Pre-Diagnosis Experience

The following article is the first part of a three part essay. The three parts will be of 1 my pre-diagnosis period of dealing with schizophrenia, 2 post diagnosis to present period of dealing with schizophrenia and 3 now and into the future period of dealing with schizophrenia. This first installment is a depressing story. I was diagnosed just after having attempted suicide. As a result the suicide attempt is the last bit of this first article. The second and third essays should offer more hope for those dealing with similar issues as I have had.

It's hard to say exactly when I first started experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia. This is because there is an overlap between delusional thoughts I have had and the on-set of my illness. I believed for a long time that I had been a Marine Corps general from the age of 14. The symptoms of my illness likely had not set until a little later in life.

In my adolescence I was troubled. I showed very little interest in school Although my peers and teachers regarded me as intelligent, I got failing grades. I was not academically eligible to play lacrosse my freshman year. I got arrested for the first time when I was 17.

In the summer of 1997 I went on a crime spree. I shop lifted all the time and even did burgalaries of cottages. I think this may have been my first experiences with schizophrenia. I was in my mind trying to emulate Adolf and Napoleon by being a delinquent. I thought "going in the direction of being worse" by going on a crime spree was the best way to get an education that there was. I believed that it was how Adolf and Napoleon got educated. I thought I was on my way to being a powerful general like the two of them.

I continued to go downhill academically. I hit a low point after being suspended my junior year. I chose not to go back to school for a couple months after the suspension was lifted. When I went back I did not attend classes. Instead I met with a tutor in the library. I completed my junior year this way.

There was a new school program introduced my senior year in high school. It was put in place to help those at risk for dropping out. I was allowed to get my diploma in this program. It was called the OZ program. There were two ladies that helped me out when I was in the OZ program, Joann and Debbie. I enjoyed them very much and had a great experience my senior year. I was allowed to get school credit by doing a work study as a ski instructor.

As a child and young adult my passion in life was, without a doubt, skiing. I had my sights set on making a career out of skiing. I began teaching skiing on weekends when I was 17. I quickly moved up to working full time at the mountain the next year (doing the work study for school). I was dedicated to being a great ski instructor. I always got great feedback from my students, and my peers respected me.  I continued teaching skiing until the symptoms of schizophrenia became to consuming for me to keep teaching.

In 2002 I started being paranoid and as a result reclusive. I began reading a lot. I read mostly military history, military strategy and martial arts philosophy. In that time I am sure I was quite delusional. I believed that I was a great war hero. I was studying strategy and military to reinforce worldly learning I gained.

Oddly enough, I have fond memories of this time in my life. I was living on my own in Johnson, VT. I caught rainbow trout on a fly rod often times that summer. I got fired from the bus boy position I had at a restaurant in town. I stayed in Johnson after getting fired until I ran out of money at the end of the summer. I had my driver's license suspended and as a result I did not get another job. I enjoyed making good friends and having good times that summer.

That next winter I moved out to Aspen, CO. I found a really cheap apartment the night I arrived in Aspen. I continued to spend most of my time studying. I chose not to seek out employment teaching skiing because I thought people would harm me if I did get a job. Once again not working, I stayed in Aspen until I ran out of money. I did not make a single friend while I was in Aspen. I was totally consumed by my illness.

I went back to live with my parents after leaving Aspen. I lived there, consumed by my illness, until I finally acted on my feelings that people were going to harm me. I got myself put in jail by assaulting a police officer. I spent 4 months in a jail in St. Johnsbury, VT. I was released in the spring of 2007.

I was released to a program for men just being released from corrections. Its purpose was to help former inmates to transition into the community. I got kicked out before very long and went back to my parents place. My paranoia was as intense as ever and I felt I had to take action to keep my self from being harmed. I attempted suicide. I failed in my attempt and was brought to the hospital. I was finally diagnosed and treated for schizophrenia.