. I think using my best articles for a book will reel readers into the blog. The great thing about using print for promotional purposes is that it will earn a profit on its own.
Self publishing does require some money. I am going to spend well over $100 on the first batch of books. I have $20 going to a friend to have him design the cover. I will also have to pay to have the print formatted. This is still a fair price and I'm confident I will not lose out on this project.
If I want to make money this way I will have to promote the book. I intend to do a book reading shortly after it is released. I'm going to hold on to the book for a couple weeks after it has been published to promote the reading. This will give me enough time to promote the reading. All in all I am very excited about this new venture.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Letter to Earth

Dear Earth,

Thank you for providing me what you have. A loving family, friends, food and shelter. This is a partial list of course. There are many treasures you have lovingly bestowed upon me.

You encompass all of life; and yet very seldom receive the credit you deserve. Instead you are often mistreated or raped. And you still bless all you give life.

I have learned many valuable lessons from you. You've taught me the value of love and patience. It is from your yielding nature that you are an example of these two qualities. I see you being abused and continuing to spread joy with your beauty. I know one day your good will prevail over evil.

Your mountains, plains and oceans are my home. Your expanse is my playground. I find in you inspiration. I try to be a friend to you. I want to show you my appreciation.

I am just one of an endless array of creatures and plants that you give life. I still feel as if you know me. You know when to let me fall. And when to lift me up. You challenge me and you spread your love through my heart.

You give all of creation equal parts of your attention. The large and small, predators and prey. Your loving embrace even spreads through disease and malice. You are graceful beyond measure. It is a joy to be in your presence.

It seems as if you know no other way than to spread love. Your embrace and compassion are without equal. What you provide is virtually endless. It is with your resources that mankind may flourish.

I wish to share with you the love that is in my heart. You deserve it more than I. It is you who taught me of love. For this you hold a special place in my heart. This gift is greater than any you may receive in return.

I can see clearly how I'm a reflection of how beautiful you are. My heart and soul are brush strokes on a canvas. Without you they have no place. They could not share as they are meant to. You lie as a back drop seemingly happy to be known through others.

You are my friend. I will spread the love you have shown me. I know it is through me you are given life. I am a vessel to your ocean. It is through your embrace that my life gains meaning. You nourish my soul and replenish my spirit. I am glad to know you exactly as you are.

Adding Value To My Life

I like philosophy. Life its self intrigues me. I hope to cultivate wisdom and understanding in myself over the years that lay ahead. This is in part my motivation to write. I am a little biased towards wisdom and understanding over knowledge and intelligence. I see the value of wisdom and understanding in how it permeates our souls. I feel that we can develop compassion for others if we choose to understand ourselves.
If you have read much of my work the previous paragraph was likely no surprise. I believe I have a good grasp of things and that it should be expressed. I like doing this through essays and poems. I am looking to expand from this into speaking and mentoring.
I have come far in deepening my understanding of life and other philosophical topics. I am also just beginning. I believe I will find understanding through poetry. I both write and read poetry. This is in its self quite rewarding. I think I will gain insight to the heart and soul of men and women in poetry.
I also believe in developing meaning in my own life. I think I can teach better how to provide meaning in life better the more experienced I am. I am doing things that are rewarding. And attempting to be happy with what I have. I want to share what I learn and feel that it is sharing its self that adds value to our lives.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Faith & Courage

I am faced with some challenges in my life presently. I am without a car. And this makes it difficult for me to get the work I want. I would like to work as a peer specialist but their is little opportunity for that where I live. I am not sure how this will work it's self out. I am confident that whatever manner in which my life unfolds that I can get through it. I will lead a life of purpose.
It took time for me to develop this faith I have in myself. I believed for a long time that I would remain lost. I did not see that there was a means for me to live according to my own aspirations and desires. This faith I now have helps keep me on course. I know that I might not get the job I want when I want to. I might have to compromise this part of my plan. However, if I'm persistent I will make this happen eventually.
My life will continue to challenge me as all our lives do. I have had to deal with severe mental illness and I have recovered. This awakens me to my own personal spirit. It is a spirit that can continue on in hard times. I know I can be successful. One day I will look back on this time in my life and be proud of how courageous I was.

First Snow

I woke up this morning to a lovely surprise. The first snow fell last night. And it is continuing to fall as I write this article. There wasn't much in the way of accumulation (less than 1/2 an inch.) However the white on the ground is as pretty as can be.
The first snow brings back good memories. I can remember skiing with good friends and in beautiful locations. The first snow fall in the years that I skied always marked excitement and joy. I loved the winter and being outside in the mountains; the friends I had amongst skiers and snow boarders were equally valuable.
I want to one day return to skiing. I believe it will be a proud moment for me to afford my next seasons pass. I currently am not skiing as it is not affordable. I will one day change my financial standing. It will have come after a long and difficult period of my life. This period in my life coincided with my leaving skiing. I will feel in returning to skiing that I have fully recovered.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Recovery Is Possible

In my hardest times I believed I could or likely would be tortured. The delusions of schizophrenia even led me to believe that I could not even escape this through suicide. This was because I thought certain people had the power to bring others back to life. I believed if  I committed suicide I would be brought back to life only to be tortured.
I believed people had other powers as well. I thought I myself could travel through time and fly. I used my ability to go back in time to teach Adolf Hitler, Napolean Bonaparte and Miyamoto Musashi how to be great warriors. My power of flight was not so reliable. My times that I did fly were infrequent; and I could not predict when or where this ability would be available.
I look back now at how far gone my mind was and wonder how I've come so far. My recovery is in my mind truly astonishing. I now have a grip on reality a mighty step in its own right. I am also now a published writer. This is without the benefit of a college degree. I say this because I want others to know that they do have something to hope for. I want my writing to be evidence that recovery is possible.

Taking A Day Off

I took the day off from writing yesterday. I can be hard on myself at times. Yesterday I made a point in reminding myself that my work on the blog is good and that it helps people. I feel renewed today. The time off was well spent.
Today I am reminded that writing isn't a competition. I believe the challenge in writing is to feel free to express yourself as you are. It is this way that you will write well. I tend to be just a bit focused on relevant matters in my writing. Writing at its best is mutually beneficial to the reader and writer.
I have in writing this blog healed myself. I was until I began publishing this blog a very private person. I would be described as reserved. I rarely expressed to anyone how I felt or personal issues. I suffered from bottling up all my heat ache and it manifested its self negatively.
I've shared many stories on this blog that previously I had kept secret. I have a deeper more open relationship with my family as they read all of my articles. They know better what my experiences have been, with mental illness and otherwise. It was very important that I get out all that I have.
I want to comment in closing on a recent article I wrote. I mentioned in this article that I wanted to not get complacent. I was referring to writing for this blog as not quite demanding as much from me as I wanted. I still have mixed feelings about this. I do feel good about what I am doing as I said at the beginning of this article. I also feel I could take on more.
I will try to have all my work from this blog published into a book in 6 months. I have a friend in publishing and I'm 99% sure I will get this done. After that 6 months I am going to try to get a job. I will ideally work as a peer specialist. I believe that having a book published will add tremendously to my credibility. Thereby improving my chances of finding my desired work.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Chip On My Shoulder

I was at one time admitted to a hospital in Rutland, VT. In the admission I told a worker that I had been a Marine Corps general since the age of 14. This was the first time I had told anyone this. In my stay the doctors did not really ask me much of my experience as a general. At one point I mentioned to my case manager that I had had a stressful life. She responded as if I never mentioned that I had been a general; and expressed she did not understand what my sources of stress may be. I felt estranged from my treatment.
I was discharged without the doctors having any idea of my circumstances or why I even admitted myself in the first place. I first went to the hospital in a time that I was otherwise considering getting put in jail. In the discharge meeting my case manager said that she and the doctor understood that I thought I needed to be punished for being a war criminal. They believed that the reason I wanted to be in jail was because I believed I should be punished. It was instead because I didn't feel safe.
I think one of the most difficult things in having a mental illness is dealing with inadequate treatment. It seems as though health care professionals have not a clue about how a person is to recover from a mental illness. This is in part due to sciences lack of understanding of the mind and psychology. It is also in part that often these health care professionals do not know the individual patients from a whole in the wall.
It's o.k. to have some bitterness about the treatment you've received. It is better to be angry than indifferent. It means you have processed much of your journey in recovery. I think a person who feels angry will also identify with their diagnosis. Leaving behind denial brings with it mixed emotions. As you begin to feel as though you understand what you are going through you'll perceive your past experiences in recovery more clearly. You'll know how things could have been dealt with better.
I feel motivated by my anger. I would not write this blog if I thought all the treatment I received was beneficial to me. I feel proud that in spite of all the short comings of the health care provided to me that I have prevailed. I feel lucky that I eventually did get the attention I needed. Go out there into the world with a chip on you shoulder. Let it be your inspiration.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Making Friends

I have had an all around good day today. I've been active. My activities of the day include writing an article I'm proud of earlier this morning and going to a support group. I've not lost a game of chess yet today. I believe most importantly I have made a new friend.
I always like meeting new people, especially when they're interesting. I have made a few friendships with people since moving into my new apartment. Today I met a girl, she and I played a game of chess together. She seems smart and is new to town.
I was able to talk with her while we waited for a chess set to be available for use. I told her of the local chess club. She told me that she is an art curator. I was glad to be able to help her with getting to know the Brattleboro community. I believe that we could be good friends.

March On

It's easy sometimes to just continue doing as we already are. We become comfortable with our lives as we know them and fail to see we must continue to move forward. Complacence is the enemy of passion. We have to continually put one foot in front of the other. This may sometimes be in spite of the fact that we like our current mode of living.
I recently left my former group home. That brought with it new possibilities and experiences. I gained new perspective in taking on this challenge. I now feel I'm well adjusted to my living circumstances. It is time for me to look for new opportunities. I must march on.
I would like to work as a peer specialist. I have already volunteered as a peer specialist facilitating fitness groups. I have also applied to receive funding for a writing group. This would as well be volunteer work. I would like to one day work full time as a peer specialist on a paid basis.
The idea of having a full time position is bitter sweet. It would be great to have a good job. I will however, miss being able to remain focused on writing. Publishing this blog has been a wonderful experience that I will always treasure. I think that I would one day return to writing and have even greater stories and lessons to share from having taken on the new challenges I face today.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Distant Rose

distant rose
so pure, so lovely
you hold such great majesty
as you alone
have me travel so far
i want to witness your beauty

distant rose
one day we will meet
i will kneel before you
and waft your fragrance in my face
it is not without you
that my purpose and life are one

distant rose
i pulse and breathe
that one day you'll be close at hand
i know not what i seek but you
you guide me

distant rose
to breathe you in
is all i care to do
to know your beauty
i will not be discouraged
that we will one day meet

distant rose
you make me whole
it is your beauty and fragrance
i can't be without
even from afar
you call to me
as if i were meant to know you

distant rose
you are my heart and my soul
i march on
to know you in all your glory
and so you can live on through me

Chosen to Believe

Belief is a powerful component of the recovery process. We must choose to believe that our lives can be fruitful and rewarding. I say we must choose to believe because it is often a difficult choice to make. It takes patience and determination to have belief when times are hard.
I have had many instances in my recovery in which it would have been easy to give up. It seemed as though I could do nothing right. There was at best only the slightest belief that one day all would be better. I chose to hold on to what belief I had. I needed help holding on to it at times. I may have needed to be hospitalized to be safe or just receive words of encouragement.
I have now made my life better. I believe that there is still much for me to do. I now know I have what it takes to accomplish great things. I have taken a terrible affliction (schizophrenia) and turned it into a positive. My recovery has taught me that I am resilient and courageous. These qualities will serve me in the future just as they have in the past. I have chosen to believe.

Tomorrow's Shade

tomorrow's shade
cast today
yet tomorrow and tomorrow
will always be tomorrow
in a shady way
it is today
and today will never be tomorrow
and we'll waste away
savoring the day
for all that there is tomorrow
can wait and wait
until tomorrow

Just Below The Surface

When I was a child I took a trip to a remote part of Vermont. We had friends there who had a cabin by a pond. I believe the pond's name was Newark Pond however, I'm unsure. It was a beautiful location. There were loons and a small island. I was a child in paradise.
I took on the trip a snorkel, mask and fins. In the late afternoon I went out snorkeling from the friend's neighbor's dock. I swam out into the pond about 35 yards. The water out that far was at least 25' deep, as I recall. In the depths of the water I made a discovery.
There was a massive boulder of which it rose to a fraction of an inch from the water's surface. I was able to stand on it and appear as though I was standing on the water's surface. I was proud for having made this discovery. I felt as if I had just set foot on a distant planet or discovered an ancient civilization.
What lays hidden to the eye is sometimes quite remarkable. We can often miss out on seeing the beauty and positivity in our world. I recommend keeping an eye out for good you may encounter. You may even want to make notes of the positivity you see in the world (I am going to try this myself.) In time and with practice you will develop a more positive outlook. This positive outlook will manifest its self in a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Radio

This is a follow up article to one I wrote on music. In the preceding article I wrote that I wanted to expand from my current taste in music. I was at the time considering developing an interest in a different genre of music. I considered the blues and classical music. I've done neither of these.
What I have done is begin listening to a local "public access" radio station. I now listen to this radio station exclusively. They play a much wider variety of music than on my previously preferred stations. I can listen to country, jazz, hip hop or classical and the list goes on. There are no commercials either. It is great to live in a community that has this available.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

New Year's Resolution

Now that I have thanksgiving behind me I'm ready to usher in the new year. I had a wonderful 2012. This past year I made a lot of progress in my recovery. I was able to let go of delusions I previously held and with it paranoia. I also quit smoking cigarettes. And am now able to afford to live on my own. Let's not forget that I got my start in writing in 2012.
I want to build off of my successes from 2012 in 2013. I am very focused on writing currently and it would be great to develop in that pursuit in the next year. It is with this in mind that I have decided on my new year's resolution. In 2013 I will try to read poetry everyday all year long. In addition to being good for me as a writer. I think doing this will help me develop a wise mind.
Poetry cuts deep into human consciousness. I think reading and writing poetry will aid me in understanding life and all that makes it so wonderful. I think I do now perceive the beauty that gives life all its wonder. I want to continue searching my soul. I know that I will learn to perceive the world and all life that inhabits it with even greater appreciation.

Chess and Writing

I play chess. I studied the game of chess while living in a group home. I'm quite good now and I have a number of chess buddies. Writing or blogging is a newer hobby of mine than chess. It is great for your mind, similarly to chess. It takes time to learn to do it well just like chess. I find it to be rewarding and fun.
In addition to publishing this blog, I write poetry. I began writing poetry to take part in an open mic event. I thought that doing this event would be a great way to meet new people. I am beginning to make "writer friends" the same as I have chess friends. I took over a year to learn to play chess. I would like to give similar attention to writing.
I have never been to college. I have attempted to be self educated. I find that studying things you can practice like chess and writing to be a crucial part of independent learning. I think that there is a lot to be learned from living. I see practices like chess and writing to improve your learning curve. You can learn to gather understanding and knowledge from your life experiences through these two practices.



Friday, November 23, 2012

Learning In Life

In my early childhood I would sometimes be described as overactive. I often gave my teachers trouble with my exuberance. I was always happy to be outdoors. I didn't do so well in structured environments that demanded that I stay still for very long. It took time for me to grow out of this phase in my life. I did eventually learn to manage and use my enthusiasm well.
I have used my energy in a number of pursuits. They include skiing, biking and chess. I taught skiing in my late teens and early 20's. I was gung-ho on having a good career as a skier. I worked very hard at it and my work was paying off. I was respected by my peers and received high marks from the customers. Chess and biking came later in life. I started really being interested in these two pursuits at a former group home (47 Main St.) I am now a good chess player and have done a number of 100 mile single day bike rides.
I am now a little older and a little wiser. I do not think that I wasted energy on my former pursuits. I still love chess and am very glad I have done 100 mile bike rides. I feel like my 30's have given me some perspective I didn't have before. I have experienced the setbacks and failures of mismanaging a mental illness. This turned me on to a whole new avenue for me to pour myself into.
I am now invested in making a difference as a mentor and advocate for the mentally ill. I know how much better I could have been prepared to deal with schizophrenia. I want to help people take steps forward in their recovery. I know there is not a greater contribution to society that I can make. This pursuit is important and meaningful to me. I feel as though it is what I was meant to do.

Holiday Tradition

This morning I took part in an old family tradition. I went with my folks to get this year's christmas tree. We traveled out to the same tree farm we have been going to since I was about 5. It is not exactly close by. We don't go their for the convenience or for their prices. Honestly, I don't know why we started going there. The fact is that we have been going there now for almost 30 years.
I can remember many years ago before I had schizophrenia. I can remember going to this tree farm where they have lamas. The whole family went together. I can remember years where the snow was deep and the air was frosty. I remember going there with my sister. My favorite part of going to the tree farm as a child was drinking the hot apple cider. They still serve it free of charge and it is delicious.
I've grown up a lot in the years since we started going to that tree farm. In past years I have not always been able to make the trip. Last year at this time I was in a psych hospital. It is for this reason I am especially glad I could go this year. Getting the family christmas tree is a simple yet meaningful holiday tradition for many families. I can go there now and see how the years have taught me all that they have. I now appreciate the tradition and time spent with my family more than the apple cider.

Active Lifestyle

When I began this blog exercise and nutrition were my top priority in life. I was training almost everyday. I mostly worked out with kettlebells but ran as well. It was by the time I started this blog that I got down to 175 lbs. I had lost a total of 18 lbs since leaving the hospital. I was lean and strong.
My attention has shifted away form diet and exercise. I do however, walk a lot and maintain my body weight at 175 lbs. I now only work out with my kettlebells a few times a week. Usually for about 20 to 30 minutes each time. I am still happy that I have maintained my healthy weight. My physical health is important to me and I like staying active.
It is important to be active and we must be mindful of this. It is alright to have periods in which you are more or less active. Exercise does not always have to be top priority. It is important however, that we don't allow ourselves to become sedentary. An active lifestyle not only promotes good health; it provide a source of positive self-esteem and can be enjoyable.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

You Are Not Alone

That I'm home for Thanksgiving I'm able to reflect on my recovery process. I can go to different places that have had some significance to my journey. I am able to see these places with new eyes. They are the eyes that have weathered a storm. They are wise eyes. I can see myself being in these places as I was at those times. I have compassion for that young man. I can understand how he was feeling and see why he took each step he did.
In going to these places I can see myself as a younger man. I was out at a peninsula where I once cut my wrist to attempt suicide. I saw myself being in that place now 5 years ago and wish I could have a talk with him. I would tell him that it is o.k. to fail. That life is a process of absorbing bumps and bruises; and if we give ourselves time we do see better things come our way. I would tell my younger self you are not alone.
I can't go back in time to tell myself what I needed to learn. I am not sure I would have listened. We need to experience failure. I think some need to experience more failure than others. I don't honestly know why. I do know that I am now better for having experienced my failures and setbacks. I am proud to have overcome the adversity I have. And maybe we need to see ourselves in this light of having dealt with difficulty. It is seeing ourselves overcome the obstacles that laid ahead of us that allows us to see that we are not alone.

Giving Back

I took a train home for thanksgiving yesterday. It is the first time I've been to my parents house since June 27th of 2011. I was nervous about coming home. It is a reminder of how hard times in my life have been. It was on June 27th of 2011 that I was arrested to eventually be hospitalized for the last time. This trip has pushed me to look at what I am doing both as a writer and as a survivor of schizophrenia.
June 27th was the darkest hour in my life. I had been battling schizophrenia for a while by that time. I had had ups and downs. My symptoms lingered and festered for years. The paranoia would occasionally affect me enough to where I would admit myself in hospitals. These times were interspersed with times that I seemed to be doing well. The feelings that I wasn't safe slowly got stronger.
On June 27th I had a major breakdown. It would lead me to see that I had a problem. This step of acceptance marks a major turning point in my recovery. I stopped all that I was doing and focused on getting better. I am now living without symptoms and am have a good life.
I know first hand how desperate schizophrenia can make someone feel. I know how important it is that I share my story. I am doing what I can to help others with mental illnesses. The act of helping others helps heal the wounds left on my spirit by schizophrenia. It allows me to look back on June 27th of 2011 with the knowledge that what I have done since has been good. I need to use the experiences I've had and turn them into a positive.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

150 Posts and Counting

This is my 150th blog post. I am very happy with my work and I know I am helping people. I have in the process of writing all these articles considered discontinuing publishing. In each of these times I was prompted to continue. Whether it was from simply sitting down and pouring my heart out to write an especially good article; or if it was from receiving good feedback on what I was doing. I kept writing.
I have now far exceeded the expectations I had for myself when I began Breathe. It has been a journey of personal exploration. In this journey I have found purpose. I have discovered how I can contribute to society in a way that is fun and fulfilling. This blog is now important to me at least as much as it may be to any of my readers.
I am going to continue to write and I will try to write often. I may at times take days or even weeks between writing articles. I am almost skeptical in my ability to continue my current rate of publishing. I will however, continue to write. There are likely to be some guest posts on occasion. My goal for this blog is that it would be a resource that people find to be helpful and interesting.

Stand United

Last year at this time I was receiving treatment at a psych hospital. I was very delusional. The symptoms of schizophrenia were as bad as they had ever been. I was to be released from the hospital to a nearby group home (Meadowview). A court ordered that I reside at Meadowview, to be discharged from the hospital. It was at Meadowview that I first was able to interact with peer specialists.
I have made a remarkable turn around in this past year. I worked hard to make the progress that I have. However, I must mention the importance and significance of the peer specialists I was able to work with. At Meadowview there were two employees who had bouts with mental illnesses. They both encouraged me and counseled me in my recovery. My outlook on living with a mental illness is markedly different from having worked with them.
The role of peers is vital in facilitating a persons recovery. It is often times ignored by health care providers. I was diagnosed in 2007 and did not know such a thing as a peer specialist existed until December of 2011. In this time I had been in 4 different hospitals and 2 other group homes. I know I would not be doing what I am today if I had not interacted with any peers on a professional level.
Unfortunately not everyone can interact with peer specialists on a daily basis as I did. You must not allow this to deter you. Know that this aspect of your recovery is important and seek involvement with your peers. If it is by going to groups that is fine. If you just meet with a friend that is dealing with a mental illness do this very regularly. Try to even schedule your meetings for a specific time and day(s).
I am personally going to try to make my opinion on this issue known. I will write letters and see if I can get this story published outside this blog. I recommend speaking with mental health professionals on this issue. If we all stand united on this point we can make a difference.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Not In My Right Mind

My life has been profoundly effected by schizophrenia. I believe that I started experiencing symptoms in my late teens. This is common among males. I was able to function well through to my early 20's. I had some difficulties with keeping work. I was however successful in my skiing career. I am unclear now as to how much responsibility I should take for decisions I made as a young adult and how they adversely effect me now.
I feel like I sabotaged my life late in my adolescence. I had run ins with the law and showed no interest in school. I sometimes wonder as to how much of the difficulty I am currently experiencing is due to my illness. It instead could be at least partially due to the amount of irresponsibility I demonstrated when I was younger. 
The lines between my illness and my own mistakes are not clear to me. I believe that they are not entirely separate. The end result is still the same regardless of whether I am at fault for my failures and shortcomings. The illness had some effect on me as an adolescent. I am still responsible for myself, although, this responsibility seems to be buffered by the fact that I am ill.
I am in part disheartened by the fact that this buffer of responsibility exists. I would like to know that I always understood what I was doing. I did not however always know what I was doing and I haven't always been in my right mind. It is difficult to accept this. This "buffer" gives me an alien feeling of not being whole. I feel as if I am almost less of a person. I want instead to live with the regret of making the mistakes I have. Instead of just passing blame onto an illness.

World of Opportunity

Last night I recited poetry at an open mic event. This was the third time I recited my poetry to a crowed. I began doing this to meet new people and have discovered that it is quite fun. I like being a part of the local writer's scene that I get from doing open mic events. As opposed to just writing for my blog which is a little isolative.
The first 2 times that I recited my poetry I was extremely nervous. I almost backed out. Reading your creative writing to a crowed makes you feel very vulnerable and is not easy. This last time I felt confident. I was able to read my pieces clearly, enunciating each word. I've stepped outside my comfort zone and it has been a valuable experience.
We all can stand to gain from stepping outside our box. I have found a new source of confidence in reciting poetry. And I am making friends with people I would never have gotten to know otherwise. Live without fear of the unknown and you will see a world of opportunity.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sunshine Leads to Night

Tomorrow's sun born from night
night time stars twinkle against black
cold night, sunny day
forever gone
whatever begins surrenders to the past

our hearts yearn
today we burn for what is gone
and so the winds of change will not blow today

memories
faded experiences and years gone by
tomorrow ends
and today lasts just for a day

weak moments
shattered into the future
pieces laying around
assemble them, remember them
so those moments
were not experienced in vein
sunshine leads to night

Giving of Myself

I don't have much in the way of possessions or money. I am able to live well off of the little I have. I have enough to enjoy the company of friends at a coffee shop. I can also catch a movie from time to time. My total income is less than $1000/m. I am managing to see the positive that can come from this situation. It brings me hope that I am and will continue to have all that I could ever want.
I think I am fortunate to have what I do. I have all the necessities and can be true to my heart. This is its self a truly great treasure. I believe in my heart I am called to make use of my experience with schizophrenia to be a writer. My life has been tremendously impacted by this illness and I feel my work as a writer is thus important.
In writing of my experiences with schizophrenia I am giving of myself. This is important to me. I feel that I am much better off this way than if I were to fulfill a desire for material possessions. I am sharing something positive with the world. This makes me am happy and proud.

Distress Tolerance

Yesterday started off pretty slow for me. I was dragging a little. I tried doing things to pick myself up but with little success. There are times when we get stuck in a rut. We often can pick ourselves up out of it but sometimes we have to ride it out. I have learned that it is helpful to be able to accept the hard times and not always rush to fix it. This is called distress tolerance.
Eventually my day did turn around. It was not until the afternoon and I had been up since 4 am. I had to stay with this dragging feeling for a while. I tried going to cafes to write. I tried reading. I eventually just laid down in bed and waited for the mood to pass.
Later that day a friend called me up. We met for a community meal at 1:30 pm; and played chess for a while afterwards. I even got him to a local venue that shows art. I thought he could showcase some of his stuff there. We brought prints of his art to the venue (Equilibrium) and showed them to the owner. My day turned around.
Feelings are usually short lived. I was able to have a pretty good day, I just had to be patient. We can sometimes slip into longer more sustained patterns of sadness, anger and so on. And so it is important that we note what is going on inside us and seek support as is necessary.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Breaking Chains

It is often the case that the hardest part of doing something is taking that first step. This was true of my morning. It was about 8:30 a.m. and I had been up since 4:00. I had already written, had breakfast, showered and so on. I still had an hour and a half  before the library opened. I was looking around my room as if I had nothing to do. I picked up a book of short stories and read one of its passages. It was a great story.
As time goes by and we neglect something in our lives we develop what is called inertia. We become resistant to doing something after a period of putting it off. This often happens with exercise. Inertia begins small, just like it was for me this morning, when I felt I had nothing to do. It slowly builds up until the resistance we demonstrate towards a particular interest or activity becomes immense.
I have a lot of inertia around developing female companionship. I have no problem talking to girls but lack the confidence to take the next step. The inertia I've developed has built up over an entire decade. It was about 10 years ago now that my symptoms of schizophrenia influenced me to withdraw from social interaction. It is very difficult for me now to get past the self imposed walls I have put up around developing intimacy. I am slowly making progress and will not give up hope.
It is best to keep a watchful eye when it comes to inertia. If you notice time go by without exercise, make a point to get out there. Inertia is entirely in our own perception and this perception becomes more and more distorted as time passes. Once we have taken the first step it is as if we have nothing to lose. We break the chains that previously held us back.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Need Not Be Arrogant

I am a very determined person. This determination of mine has aided my recovery tremendously. It is only just behind humility in how it has helped deal with schizophrenia. It is humility that has put me in a place in which I can ask for and receive help.
It is unfortunate that determination often brings with it a bit of arrogance. If we feel we are capable on our own to take on whatever be in our path, we then will not likely ask for help. This is a mistake.
It takes a strong person to move forward in life and recovery. It takes an even stronger person to absorb a setback and ask for help the next time they're in trouble. This is why I say you need only to be as determined as you may before it brings with it arrogance.

Hearts May Wander

Life is not lived along a straight line. There are twists and turns, setbacks and failures. We venture off into adulthood not knowing of how our lives will unfold. Often hurdles lay in our paths that can not be easily navigated. In these times we are thrown off course, we take a detour. Though these detours slow us down, they allow us a different perspective on the landscape that is our lives.

A heart may wander but only when it is to free a mind.

It is these detours in life that engage the human spirit. We will often have to take on difficult situations that require we draw upon courage and support. These times however unpleasant at the time, teach us valuable lessons. We grow and learn to appreciate the good times.
Schizophrenia came to me as a monumental detour. It has shaped me over the past 10 years. And now shown me that I am to fulfill a much different role than I anticipated. I believe that often people will not overcome obstacles in their path until they see what they stand to gain in taking the necessary steps.
Naturally overcoming a hurdle like schizophrenia does not happen over night. I could not have turned around after being diagnosed and say I will learn from this experience and one day share what I have learned. I had to go through denial and bitterness.
However, once I was ready to proceed to come out of this difficult period in my life, it became a very simple task. I took what I needed from this experience and allowed myself to live accordingly. Hearts of people wander because those people are yet to be prepared to get what they want out of life. It is however, often the difficulties and hardships that lead us to discover what we really need.

Positive Past

It has been just over 2 weeks since I left my former group home (Meadowview.) I lived at Meadowview for just under a year. In that time I formed friendships and progressed in my recovery. Although I am glad to put Meadowview behind me, I honestly miss the place.
I miss tossing a football in the back yard. I haven't thrown a ball since I left. I developed some really good relationships at Meadowview. They will never be replaced. I came to Meadowview at the tail end of a dark period in my life. There I received the help I needed to both manage my symptoms and flourish as an adult. I'm grateful to have been a part of the Meadowview community.
Time passes and as it does we march on. There are times in our lives that we have to leave behind things that are important to us. These times are often bitter sweet. I will always look to my time at Meadowview as a positive experience.
I now will put in place new relationships that are meaningful. There are many positive experiences on the road ahead. I must pursued them, otherwise, the positive memories of my past will have been made in vein.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is now just a week away. In this time of the year families get together, eat good food and enjoy each others company. There will be turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce (my personal favorite.) This year Thanksgiving has special or particular meaning to me. I am very thankful for all that I have and have accomplished.
The last 2 years have been truly remarkable. They say the sun begins to rise just after the darkest hour of night. That has been exactly my experience. I was at my very worst in 2011. It was my "darkest hour."  2012 has been in stark contrast to 2011, one of my very best years.
In a way I needed to come up on hard times as I did in 2011. I had to do this to get the treatment I really needed. I also needed to see for myself that change in my life was necessary. I could not go any further in life without this realization. Schizophrenia impacted my life to this point and not a minute too soon.
I've changed my life this past year. I made this change because it was necessary. I am thankful that I had the opportunity and support I needed to make this change. I am a new person and feel blessed in this time of Thanksgiving.

Tree of Inspiration

I went on a hike with a friend of mine. We hiked to a beautiful mountain top that overlooked Brattleboro. It being mid November the air was cool. The sun peaked out through moderate cloud cover periodically throughout our hike. It was a truly lovely adventure.
The way up the mountain gave me time to reflect on how I'm living. I thought about my writing and hoped this hike would be a source of inspiration. Meanwhile I was enjoying the company and conversation of my friend. He and I play chess at a local coffee shop quite often.
It was just as I began thinking that the hike might not yield the inspiration I hoped it would. I saw a massive boulder partially imbedded in the earth. Growing from this boulder was a tree. It was my source of inspiration. It's presence on the rock was striking. It was healthy and it grew out of the most inhospitable circumstances. This tree reminded me of how persistent life can be.
A mental illness is no different from that rock. It is not often you see trees growing out of large rocks as I did today. It is also not often we hear about people who are living with a mental illness and are doing well. When people or trees triumph and live under difficult circumstances they have a quality about them that is unique and wonderful. They inspire.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why I Write

I live off of social security and food stamps. I have schizophrenia. I've been fired from more jobs than I can even count. I don't understand why I have had so much trouble keeping work. I am a motivated and strong person. I try hard at being a good worker.
I remember being 22 living in a small college town. I was a bus boy in a restaraunt. They fired me for putting too much chocolate syrup in the milkshakes and serving only large sodas. I gave up at being able to work right then and there.
It was at this point in my life that I began to be consumed by symptoms of my illness. I eventually went back to the workforce but only intermittently. My illness and my recovery took the place of having a job.
Now, 10 years after I was fired from the restaraunt, I am a writer. I still do not work. I am consumed, not by symptoms of schizophrenia, but by my desire to share. I want to share what my recovery experience has taught me. I want to share my story.
I need to write. I would otherwise feel as though I was a drain on society. I'm well aware of the fact that many people out there think people, like myself, are what is wrong with this country. They think those of us who can't work should not receive public assistance.
I want to be an asset to society, so I write. It's simply the best I can do. I believe my work is important. And I don't think I'm a drain on society. It took a long time for me to see it that way.

Magnificent Journey

An affliction like schizophrenia can nearly ruin a person. The operative word being nearly. It is possible to recover. This is something I know from experience. I believed that I had a rat in my brain for 10 years. I suffered from paranoia and was not able to be responsible for myself.
I am now a much different person than I was prior to being afflicted with schizophrenia. I am able to do anything another adult can do and more. This disease has taught me how valuable life is. And how valuable I am as an individual.
I learned this from picking myself up, dusting my self off and continuing on my journey. I had to do this many times. I learned the value of life from receiving love and support that went well beyond my own expectations as well. My journey to recovery has put me in a place that I hold dear.
I'm thankful for my recovery experience and all that it has taught me. I know what I have achieved is far greater than any setback I have ever experienced. I want to in publishing this blog offer hope to those dealing with a mental illness. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it illuminates a landscape that is truly magnificent.

Responsibility to Write

Those of you that read my blog daily have noticed that I haven't written in a few days. This is because I'm unsure of how to proceed. I have written over 130 articles for Breathe and believe each and every article serves a purpose. I do not want to continue writing unless it is with reason.
This morning I called my parents. My mother told me a story of how someone she knows has been impacted by my writing. This reader goes to a support group with my mom that is for families of people who experience mental illness. The reader described to the group, my blog, as a life line.
This story re-shapes my view of what I am accomplishing in publishing Breathe. I have had awful experiences with schizophrenia and I am now doing quite well. I believe that it is my responsibility to share from these experiences and not a privilege.
Still I have done much of what I can as a writer, temporarily. I will continue to write as I become aware of new material that I see valuable to the blog. The blog is also now going to be available via e-mail. This will make my writing more accessible to my devoted readers. I thank all of you for showing me that my message and my story are important.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Live With Purpose

I once enjoyed riding chairlifts more than anything else in the world. I can remember times that I cried tears of joy on a chairlift. I was riding to the top of a mountain during a sunrise or sunset. The beauty of the landscape struck me in a way that I was overwhelmed with joy.
I was at that time in my life content to be a skier. I spent most of my days on ski mountains. I wanted to live out my life very simply enjoying the mountain environment and sliding on snow. My purpose was just to enjoy life.
Times in my life became more complicated after the on-set of schizophrenia. My skiing career was derailed. I suffered from delusion and paranoia for a long time. This suffering shaped me into a new person. I came out of this dark phase of my life with a new purpose.
It took years of dealing with schizophrenia before this shift occured. I was for a while more or less in limbo. I was trying to resume a meaningful life after being diagnosed with a major mental illness. I didn't still live according to my heart, as I once had. I tried instead to measure up to what I perceived expectations of me were.
I had lost something inside me to my illness. The belief I once had in myself was gone. This belief that I had when I was young fueled a life of purpose. It was a meaningful life. It was my life. This phase in my recovery lingered until dealing with schizophrenia hit me harder than I ever expected it would.
It was from my darkest moment that in a way I was reborn. My life again has purpose. It is not the same purpose as it once was. I'm hardly the same person as I was then. My current purpose is to use my voice to mentor others in recovery. It is in this purpose I find joy.
It is not what we believe others expect of us that is important. We instead need to learn and understand ourselves, our hearts and our experiences. We need to have answered these questions to live an inspired life with purpose. The answers to these questions can only be found within ourselves.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Create A Better Tomorrow

In this article I would like to put forth the importance of taking part in your life. This may be the most crucial ingredient to recovery. If you choose to on a daily basis take part in your life it will come back to you. It is important that you know that if you do choose to take part in your life you are inherently a success.
Success can come in many forms. It is not only found only as prosperity, although, in the American consumer culture this is often seen this way. People who choose to live their lives in all different manners are successful. They choose make the most of what they are given.
It is important in taking part in your life that you believe. You must believe that you can make difference towards a brighter future. You must believe you can be happy. You must believe that today you can create a better tomorrow.

Pleased With My Writing

I write this blog primarily to mentor others who have mental illnesses. I believe that in sharing from my experiences, explaining things I've learned in my journey, I can help people in recovery. It is not very often that I get to learn of whether or not Breathe is really having an impact. I did hear such a story last night. I will not reveal the details of this story. I will say that it encourages me to continue writing.
I feel as though what I am doing matters. I might not be reaching and touching the lives of millions like some writers. I am on the other hand making a difference. The purpose of the blog is being fulfilled. It is more important to me that I touch the lives of those who read my writing than it is that I have a large audience.
I will not lose sight of this purpose in my writing. As it is the purpose my writing serves that gives it its worth. I am a good writer I am told. There are better than I. There are writers who know much better how to formulate good sentences. I do have something that is seen in my writing that you can not learn in books. I have experiences that others can identify with.
I have a major mental illness. Schizophrenia has impacted me more so than anything else in my whole history. There are many others like me. If my writing helps some of those out there like me, then it is good. This pleases me very much.