Right To Be Proud

As a young man I had intentions of having a career teaching skiing. This lasted until my symptoms of schizophrenia became too acute. It was not so much a question of whether I had the ability to teach. I was instead fearful that if I continued as a ski instructor that people would come to harm me. This level of symptomatic behavior occurred in the latter part of 2002.
I was in Aspen, Colorado when I began believing I might be harmed if I worked as a ski instructor. This is now just over 10 years ago. I had invested a lot of time and effort into my skiing career. It was in fact the one thing I took seriously when I was young. I was otherwise misguided.
I had graduated high school by the skin of my teeth. And had a number of run ins with the law. All in all I was floundering. I then had the added burden of a major mental illness. This further slowed my progress to being a responsible and independent adult.
I have tried many times to get myself back on my feet since that winter in Aspen. The job market in the United States in this time has not been good. And it has not helped that I have a criminal record. The work I have been able to get never paid well. I couldn't keep much of the work I got regardless of how mindless it was. This was seemingly going to be the story of my life.
I have fallen down many many times in my efforts to be a responsible adult. It has been a very frustrating experience to flounder as I have. I have felt so unproductive that I was truly ashamed.  This phase of being embarrassed of myself and circumstances went on for years.
I can remember many times that I was speaking with my parents and they told me how proud they were. I wondered what the hell is there to be proud of. I had no job and nothing seemed to be getting any better. I saw no light as the end of the tunnel.
It was not until fairly recently that I began seeing that there was something of myself that my parents could be proud of. I had finally struggled so much that it was quite courageous of me to not give up. I am no longer having such a hard time and seeing that I was not a failure was a big step to making my future as bright as it now seems to be.
I am actively working to advocate for others with mental illnesses. I feel good about what I am doing for the first time in many years. I get a lot of encouragement which makes me proud of myself. People now throw around words like courageous and brave when they describe me. It feels good to be appreciated. I see now that I have a right to be proud.