Lost In A Haze

I have in my life been seriously delusional. Delusion can be a tricky thing to decipher. The lines between what is and isn't real are not clear. Delusion can not only be intricate and extensive, tainting the memories you hold, it can also become interwoven in your true reality.

In 2002 I began studying strategy. This is because I had delusions at the time that I had been a great warrior. I believed, as many schizophrenics do, that I was a person of great importance. I thought that in my past I had fought in 15 wars and 67 battles. All but one of these wars were turf wars I fought with the occult. I believed that when I was between the ages of 19 and 21 that people tried to make Vermont a gang land. I by myself stopped them from doing so. I also believed I could maneuver into position to maintain Vermont's security in the future. I could do this by reinforcing my worldly learning from books.

This last statement I made is an important one. The fact that I started acting on false beliefs causes the lines between what is real and what is delusion to be confused. I am not sure to this day if I only acted on delusion by studying strategy, or if much of the action I took when I was younger was based on delusion.

I do not know where the lines between my true reality and my delusion are drawn. This is not only because I have acted on delusion. It is also because the delusional thoughts are not bound or restricted to beliefs that I was a warrior. They permeate throughout my entire existence. There are delusions I have of things I did as a skier. Some of my delusions are of the minutest details of my life. A delusion could be of something as insignificant as a person you met or a conversation you had. All of this makes me very distrustful of my memory and led to denial for a long time.