My Experience With Paranoia

I have suffered form severe paranoia in my life. I believed that I had a certain destiny. If I failed to fulfill my destiny, I believed I would be tortured. In my mind my destiny was to spend the rest of my life in jail. I had a delusion in which I believed I had fought in every war in history. I believed I had been reincarnating, serving in the military only to spend the rest of my life in jail every one of my life times.

I was unsure of how much time I had before I had to fulfill my destiny, before I would be tortured. There were times when I was not terribly concerned by my impending doom. They would always give way to that my paranoia was stronger and more pronounced. These times were often triggered by low self-esteem or added stress.

One occasion prior to being diagnosed I drove far away from home. I thought that there was a specific jail in which I would be the safest. I assaulted a police officer and appeared in court a day or two later. I could have received I believe probation for the charge but argued for myself to be incarcerated. The judge granted me what I asked for; I did 4 months for the assault.

I believed that there was a government conspiracy against me. I thought that once I got myself put in jail that I would never be released. I thought I would be safe. I of course did not spend the rest of my life in jail and there is no conspiracy against me.

Since that time I have unsuccessfully attempted to get put in jail 3 other times. In all 3 of these times I intended to assault a police officer. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead of going to jail I received treatment. In 2 of these instances I went to the hospital. The other 1 of the 3 I went to a former group home for about a month. All three times my paranoia temporarily subsided. I was very private about my paranoia and delusion and as a result I didn't get the help I needed. No one knew what needed to be done or what I was going through.

I finally snapped under the pressure. The paranoia was the worst it had ever been. I had a sense of urgency around making myself safe. I committed a major offense. I got myself arrested and this time faced 2 to 10 years in prison. I was eventually found not to be competent to stand trial. I was released to the Vermont State Hospital.

The event for which I was incarcerated was on June 27th of 2011. I have received great support in my recovery since then. I no longer believe I will ever be tortured. I don't believe that I have reincarnated to fulfill a certain destiny and don't think there is a government conspiracy against me either. My journey of recovery has been tremendously difficult. I strive to share my story with others in recovery and I hope that my story will be helpful to people that I share it with.